Is it wrong to have sex solely for procreative purposes?


#1

In the past when we've tried to conceive, my husband and I have had "business" sex. Basically he would rush home for lunch, we'd do the deed as quickly and efficiently as possible, and get on with our days. Since it's immoral to separate the components of sex... Is it wrong to have unenjoyable, all-business intercourse at ovulation time for the purposes of conceiving?

Alternatively, is it wrong to have sex when you don't want to and it actually makes you feel a little mad at your husband rather than more united with him?


#2

Seems to all even out in your particular situation. Obviously you want babies, your husband sacrifices his lunch hour and his enjoyment of lovemaking to accommodate your 3 fertile days. Then there are other days when he would like some satisfaction and you don't feel up to it. So what? He did his part for you when you were demanding. Kids, sex, marriage...are there any topics more profoundly and inextricably linked? And the gradations of feelings are mysterious. You can't go wrong by pleasing your husband.


#3

Giving one another the gift of marital love in this way is not wrong at all. In fact, I think the opposite is true and I would describe your situation quite differently.

Here is how I would describe what you are doing: "Here are two people that are married and committed to one another in a Sacramental marriage. They beleive they are being called to have children so even though they are not "in the mood" they have decided to put their feelings aside to come together anyway...all for the purpose of trying to bring another soul into the world!"

Trying to conceive a child is not business sex even though it may seem like it...it is being open to life and a miracle gift from God despite your passion or lack of passion at the moment.

God bless you!


#4

While it's not the ideal setting, your situation is not sinful. You are holding up one aspect of sex (procreation) but here's the key: you're not denying the other aspect of sex (unity/intimacy of love between spouses).

What would be wrong is if you actively thwarted the unitive aspect, which is why in vitro fertilization is sinful. (This is the flip side of artificial contraception, which actively thwarts the procreative side.) But again, what you describe is not wrong.


#5

I read an article recently that talked about a study that showed that women who have unprotected sex with a man, to put it in simplistic terms, essentially become addicted to him. So from a scientific standpoint, I don't think there's a way for it to not be unitive as long as condoms aren't involved. And, believe me, I've already used this argument on my claiming-to-be-too-tired-so-it-can't-be-unitive wife. :)


#6

[quote="SanctaMommy, post:1, topic:244554"]
In the past when we've tried to conceive, my husband and I have had "business" sex. Basically he would rush home for lunch, we'd do the deed as quickly and efficiently as possible, and get on with our days. Since it's immoral to separate the components of sex... Is it wrong to have unenjoyable, all-business intercourse at ovulation time for the purposes of conceiving?

Alternatively, is it wrong to have sex when you don't want to and it actually makes you feel a little mad at your husband rather than more united with him?

[/quote]

Probably not under the circumstances you describe. Unitive isn't just all about your feelings. It is about the joining of your bodies in the one flesh union . There is a good purpose for the couple when they come together that way.


#7

If it's wrong, then every single one of us comes from tainted stock, as C.S. Lewis so rightly pointed out.


#8

I question whether it is really possible for sex between a married couple with the aim of conception ever can have no uniting purpose.

It might not be particularly pleasurable for one or the other. Bu surely it does cement the relationship in other ways.


#9

[quote="SanctaMommy, post:1, topic:244554"]
In the past when we've tried to conceive, my husband and I have had "business" sex. Basically he would rush home for lunch, we'd do the deed as quickly and efficiently as possible, and get on with our days. Since it's immoral to separate the components of sex... Is it wrong to have unenjoyable, all-business intercourse at ovulation time for the purposes of conceiving?

Alternatively, is it wrong to have sex when you don't want to and it actually makes you feel a little mad at your husband rather than more united with him?

[/quote]

Why would you feel mad at him though? Sounds like he's doing his part?


#10

[quote="SanctaMommy, post:1, topic:244554"]
In the past when we've tried to conceive, my husband and I have had "business" sex. Basically he would rush home for lunch, we'd do the deed as quickly and efficiently as possible, and get on with our days. Since it's immoral to separate the components of sex... Is it wrong to have unenjoyable, all-business intercourse at ovulation time for the purposes of conceiving?

Alternatively, is it wrong to have sex when you don't want to and it actually makes you feel a little mad at your husband rather than more united with him?

[/quote]

You made me think of "Flight of the Concords" ;)

I'm wondering why you wouldn't put in the effort to enjoy it? Especially when trying to conceive...a whole new little soul. Enjoy your husband!


#11

[quote="SanctaMommy, post:1, topic:244554"]
In the past when we've tried to conceive, my husband and I have had "business" sex. Basically he would rush home for lunch, we'd do the deed as quickly and efficiently as possible, and get on with our days. Since it's immoral to separate the components of sex... Is it wrong to have unenjoyable, all-business intercourse at ovulation time for the purposes of conceiving?

[/quote]

What is your reason for wanting to conceive? Are you trying to add another "possession"? Are you planning to exploit the child or sell him/her into slavery?

No, of course not. You want a child as an expression of your love, to add to your family and because you believe in your vocation as parents.

Sex is supposed to be procreative and unitive. You are fulfilling both even if you don't get an emotional "fix" from the act.

Alternatively, is it wrong to have sex when you don't want to and it actually makes you feel a little mad at your husband rather than more united with him?

This is a question only you and your husband can answer. There's nothing wrong with having sex when only one of you is "in the mood"; in fact it's generally not a good idea to deny your spouse without a good reason. On the other hand, if this is causing resentment or a feeling that you aren't being given respect, it's not a good thing to just "give in".


