Is it realistic for me to expect to marry a virgin anymore?


#1

Honestly, is it realistic to expect to marry a virgin before marriage anymore? The overwhelming majority of young people around my age I know are not virgins, and even among so-called Catholics this is true. As a virgin myself, I would love to marry a man who is also a virgin. But when I’m hearing about all these devout Catholic men I know who lose their virginity before marriage, it really disappoints me and makes me question whether it’s even realistic to expect this anymore. Before you all start in, yes I get it, nobody’s perfect, but I guess I feel the way I feel because I am a 24 going on 25 year old woman who has remained a virgin, and plan on staying that way until I’m married and I love the idea of being a man’s one and only woman they’ve ever been intimate with. And especially when it comes to so-called Catholic men, they know better and it frustrates me that they still don’t wait. Am I being idealistic and naive? How can I get over this hangup in case I meet a guy I fall in love with but who’s not a virgin? I don’t know if I could handle that, but I don’t want to cut my dating pool significantly at the same time. Thoughts?


#2

Quit worrying about “so-called” Catholic men and find one that IS Catholic. Don’t discount the good guy who practices his faith now, but may have fallen as a teen or college student…or before he converted to the Faith if he wasn’t raised Catholic.


#3

Some know better, some don’t. Having taught many young people in faith formation over the last 30 years, I can say that even those that come to religion class don’t really “know” what they are doing is wrong-- because my one hour of religious education per week cannot counteract what their parents are telling them the other 167 hours in their week.

It’s the parents example and influence that is most important when they are young. Many do make poor choices, but later come to understand marriage and sexuality and regret those early choices.

I don’t think so. I think that there are men who want to wait until marriage. I definitely know a number of them (now all married) who waited.

Figure out why it is a hang-up.


#4

Priorities: What good will it do to find a male virgin who is not a nice person, drinking and doing drugs? Who is not a good father to your future children?
Exaggerating here, but you get the point: Virginity is a bonus, but not the most important thing by far.


#5

This may be a problem to you now but if and when you fall in love? Love works miracles.


#6

Doubt and disillusion during adolescence and the twenties has always been a reality (just read Augustine’s Confessions), but it seems more prevalent now than it has been in prior centuries, and the pleasures of the world beckon. I guess what I’m trying to say is that some people doubt or make mistakes, lose their virginity, and then come back to the Church, truly converted heart and soul. They might not be virgins, but they might reject further relations until marriage. So, even non-virgin bachelors could now be true Catholic men and women.


#7

I agree that finding a man that is willing and able to settle down and earn a living should be the priority. That seems to be a rarer set of attributes than sexual purity among young males,and more essential to a successful marriage


#8

Ask yourself why it’s so important.

Imo you should worry about chastity rather than virginity. A virgin who’s addicted to porn may be more harmful to your relationship compared to a non virgin who converted and is making a conscious effort everyday to be chaste.

Of course these two types of guys aren’t your own options, there are good virgin guys out there. But focus on chastity over virginity.


#9

I was a male virgin until I married at age 32 . So was my wife ( who was younger)

It is possible …not very likely but with God all things are possible.

There will be tremendous suffering fear and doubt though . Be prepared but persevere.


#10

In my opinion, if you’re an American, no.

I don’t personally know a single person, male or female, who didn’t lose their virginity before the age of 20.


#11

And why do you say “so-called Catholics” when speaking of men who are devout and neither married nor virgins?

You do realize the Church is full of sinners right?

The Church is a field hospital for sinners, not a museum of perfect saints.


#12

I know that, and acknowledged that nobody’s perfect. But I just feel this way because, like I said, I am a virgin and would love to marry a virgin as well given that I’ve been able to wait, so I’d like to have the same done for me. I’d also be afraid of worrying over whether or not my husband would be comparing me to past sexual trysts of his, because I’ve been told that you never forget and will always have an attachment to whoever you have sex with first (correct me if I’m wrong on this though). Your mind has a permanent impression made the first time you ever have sex, isn’t that right?


#13

It’s right to a degree.

I’m a married Catholic man who was with plenty of women before my wife, and I can tell you right now when I’m passionate with my wife I’m not thinking of any of those past experiences.

And even if you were married to a man who was a virgin who had never viewed porn or masturbated (I think you’d be better off finding a unicorn to marry if that was your standard) he could still be thinking of random women or his secretary or whatever when he’s with you if he doesn’t really love you.

But honestly even if spouses fantasize about things at times, I mean we are fallen sinful creatures. It’s bound to happen. But mercy and charity should combine to forgive those we love of their weaknesses and times they fall to temptation.


#14

You need to meet more people. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

In all seriousness, though, how common or uncommon it is, I couldn’t really say. I’ve known plenty of people who waited. I’ve also known plenty of people who did not wait, but then regretted it and recommitted themselves to waiting. Those people are out there.

A lot may depend on your circle of friends. I know I caught my share of flack from people who just took for granted that no one waited for marriage anymore. I find it unfortunate because I’ve known people who simply didn’t bother to wait because they didn’t think anyone else was waiting anymore. I refused to let other people’s anecdotal experience dictate my behavior, though. Eventually, I found a better group of friends who shared my Catholic worldview.


#15

If virginity is so important, look for fundamentalist evangelicals. They seem to care more about it than Catholics. They even do ceremonies for it.
Good luck finding a Catholic virgin man. I don’t know anybody that made it past 20.


#16

Wow. You apparently are running with a crowd of party boys. There are plenty of devout young Catholic men who are virgins- but you have to look in the right places for them. Your local frat house isn’t a good bet. Who cares about Evangelicals? She wants a Catholic man.


#17

It’s all in who you are hanging around with or who is in your circle of friends. Hang with the party/ hook- up crowd and you’re going to get the mattress mate bunch. Hang with the Catholics that take their faith seriously and you’ll find a lot more virgins or those committed to chastity before marriage.


#18

This is an insightful suggestion.


#19

How do you find those Catholics who take their faith seriously, but are still “normal”?
Most of those super-devout ones are a bit strange …
Really, in my experience certain protestant groups take sexual morals much more seriously. Don’t recommend marrying one, though. Just an observation.


#20

Yes, with all due respect, I am not looking for an Evangelical at all. Thank you.


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