During the past few days, I’ve come to be honest with myself and realize that I am angry at God, though I don’t necessarily show it or want to say it. I’m just tired of suffering and getting worse, not better and waiting for something to happen. I’ve been in the state of grace, trying to go to confession frequently, praying, trying my best to get away from sin and talking with a spiritual director and even then, I only get worse.
God has been very absent and not answered my prayers, and if he has, it was only to make me worse than I was. I don’t think it’s right to get worse to the point of being a danger to myself and get more spiritually lost than I was before. How can that make any sense for a loving God? I don’t even know if I believe in everything the church teaches. I don’t understand anything anymore and I’m sick of having scrupulosity and trying but NOTHING happening.