#12

It is absolutely not wrong.


#13

Can someone point me to church teaching as it relates to the definition of "unitive" when referring to the marital embrace?


#14

[quote="Gordon_Sims, post:5, topic:244554"]
I read an article recently that talked about a study that showed that women who have unprotected sex with a man, to put it in simplistic terms, essentially become addicted to him. So from a scientific standpoint, I don't think there's a way for it to not be unitive as long as condoms aren't involved. And, believe me, I've already used this argument on my claiming-to-be-too-tired-so-it-can't-be-unitive wife. :)

[/quote]

This about says it!

And, as a married woman, I second that scientific finding... teehee.


#15

[quote="Rico_S, post:13, topic:244554"]
Can someone point me to church teaching as it relates to the definition of "unitive" when referring to the marital embrace?

[/quote]

How about Casti Connubii for a start?

  1. This conjugal faith, however, which is most aptly called by St. Augustine the "faith of chastity" blooms more freely, more beautifully and more nobly, when it is rooted in that more excellent soil, the love of husband and wife which pervades all the duties of married life and holds pride of place in Christian marriage. For matrimonial faith demands that husband and wife be joined in an especially holy and pure love, not as adulterers love each other, but as Christ loved the Church. This precept the Apostle laid down when he said: "Husbands, love your wives as Christ also loved the Church,"[24] that Church which of a truth He embraced with a boundless love not for the sake of His own advantage, but seeking only the good of His Spouse.[25] The love, then, of which We are speaking is not that based on the passing lust of the moment nor does it consist in pleasing words only, but in the deep attachment of the heart which is expressed in action, since love is proved by deeds.[26] This outward expression of love in the home demands not only mutual help but must go further; must have as its primary purpose that man and wife help each other day by day in forming and perfecting themselves in the interior life, so that through their partnership in life they may advance ever more and more in virtue, and above all that they may grow in true love toward God and their neighbor, on which indeed "dependeth the whole Law and the Prophets."[27] For all men of every condition, in whatever honorable walk of life they may be, can and ought to imitate that most perfect example of holiness placed before man by God, namely Christ Our Lord, and by God's grace to arrive at the summit of perfection, as is proved by the example set us of many saints.

  2. This mutual molding of husband and wife, this determined effort to perfect each other, can in a very real sense, as the Roman Catechism teaches, be said to be the chief reason and purpose of matrimony, provided matrimony be looked at not in the restricted sense as instituted for the proper conception and education of the child, but more widely as the blending of life as a whole and the mutual interchange and sharing thereof.


#16

The Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality (Pontifical Council for the Family)

  1. Man is called to love and to self-giving in the unity of body and spirit. Femininity and masculinity are complementary gifts, through which human sexuality is an integrating part of the concrete capacity for love which God has inscribed in man and woman. "Sexuality is a fundamental component of personality, one of its modes of being, of manifestation, of communicating with others, of feeling, of expressing and of living human love". This capacity for love as self-giving is thus "incarnated" in the nuptial meaning of the body, which bears the imprint of the person's masculinity and femininity. "The human body, with its sex, and its masculinity and femininity, seen in the very mystery of creation, is not only a source of fruitfulness and procreation, as in the whole natural order, but includes right ?from the beginning' the ?nuptial' attribute, that is, the capacity of expressing love: that love precisely in which the man-person becomes a gift and — by means of this gift — fulfils the very meaning of his being and existence". Every form of love will always bear this masculine and feminine character.

#17

Familiaris Consortio

Consequently, sexuality, by means of which man and woman give themselves to one another through the acts which are proper and exclusive to spouses, is by no means something purely biological, but concerns the innermost being of the human person as such. It is realized in a truly human way only if it is an integral part of the love by which a man and a woman commit themselves totally to one another until death. The total physical self-giving would be a lie if it were not the sign and fruit of a total personal self-giving, in which the whole person, including the temporal dimension, is present: if the person were to withhold something or reserve the possibility of deciding otherwise in the future, by this very fact he or she would not be giving totally.


#18

[quote="Lady_Marchmain, post:2, topic:244554"]
your husband sacrifices his lunch hour and his enjoyment of lovemaking to accommodate your 3 fertile days.

[/quote]

Sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice.

Yep. That's what it's all about!


#19

I think the others here are correct - the unitive aspect can also be the desire to have a child and family together, to accomplish this part of your family life.

However, if you feel a bit mad, while I don't think it is a sin, it is something you should address. This can really get out of control and make you feel used, and affect other parts of your relationship. I would spend some time thinking about why you feel this way, and talk about it with your husband. It might be worth changing how you are approaching sex to solve this problem.


#20

[quote="themeginthemoon, post:14, topic:244554"]
This about says it!

And, as a married woman, I second that scientific finding... teehee.

[/quote]

The study itself was actually pretty cool when you consider it from a Catholic point of view. We're taught that God gave us the gift of sex as a way for a man & wife to fully express their love for one another, and the Church teaches that one of the primary aspects of it is that it must be unitive. Now, scientists find out that, from a purely biological standpoint, if a couple has non-contraceptive sex it absolutely performs a unitive function, to the point that when a woman breaks up with a man with whom she's had unprotected sex, she actually goes through symptoms similar to withdrawal, and takes much longer to recover than if she'd been using contraception. In other words, the scientists have shown that God absolutely hard-wired us to function best as married couples when following the Church's teachings. It's kind of mind-blowing when you think about it, although I'm fairly certain none of the mainstream media outlets will present that aspect of it.


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