Is it wrong...

I am 35 and I do not want to marry. I have a girlfriend and we are never, ahem, intimate. She and I both think the institution of marriage has failed. Why should we marry when sex is not part of our relationship? In all honestly, sex is a feeling, nothing more. It’s also a loaded gun if one isn’t careful (spiritually and physically). We both believe that children inhibit our freedom of action. And since the purpose of marriage is procreation, there lies another reason we will not marry (and we do not cohabitate).

I have no desire for the religious life, either. I commend those who choose it, but I’ve never desired the lifestyle. (And I think it’s a false dichotomy to believe that one either marries or becomes religious.)

I do not like associating with others during Mass. I even avoid giving the peace sign because I simply want to do my duty and leave (and it’s a silly notion–I’m probably shaking hands with the same people who launch ad hominem attacks on this board when I disagree with them).

I do not join groups at church simply because I find them to be boring. There’s nothing wrong with it, but it’s “not my beer” as Bavarians would say (a slight reference to the Pope).

I like anonymity. It’s one of the reasons I chose to live in a foreign country. I’m not lonely, but I am bored all the time. Every book I read, every activity I engage in, I become completely bored with it after a certain period. I don’t fill the time with sin, either (no alcohol/no drugs/but smoke ;)) My gf’s first language is not English, so I am completely alone in my thoughts. (It’s both frustrating and peaceful at the same time.)

My question: is it wrong to want to be left alone?

No, I don’t think so. There are people on the opposite end who can’t stand their own company and are fearful of being alone.

I think you need to sacrifice your own feelings when it comes to participating fully in the Mass. It isn’t my thing either but I’ve come to feel that maybe by extending my hand to the person next to me is something he/she might need more than I. Human contact might not be important to you but it may be just what your neighbor needs. There are many older retired people in my church who come alone and live alone.

You do have obligations to others. Two are your parents. You are obligated to honor them. They’re not to be ignored for the sake of your anonymity.

As Catholics we’re taught to be charitable. I always have the picture in my mind of Christ knocking on my door. What if I turned Him away?

And be careful of your girlfriend’s needs. Her biological clock is ticking. If you really mean that you never want to marry nor have children, let her know and set her free if she has other goals in her life.

It isn’t wrong to want to be left alone. Desires are never wrong.

But to avoid new people and to avoid encounters that would make you uncomfortable cuts you off from reality. Have you read Dostoevsky’s Notes from the Underground? It’s a classic example of how too much solitude is starvation of the soul.

I’m not saying it’s a sin, but I do think it is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You cannot help your desire to experience approval from others, and you’re setting yourself up to avoid that approval.

You just seem to be too self-centered. No criticism here. Some great saints have useful words on that - St. Theresa of Lisieux, for instance. The submission to boring, or dangerous, or painful activities allowed them to feel free because they felt that such activities were part of God’s plan for them. They served God by feeling bored, threatened, mortificated.

To the posters:

First, thanks for reading and responding.

My reply:

  1. I submit to painful activities such as weightlifting. I enjoy physical pain.
  2. I don’t need anyone’s approval for anything. I’m not hurting anyone and they cannot judge me or send my soul to hell, thus they are irrelevant. I’ll help if I’m asked, but I will not be their best friend.
  3. I am not fearful of lonliness. I PREFER being alone, which is the point of this post.
  4. I never even mentioned by parents who live in obese, cesspool America (I do not live there and never will again).
  5. Don’t presume I ignore my own parents or I will presume you beat your children.
  6. With all due respect, my gf has no biological clock. She has an irregular cycle and she thinks children are too expensive (I agree) and a limitation of her freedom of action. She wants to travel and have a career. She is 30 and nothing has changed. This is something that makes us compatible. (oh yeah, she isn’t a fat, nagging, big mouthed American)
  7. I’m not sure where Dostoyesky fits into all of this. My soul isn’t starving. Everyone dies.
  8. Maybe I’m self-centred, and maybe you are, but who isn’t? Remember when you point at someone, three fingers point back at you.

The Church doesn’t teach that there are only two options. One may have a vocation to chaste single, married or religious life. There are some very good books by Jason and Crystalina Evert on the subject.

Regarding the following:

  1. You asked “is it wrong to want to be left alone.” You asked this board a question, got a number of answers and then take issue with the answers saying you are basically fine. So what was the purpose of your OP?

