So, I just came back from therapy (I go once a week)…I now need to vent, because some things she said have REALLY angered me.
I started going back to therapy after having some problems in my relationship, that I realized had more to do with myself as an individual than with me as part of an item/couple. My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year, and have been in a long distance relationship for roughly 4 months.
Being in a long distance relationship is really hard. I knew it was going to be so, but I didn’t know how hard it would be. Regardless, I love him more than I can say, he’s the most wonderful gift God has given me and as such he is someone I am willing to fight for.
So, today, my psychologist started inquiring about our (long-distance) relationship. She asked me how long he’d be away and was shocked when I said 3 to 4 years (he’s off to grad school for a Masters of Divinity degree). She started asking me why we don’t live together, I told her we will, one day, if and when we get married. She asked me why don’t we get married? I said we weren’t ready (DUH, I am 22 and back in therapy because I need to sort things out as an individual…imprudent much to seriously think of marriage yet?!). I’m used to those questions, so even though annoyed, I answered them. However, it got worse. She started asking me how on earth could I live 4 years without feeling his touch? And then proceeded to ask if we had an active sex life. I said no, and I said that living without his touch (which I chose to interpret as hugging and kissing, aka acceptable pre-marital physical intimacy) was part of the effort that I was willing to make to keep this relationship going, despite the obstacles that we face. She then said that she honestly didn’t think a relationship would last that long under those circumstances, and also told me that we are giving priority to what he wants (a degree). She told me that 4 years of this would be awful, and that a situation like this is painful (um…DUH), and that I don’t have to commit to 4 years of pain. That I don’t deserve it.
At this point I wanted to punch her and everything around me…but I’m too polite to let that show. Plus, I actually like her, as she generally has good advice to give. But today…MAN. Yes, it is painful…SO WHAT? It’s something worth fighting for, something I am willing to fight for, something that I DO deserve because I am not focusing on the pain that this causes, but on how wonderful it is that I have such an amazing man in my life, and what an honor it is to be able to call him my boyfriend.
I am scared. I’ve seen far more than one long-distance relationship fall down to pieces. I feel pretty scared and insecure on my own…I don’t need my THERAPIST to remind me of that. What scares me the most is that I was counting on being able to seek her out whenever I was feeling insecure about my relationship (I have a lot of anxiety issues, which is why I started going back to therapy), but now I don’t think I can. I can’t be sure that my boyfriend and I will stay together for the rest of our lives…but no one has the right to put more and more doubt in my head.
I don’t know what to do. I feel so frustrated I want to cry right now. I’m sorry for the long rant, I just didn’t know where else to go. This sucks…