I would like to ask a question, in all sincerity and without malice and would appreciate a straight forward answer.
I'll forewarn that in the next few days I will be leaving where I am to a place where I will not have daily internet access so I will not be on daily.
I have a very horrible past with catholicism / christianity. I don't want to go into huge detail but it involved alot of abuse. This is not the point of my post, just the context.
I was born and raised catholic, went to catholic schools, prayed lots of rosaries, did the devotions, mercy chaplet, go to confession, I have gone to mass every Sunday cause if I don't I'll go to hell .... for gods sake, I am no longer catholic/christian and I STILL GO TO MASS every Sunday because of fear.
As a result I had a nervous breakdown exactly ten years ago and have suffered with depression/anxiety/panic attacks ever since.
I now want freedom! I want to be free, from the church, from Jesus, from Mary and from all the saints. That is all I want. Again I do not mean this with malice. I was filled with anger for such a long time now I just feel sadness and want an end. I feel like I have lost my entire life to date because of catholicism/christianity.
I do not want to make anyone lose faith. I want the chains of this so-called salvation to be broken so i can be free. The salvation of christ has been the most painful thing I have ever endured.
I do believe in the Heavenly Father. He alone is enough for me and there for me. He is my peace ... so why must he be destroyed? Why am I so sinful because I believe in the Father?
I do not want Jesus or Mary or the saints. They can fight for heaven's front seats between themselves. I do not want eternal life, I do not want glory, or merit, or to be holy.
I just want to live what's left of my life with peace.
I know I am an object of wrath created for hell
"Thou wilt say then unto me, Why doth he yet find fault? For who hath resisted his will?
Nay but, O man, who art thou that repliest against God? Shall the thing formed say to him that formed it, Why hast thou made me thus?
Hath not the potter power over the clay, of the same lump to make one vessel unto honour, and another unto dishonour? What if God, choosing to show his wrath and make his power known, bore with great patience the objects of his wrath--prepared for destruction?"
and that is alright. But I would like peace so why is it such a sin for me to turn to a God who is merciful to me? Why, as I wait to be destroyed, can't I have some peace.
I honestly feel and believe that with everything that had happened and all the pain and all the fear and all the loss of years and youth I will never trust Jesus. Never.
According to there being no salvation outside of the church - and I am not invincibly ignorant of the church's teachings, I know them very well. Why do I still have to be damned? To me it feels like being spat in the face.
I'm not sure if I have expressed myself clearly. This is a difficult thing to ask and I find it difficult to describe what goes on in my soul at times.