At the present time, I am finding myself overun by my fear of sin. I’m fixated on it and I am miserable. This can’t possibly be God’s intent. What am I to do? Everywhere I turn, it seems hopeless and full of dispair. Could it be that the only way to Heaven is via suffering greatly in this life and living in misery and fear?
Your poem reminds me of my daughter’s poems. She has a book published and almost all of it is poetry, except for a few songs.
She is bi-polar and almost all the poems are very dark. Also they are beautiful in there own way. She is very talented. She also OCD’s on things. It is a very difficult disease to deal with and I feel her life has been wasted in many ways. She can compose beautiful classical music, or could at one time. She is trying to deal with life the best she can.
Please don’t let past sins keep you in pain, I also have two sins that have been forgiven, but for some reason they keep coming up. I believe that Satan likes to toy with us and it is best to know that the Lord has forgiven you and let these things go.
And you’d be happy to know that you’re not alone. Saint Theresa of the Child Jesus had that problem. So did Martin Luther. (Of course, I hope you take her route instead of his.)
It’s possible to reflect on it too much, but saints have overcome it and so can you. It might be a good idea to read what saints write about their experiences, and hopefully it would help. I’m sure you’ve prayed about it; I suggest you especially ask for help from the Holy Spirit. There’s a marvelous Chaplet of the Holy Spirit here catholic-church.org/kuwait/holy_trinity.htm and Teresa of Avila would pray with the beautiful Veni Creator Spiritus hymn (you can find the lyrics, sheet music and a midi version here romaaeterna.jp/liber1/lu0885.html). I’ve been rediscovering lately that the Rosary has also gotten me through anxiety.
I’ve been having a big problem with someone close to me for a few months now and sometimes I can’t sleep because all I can do is think about it. Initially when I prayed for help about it, especially the Rosary, it didn’t help; now when I pray the Rosary about it, help comes instantly. So, hang in there. Saints are made in lifetimes, not minutes.
You might want to get yourself a spiritual director. Take time to choose one (it took me a year until I found one, though as of right now I don’t have one) and ask questions about whichever priest you find; one useful trick is to get close to his secretary then ask about him.
Are you getting professional help with your OCD and ADHD? Working through spiritual problems might be tainted if you have those illnesses in the way.
Getting through this will take a lot of depth, and I think the most anyone on CAF can do is help point to you where to go.
I’ll end this with a quote that’s been helping me:
Nada te turbe,
nada te espante;
todo se pasa,
Dios no se muda.
La pacientia todo lo alcanza.
Quien a Dios tiene nada la falta:
solo Dios basta.
It’s from Teresa of Avila. Let nothing disturb you,
Let nothing frighten you,
All things are passing away:
God never changes.
Patience obtains all things.
Whoever has God lacks nothing;
God alone suffices.
Well having faith in you is the logical step. If you weren’t serious about working on these problems, you wouldn’t have asked for help here. If you weren’t serious about it, I wouldn’t have faith in you. So it only makes sense.
He knows you are human and you try your best. If you mess up, you go to confession.
You have to stop letting this eat you up. Just do your best to do what God asks. If God knows that truly in your heart, you are doing your best, that’s all He wants. He knows not all of us have the capacity to become saints, but that is o.k. with God, He made us all different. Besides, if you look at who Jesus chose for His apostles, they were just average and ordinary, (and don’t forget, they all ran out on Jesus, and John was the only one there at the crucifiction) . And look at the lives some of the saints lived before they became saints!!
Don’t be so hard on yourself, and don’t waste the beautiful life God gave you!