Going over past relationships I’ve had, I often wonder if I missed out. I am always doubting myself. I look back on one girl in particular. She is the most amazing Catholic in the world. But when I was with her, we had nothing to talk about. And I had no physical attraction to her. Part of me thinks that the latter is minor, and shouldn’t be considered. But isn’t physical attraction part of finding a wife/husband?
It took me 2 years of being with her to break up with her. Mostly because since I doubt myself all the time, I wanted to see if my initial feelings might change. They didn’t. And, well, she is a great woman. I am just worried that maybe I’m a bad person because I’ve rejected this really great woman- that maybe God is telling me she’s the one.
But then, if procreation is part of that, how can I be with a woman I’m not attracted to?
Don’t forget, this whole forum moves really fast, so posts and threads can get buried pretty quickly. I would give people a chance to still find this post and to comment on it.
Anyway, I do think that there has to be some kind of attraction between people, but on the other hand, if you like someone, you will also find them attractive too, if that makes sense.
When I was younger and was just hanging out with people and going out with others before I even met my husband, I happened to be attracted to people that I liked, and because I liked them, I happened to find them attractive.
You have to be able to trust your instincts and not doubt yourself, too.
If you didn’t find this particular young lady attractive, then she probably just wasn’t attractive to you.
Don’t worry, we’re not ignoring you. It often takes a few hours for your thread to make it to the “New Threads” bar on the homepage, which is where most people jump on to threads.
Yes, physical attraction matters (to an extent), and no, you are not a bad person for not courting and marrying this girl because you weren’t attracted to her.
Romance is a fickle thing. Sometimes it seems elusive for reasons that are ridiculous, and the truth is that there are many, many factors at play in making two persons compatible. Personality types, interests, dreams, appearances, heck, *pheromones *can make a difference.
You can use you inner, gut feeling to know if you really and truly think that a marriage with another person will be compatible, and obviously, with this lady you mention, who I am sure is a wonderful person, there was something that didn’t fit. There’s nothing wrong with that.
Don’t doubt yourself; just date with intention and perception, and carefully ask yourself the question: “Could I live with this person and share my deepest heart with them for the rest of my life?”
If the answer is no, then either fix that or move on.
If you perceive that you are not really attracted to anyone who is a suitable mate, perhaps God is calling you to the priesthood. Perhaps He has other plans.
In any case, I would suggest finding a good mentor, if possible, who can help you sort through your needs, wants, and desires, and give you a third person understanding of a situation. If you aren’t sure if you can marry a girl, think it over, talk it over with your mentor, and carefully try to reach finality in a decision of whether to continue to date or break it off.
Above all, PRAY. Pray for your future spouse, be she the woman of your life or the Church.
If you look online you can find novenas and prayers “for my future spouse” that may interest you. Remember, God knows your destiny and the best possible way to find it is to ask Him directly.
Well I know I’m not meant to be a priest…I really do need a wife…but then maybe being alone is a cross to bear, I don’t know.
I just hate the fact that this girl seems like she would make a perfect wife for some lucky guy, but it isn’t me, and she has deemed me as her one and only and has sworn off other men. I don’t want that to be.
I am praying for a spouse/direction, thank you. I appreciate your words.
First, you did the right thing by breaking up with someone you weren’t attracted to. If you were with her for two years, I think maybe there’s more to it than you weren’t just physically attracted to her. That’s a long time, my friend, but correct me if I am wrong.
Let me just say this: you’re a guy, but if an average woman were in your situation, I promise you she wouldn’t date someone she’s not attracted to. A lot of people miss that point.
I don’t think you should be with someone you are attracted to.
When I was dating a few years ago, there were a lot of arguably “great” Catholic girls out there, but there is more to than that.
I like the logical approach you have, but you’ve got to have that attraction.
And it’s not mean or cheap either, because I promise you that most all women wouldn’t cu t us that kind of slack—and frankly they shouldn’t.
Being married to someone and having a good Sacramental marriage takes work, and as marriage experts Nicky and Sila Lee would say “it gets to a point where you choose to love your partner”.
Kinda hard to do for someone you’re not attracted to, and that includes physical attraction.
I don’t think Jacob was ever “into” Leah romantically. He was tricked into marrying her in the Old Testament. Finally God allowed him to be with the wife he had chosen from the beginning, Rachel. I have always felt bad for Leah, being the reject, the hated one, the ugly one. This story could be an example of a “loveless” marriage and the importance of attaction is in choosing a Catholic spouse. Yet Jacob was faithful to his commitment, and together they bore 7 children. Genesis 29
Leah’s eyes were weak, but Rachel was beautiful in form and appearance. Jacob loved Rachel. Genesis 29:17-18***
I doubt you’d actually have trouble procreating when the time came. I wouldn’t worry about that.
I also wouldn’t worry about whether God is telling you that “she’s the one.” No doubt in some sense God’s providence ordains or permits everything that happens, but that includes tragic, “failed” marriages too and is a great mystery.
I don’t think there’s a duty either way. There is no duty to marry someone just because she’s a “great woman.” There is also no duty to marry only a person to whom you feel attracted. What matters is what is good for you, for her, and for God’s glory. Did you hurt her by breaking up with her? On the other hand, might you have hurt her if you had married her, whether by not giving her the love she desired or by desiring other women to whom you were more attracted?