  2. Fine. No argument about wanting to be alone but that doesn’t totally absolve you from being charitable to others.

4.& 5. That’s right you didn’t mention your parents. You can live as you want but you are commanded by God’s commandments to honor your parents. And you are to be charitable to your neighbors. Are you sure you are doing that? I’m sure you know that it means taking a real interest in them and not just offering pity because they live among the bumpkins. Beating the kids? Sure thought about it especially when they acted like total ingrates. But they grew out of that stage early.

  1. Fine.

  2. That’s deep.

LOL :thumbsup:


When I first read your post I was going to answer in a light-hearted way and suggest that you might make a good hermit (also a religious); however, then I continued to read and watched you become very uncharitable toward the strangers that you asked to judge your situation. How dare they express thoughts, possibilities, ideas, and suggestions that you don’t agree with. Perhaps, in the future, you will be kind enough to include a reply that we may all copy and paste in answer to any future questions you may have.

Having said that, I will throw my 2 cents in. First, I did not see any responses to your original post that warranted the type of follow-up post that you gave. You obviously do not think very highly of Americans (though you came from the States) and this leads me to wonder why you posted on a form which is based in San Diego and is primarily populated by American citizens. Was it because you have a need to feel superior and enjoy being insulting and argumentative? I think you will do very well by yourself. I know that those nearby will appreciate it no matter what country you are residing in. God bless.

Ad hominem attacks? You mean, like the one you put up in your OP? You lump all Americans into one heap and attack them on your own biased view of them. Has it ever crossed your mind that at least some of these people are worried about you and your attitude? Why go to Mass if you don’t want to be around these people? Why not stay home and be a “better” person and let your soul become embittered by your self centered views? Or do you consider that an ad hominem attack?

Not all persons are called to the vocation of marriage. It is good to know what you are called to and what you are not called to.

Marriage is not a “failed institution.” It is a Sacrament, instituted by Christ and elevated to such a high level that it gives sanctifying grace to the spouses.

A better question is why do you want a girlfriend when you have no intention to marry. The purpose of a dating relationship is the discernment of marriage.

If she is a platonic friend only, why do you call her your girlfriend?

Sexual intimacy is not “nothing more” than a feeling. It is the creative act by which God brings new life into the world. We co-create with God and renew the marriage covenant by our sexual intimacy with our spouses. God created sexual intimacy as part of the marriage covenant.

You are correct that for singles it can be perilous. That is why those who are dating should discern marriage or move on from one another. Perpetual “dating” when there is romantic interest but no marriage in which to express that physical love is indeed a near occasion of sin.

God views children somewhat differently. But, it is good that you have discerned that since you do not want to be parents you will not marry.

One can certainly be chaste, single, and living in the world. Opus Dei is founded on this very principle.

It is your *duty *to offer the sign of peace.

Be that as it may, you should still participate in the Mass fully and actively. That includes the Peace. You might also shake hands with a bona fide saint, and maybe their holiness will rub off on you.

You seem to think everyone and everything except you and your “girlfriend” are boring, reprehensible, etc. Perhaps the problem lies within you and not with everyone else. Maybe some counseling would help.

It is not normal to find *everything *“boring.” Perhaps you should talk to someone about your lethargy. God gave us everything and called it good. He calls us to find joy in life, even in every day activities and in work. If you experience ennui in all you do, there could be issues you need to address.

Yes. God calls us to community, not to solitude.

The hermits and religious who seek that out do so under serious spiritual direction and for a specific purpose. God created humanity in community.

We exerpience God in our fellow man. The Church is the family of God. The Church is community. Worship is to be in community. That’s why we exchange the Peace. That’s why we worship corporately. God created us this way, he said, “it is not good for man to be alone.”

I think you have some serious problems. I hope you will address them with some spiritual direction.

To be Christian is to be in communion with our fellow believers, the only way that the world knows we are Christians is by how much we love each other. Jesus’ own words.

Jesus told us to be salt of the earth and a light to the world, and commanded us not to hide our light.

Pray, ask the Holy Spirit to re-kindle Christ’s love in you, so you can love your fellow man.

Nope. There is nothing wrong with that. As long as you don’t do anything wrong or bad its fine and ok. Sometimes it’s better to be alone than have bad company with you. That’s how I view it. It’s surprising though how everything is boring for you and I wonder why. Doesn’t even a party make you happy or not bored?

Sir, you seem to be very angry, especially with fat americans. Fat people are people too. Why all the anger and resentment? Start being honest with yourself about your hiding behind your preference to be alone and the true reason you feel this way and your life will in all likleyhood change for the better. God Bless.

How’s it working for you so far?

Does your approach to life bring you any joy?

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