Is it wrong that I only date virgins?

I am a practicing virgin, and I only date girls who are also saving it. Why? Well, to me anyways, a boyfriend-girlfriend relashionship isn’t just for fun. It’s about finding someone who could be a potential spouse, and then seeing if you two are compatible. Now, I’m not mean to girls who have or have had premarital sex. However, I know that sex isn’t just physical, and there is a list of reasons that I don’t want to date someone who’s had sex before. These reasons include:

  • The person will most likely still have feelings for others that they have slept with

  • There is a chance of catching some sort of STD

  • There will be the fear of not “performing” as well as the person’s previous sexual partners

  • I would never date a girl who was previously married, so why would I date a girl who was previously “spiritually” married through intercourse?

  • The thought of my wife having sex with other men would make me sad

  • The thought of being in my wife, where other men have been, is repulsive

Is this wrong? The way I look at it, they’re just personal preferences. Like how I prefer brunettes to blondes, or how I prefer short girls to tall ones. Like I said, I don’t hate women who are promiscuous, I just don’t think they’re wife material for me.

How do you find out? :confused:

I was always taught that that kind of information is intimately personal, and not to ask another person to reveal it, so I would have serious logistical problems with that if I were dating.

Provided that you do not have a double-standard or hold those you don’t date in any sort of contempt, you do not have to have any excuses for who you are and are not interested in dating. Just make it clear that you do not exclude anyone because they are inferior, but because you don’t think you’d make them a good match, and you are dating in the hopes of finding someone you’d match well. For instance, you might also decide not to date someone you feel sure has a religious vocation or someone who would not be contented with something about you.

I don’t see a problem with this in general. It may restrict the pool so to speak, but that is clearly your choice. I think you owe it to the people you date to get this out in front early on before strong feeling are formed then squashed. I know that I would prefer that my daughter marries a virgin, same with my son.

That being said your list of reasons does not include my number one reason. That is that such a person has demonstrated high moral character, fortitude and religious faithfulness. I would also add porn use and masturbation addiction to the list as well.

I don’t just blatantly ask them, “So uh, are you a virgin or not?”. I explain to them that God is very important to me, and that he plays a big role in my life. Therefore, it is very important that I try to the best of my ability to follow his rules. I then explain what intercourse means to me, and I then ask if she feels the same way. I also ask her if our relationship were to get more serious, if she’d be willing to wait. So far, most of the girls have been virgins who are waiting. And they seem pretty impressed that a 20 year old guy actually views sex as something more that physical pleasure.

I don’t see what that has to do with it. I don’t watch porn.

But would you be okay if your future spouse was a virgin but was also a porn user?

No, but the chances of meeting a Catholic virgin girl who watches porn seem pretty unlikely.

If you did, you’d see.

Re: Is it wrong that I only date virgins?

No. That is the preferred thing to do. We were both virgins and I can tell it makes a difference. It may be slight, and I’m not saying that the differences can’t be overcome or don’t become less in time, but to say there is no difference would be a lie.

Unfortunately it is much more common these days, its not only men who get drawn into this stuff.

I’m surprised you get any dates.

I am married and have been for many years.

But I couldn’t imagine that, when I was dating, having a potential date explaining what he considers intercourse. If someone starting talking to me like that, I would have run.

That said, you can date, pretty much, whomever you want. Catholic or not, virgin or not, up to you.

You can date whomever you want for whatever reason and none of it is “wrong.” I guess it’s better that you date non-virgins so that no one throws themself at you and makes temptation that much harder… although temptation is always pretty hard no matter what.

I have no desire to date someone who is waiting until marriage to have sex, so on the same token it’s all good that you don’t want to date someone who wants to wait. But just realize that you have a small pool to pick from these days, especially at 20 years old. Consider the fact that you might have to make some sacrifices.

Oh, and just because a girl has had sex before doesn’t make her a bad person or less of one. And also… people can still catch STDs from sexual acts other than intercourse, so just be aware of that.

The person will most likely still have feelings for others that they have slept with

  • I would never date a girl who was previously married, so why would I date a girl who was previously “spiritually” married through intercourse?

Delineating the differences is hard to do as there aren’t many of us around to bounce thoughts off of. I would say these two points you list are the most germane from a woman’s perspective. They’re more “relationship” and “feelings” than a man is, and I don’t understand it a whole lot. From a man’s perspective, I would say that having only have ever had intimate contact with one woman prevents a lot of the wandering thoughts that can lead to trouble. I can’t think about “intimacy” with another woman the way other men can who have been around the block because for me all thoughts of such a nature lead back to her.

It’s hard to explain, but as you get older and meet a few divorced men in their 30’s and 40’s I think it becomes more obvious. They tend to view sex more as an end unto itself which they can find with any woman. For me it isn’t separated from my wife the way it is for them. That’s a good way to phrase it. Men who have been around view the two separately. Now, I’m talking about degrees here, not totality, and the degree to which that rupture exists will surely dissipate in time for a man who marries and is faithful, even having been around before. It’s almost as if sex is an aspect of my wife. She should take comfort in that idea if she thinks that it is important to me then certainly that would increase her importance to me as well and I would be sure to take good care of her. That isn’t to say that arousal cannot happen elsewhere, say by seeing an attractive woman on tv or in a magazine, but when it does it usually just makes me think of her. It doesn’t make me think of the woman in the magazine, and I don’t have fantasies about them, or dream of a relationship with them, and forget about them the second I look away. Not that any woman will ever understand that last concept, or it is at least difficult for them.

I see how that might screen out people who aren’t chaste, but chastity and virginity aren’t the same. A gal could be 100% chaste and on board with waiting presently, and simultaneously not a virgin, if she has undergone a reversion.

No. I recommend it. The norm was ‘no sex before marriage’ and it should be the norm today.

Best,
Ed

I find myself intrigued by the phrase “practising virgin…” What exactly are you practising?

I wouldn’t think this conversation happens on a first date, but at some time later when the topic of intimacy or the possibility of intimate situations comes up, such as when explaining why he’s avoiding some particular situation that might prove too much of a temptation.

Many people who are waiting for marriage complain about how hard it is to find someone who does not think this is somewhere between unrealistic and preposterous. If you were someone in that camp, I don’t think you’d find that kind of talk quite so odd. Some women would, but the OP doesn’t want to draw them along and then have them feel as if he’s rejecting them later.

You should date or not date whomever makes you comfortable; What you shouldn’t do is look down your nose at people or think you are better than them based on life choices.

I thought he meant he was not just someone who’d never had the opportunity to engage in premarital sex, but someone who had avoided premarital sex more by the use of self-control and by denying himself opportunities when he could fall. IOW, he does date women…that is what I guessed that he meant. (I am glad that he considers the avoidance of porn and so on as part of living a chaste life. Some people believe that avoiding extramarital intercourse is sufficient, which is a course that is neither pure nor prudent.)

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.