I think those are better questions to ask. Marry someone whom you can love as Christ loved the Church. Sexual attraction is the icing on the cake, which is not to say that it’s unimportant.
Thing is, physical attraction is different than just being with someone beautiful. Everyone says this girl I"m talking about was prettier than the girl I just broke up with. But my last gf I had an amazing chemistry with, and with the former, I didn’t.
I like beautiful women like most guys…but it isn’t a guarantee of attraction. I’ve been with pretty women I felt no attraction toward.
I just hate hurting people…thanks to everyone for your nice comments.
I always brood over this issue as well. I lean more towards the side that says attraction is relevant. I always fear that if I marry a woman whom I don’t feel attracted to, I might get tempted very often, since there are a lot of attractive secular women around. :o
Another issue for me is the degree of attraction. I prefer to feel 100% attracted to someone. But that’s not often the case.
Most of my friends and family who are happily married state that they were not initially attracted to their mate, that their mate was not like most of the people that they were normally attracted to.
Also, the men with whom I have had powerful attractions were usually messed up with some unresolved childhood or young adult trauma OR they had serious problems with drugs and alcohol. In short, they were so hurt or wasted that they needed some kind of JOLT to start a relationship and I had some unconscious issues…
I was attracted to messes, I think, because I believed in fairy tales and I had an IMPRINT from many of the men in my family with whom I grew up (and automatically trusted), and who had some of those same messed-up issues…so for me it was a matter of blind familiarity and therefore a feeling of safety. But alas! that form of familiarity was very unsafe in the long haul…I am fortunate to finally have doubted such attractions and to have severed those ties in relationships that were doomed from the start. Glad to have grown up and opened my eyes more…
I still think the best kind of attraction is that you both love and honor God first, share a sense of humor, intelligence, and values, and hopefully like some of the same music. I’ll take that kind of attraction any day. If he loves football, hates ballet, loves barbeques, hates rose bushes, I can deal with those differences.
I don’t know if men have the same issues about attraction because so many people say men are more visual…is this true for you?
Ever watch Beauty and The Beast - Tale as old as time True as it can be Barely even friends Then somebody bends Unexpectedly Just a little change Small to say the least . . . Ever just the same Ever a surprise Ever as before and Ever just as sure As the sun will rise . . . Bittersweet and strange Finding you can change Learning you were wrong . . . (Howard Ashman)
My point is that as love grows, attraction often grows. Some people look a whole lifetime and never find perfect attraction. Is that consistent with your goals and values? Are you willing to compromise? Much of what we get out of a relationship is dependent upon what we put into it. I guess if you enter a relationship just totally focusing on physical attraction, you will likely be miserable. However, if you focus on what you really like about the person as a whole, you might be surprised - finding you can change . . . learning you were wrong.
I would worry about this issue more than whether or not you’re attracted to her. Beauty fades, and you need someone you have a lot in common with and can grow old with. At first is the initial attraction, then marriage, then children (the kids will be something you have in common) but once the kids move out on their own it’ll be back to just the two of you and you need to be able to live with each other.
The thing about attraction is its fleeting…what is more important is to have love for one another…
You obviously care for this lady very much…why not invite her to a movie or something…just as a friend and see how it goes…dont set unrealistic goals though…the lady may not be attractive to you but she is made in gods image and is beautiful in gods eye…alot of "beautiful attractive "people on tv and in magazines are only beautiful because they are airbrushed or have had plastic surgery or are wearing a ton of make up…if the lady is as great as you say then give her another chance…look at her anew…see her as god sees her…as a beautiful daughter of god made in his image…
Physicians attraction is important but it is not everything. It is no that you are a bad person probably you just feel unworthy to be with that person and that is normal for both parties. It might not be that you are meant to date this girl. Have faith in God and wait for him to move and to help you
Yes, I think attraction is very important. So is compatibility and love. I wouldn’t advise anyone to marry someone they are not attracted to just as I wouldn’t advise anyone marry someone they are not compatible with or that they do not love.
Don’t feel bad for not wanting to pursue the relationship with the woman you are not attracted to. If she has strong feelings for you and believes you are the only man for her imagine how hurt she would be when married to you and then realizing that you do not feel for her what she feels for you! You can’t fake those kinds of feelings. She would eventually figure it out. You would be doing her a great harm if that were to happen. With time her hurt will fade and she will be free to find another man that feels for her what she feels for him.
I’ve been with my husband for 14 years and married for 11 years. I love him, I like him, I am attracted to him and we are compatible. I think like, love, attraction, compatibility and commitment are necessary for a lifelong marriage. Never settle for less than those things.
I know we’re only allowed to have one “sexual orientation” but there are some theoretical ones that you could explore. Are you easily physically attracted to people? There are some people who only feel sexually attracted to someone after years of friendship, and there are some people who are just not meant to have a romantic attraction to anyone. (demi-sexual, asexual)
No, you are doing her a disservice by staying with her when you don’t want to. IF her vocation is to marry, than you are like, hiding her from her husband or something. Also you would be lying to her and not living as God made you to live. You may be called to marry someone else eventually or you may be called to a single life.
The only reason I’m kinda focusing on the latter is because you felt guilty about not being attracted to a woman. If you are easily attracted to women then obviously my post is silly and irrelevant, but if your real concern is, “wow this one had nothing wrong with her and I still didn’t feel it!” then consider there may be a different path for you or you might need to go about romance a different way from most people. But there is nothing wrong with you.