Is it that bad?


Not that I have to worry about this any time soon, but I have been struggling with whether I actually would want to have sex with whatever man I may marry. I understand that God created sex to be good, but I keep getting hung up on how it’s supposed to be painful for virgin women… I’ve struggled with paranoia against men for several years, stemming from an event in my childhood. (I wasn’t raped or anything, but I was briefly sexually abused) I am slowly getting better, thanks to God’s healing, mainly, and my wonderful, gentle, kind boyfriend, but it still haunts me. I have this feeling that I’ll be violated somehow, even if my husband is totally, perfectly free of any lust whatsoever… How bad is it, really?


Sex is not meant to be painful and ordinarily is not painful. The only times it’s hurt me is when it’s been rushed, or I’ve not been feeling well and been taking medicine. You’re not being violated if you’re welcoming him! Don’t let yourself be scared because of a past incident. God intended sex to be pleasurable for both men and women.

Don’t get married unless you’re not afraid to have sex. Do not rush yourself on this point. You’ll know when you’re ready. If you don’t know, you’re most likely not ready.

Sex is the fun part. It’s childbirth that’s painful! :eek: :eek: :eek:


Well, first of all, dutifully pray about your vocation.

Secondly, no sex is not bad. Sex is a beautiful and natural part of marriage and when you are really in love with someone ther are many graces that are brought forth.

If it was that bad, then why would God make it an important part of the Sacramental Union?

And, it is like anything else, practice makes perfect. :wink:

Start praying for your future spouse now, if that is your intended vocation. Ask God to bless him with gentleness and understanding. He never disappoints!


:rotfl: :rotfl:

I second that!


It is not bad, painful, at all, done properly.

Lots of good advice here.


Im sure the misconception of being painful on the first time is mainly due to those of society who have pre-marital sex, and its usually the guy being so, for lack of a better word, horny that he doesn’t really care about the woman, but rather cares for nothing more then pleasing himself.
When you’re married the opposite will be so, and your husband will be having sex with you for the purpose of giving YOU pleasure, rather then himself, therefore one can conclude that he will take his time and be as gentle as possible to make it enjoyable for you.


I’ve only had sex with my husband, and for me, sex has never been bad. The first few times were not the most comfortable, physically, but were very rewarding emotionally. As we practised, sex became very, very good! Some of my friends had a lot of sexual experience before marriage, and they related some negative stories which made me nervous. I learned that having sex with your husband, the man who loves you enough to marry you, give you his name and his children, is very different than having sex with some guy named Bob from the bar.

If you were sexually abused, you’ve experienced sex at its most exploitative and selfish. That is not how God intended sex to be. When you marry and have sex with your husband, it should be a very tender and loving thing.


Amazing how the Enemy messes with our heads. I’ve had exactly the opposite problem for years. As a married man who never got to be a woman’s first time, my question often has been “Is it that good?” Often I’ve felt like a “second choice” because I didn’t get the special gift of being my wife’s first time. I assumed that women didn’t think I was “good enough” to give such a special thing to. It took a LOT for me to accept that not all women see their virginity as anything special, that most women don’t save themselves for Mr Right, and that it isn’t any reflection on me. Meanwhile, here you are, dreading the experience and thinking “Is it that bad?” Just goes to show you how clever the Enemy is – he sees the chink in each of our armor and exploits it to the point where he totally sabotages wholesome Christian living — me, to doubt myself instead of feeling loved and accepted by my wife, and you, to make you dread something that by rights you should anticipate with joy.

You will be giving a very special gift to your husband — something that some of us husbands will never receive from our wives. Please think of it as a positive thing.


There are ways to minimize this, or even avoid pain altogether. It varies from woman to woman, really depending on certain physiological factors.

I have this feeling that I’ll be violated somehow, even if my husband is totally, perfectly free of any lust whatsoever…

A mutual gift that is given freely by both spouses is not a violation.

Secular culture tends to reinforce the idea that deep down all men are sexual predators, and even without unfortunate experiences like yours, many women expect the men who love them to use them as objects, even in cases where this is not the intent at all.

The good news is that not all men are like that. Contrary to what stereotypes will teach us, marital relations are a very important part of how good men bond emotionally with their wives. They can be just as important for women, though our psychology is a bit different.

I agree with other posters that before you marry you definitely need to be in a place where fear will not come between you and your spouse. Married love, and all of the things that go with it, are so beautiful. If God does call you to marry someday, you won’t want to miss that. :slight_smile:

How bad is it, really?

With a good man, it’s not bad at all! It’s great!


Good advice here! Just one thing… pray you do not marry a man with a brother like my ex… His brother was getting married and both he and his wife were virgins. My ex (before I knew him) was a nurse and sent them a tube of KY filled with lidocaine. I don’t think they felt a thing their first time!!! But they must have gotten over it cause they had 6 kids after that.

Truly, Don’t worry about it. I can’t say for everybody, but I really didn’t experience pain my first time. It wasn’t like it was great either physically but it wasn’t painful, the emotional part was great though. And… don’t get paranoid about childbirth either… I had absolutely NO pain in childbirth with any of my kids (2 single pregnancies and a twin pregnancy).


It’s not that bad, really…with the right loving and gentle man. It has to do with love, period. Deep love and respect avoids pain. There is some good posts here so I can’t say a great deal more other than to say you have my prayers for continued healing from your past. When you are married the love between you and your husband will overcome this past. Martial love and sex is a gift from God, He wants us to be happy.

If you pray the rosary as well and ask for Marys loving support, you will find a wonderful and incredible sense of healing. Just a suggestion :slight_smile:

Blessings on you pumpkin.


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