Is restraint positive or foolish?


I have married a woman who with we have the most blessed relationship in our own selves in prayer and relating.
However she has 4 children who are getting over their blood fathers’ attitude etc(not going into this).
the point is that the son 14yrs is on many occasions violent, heavy user of druggs, drink, won’t do anything, expects hand outs and every thing else.
In the past he picked up a table i made smashed it on the floor, I said and did nothing, but my being a wood worker in time I put it back together without his knowing.

The key, he said to his sister that he wished he had a way of fixing it for me. This was my first signs of a spark to work with, and so i started working with him as much as possible. he still desires druggs, drink, not to help out, to take where he can and to get abusive.

How many times does Jesus tell us to foregive? you all know.
Last night i told his friend who would not get out of our sons’ sisters room to leave for he has been band for two weeks from our property. I told him at least 4 times, in the end he started swearing at me, so i told him I would call the police if he didn’t leave. My wifes son screamed at me, jumped on the bonnet of my car pushed it in causing around $1500 of damage.
Once again forgiveness is the key, Jesus tells us.
I served the other boy a trespass notice and still have to remember that people are what God made to His likeness not cars.
At one time I felt like running away but knew that Jesus never did run away from these situations, so why should I. I believe in change through my allowing the spirit to change me to help others.

I found this prayer in our catholic magazine and it works and I pray it daily for these boys, even though I know satin wants me to weaken but I havent.
I thought you might like it, it has helped me with these situations and given me peace.

A petition Prayer
Mary our MotherO
***M***ost beautiful Flower of Carmel, ******F******ruit of the vine, Splendour of Heaven,
***B***lessed Mother of the son of God. Immaculate Virgin,
assist me in this my necessity.
O Star of the sea, help me and
show me you are my mother,
***O ***Holy Mary Mother of God, Queen of Heaven and earth.
***I ***humbly beseech you, from the bottom of my heart
to succour me in my necessity.
***T***here are none that can withstand your Power,
oh show me here you are my Mother.
Mary conceived without sin, pray for us
who have recourse to you. (3 times) Holy Mary
I place this course in your hands (3 times).
Thank you for your mercy towards me and my needs.

I felt compelled to pray the Rosary with this prayer not only at night or morning but when the spirit leads me ito it.


This is a very beautiful prayer. Thank you for sharing. God bless you for your patience and trust in Him. Sometimes our only hope is in God, even though we do not know how things are going to get better.


[quote="littleone, post:1, topic:177329"]
Is restraint positive or foolish?


Positive and wonderful! You sound like a wonderful person and I wish I had you as a friend. I am sure that leading by quiet example and by showing love to this young man you will win him over eventually-maybe not for many years, but eventually you will be the one he respects and looks up to and wishes he treated better!

I will hold you in prayer! God bless you and grant you strength and the grace you deserve for your conviction and faithfulness!



Forgiveness is great and the attitude Christ wants us to have toward those who harm us, but it is primarily about your interior attitude and your refusal to harbor resentment, bitterness and the same harmful emotions that are causing this child to self destruct. Don’t confuse forgiveness with condoning evil and with failure to do your duty as a husband and father to protect your family from harm, including the harm this boy is doing to himself. Forgiveness does not imply condoning evil, codependency, or passive acceptance of anti-social and dangerous behavior. Nor does it include the failure to make sure the boy gets the professional help he so desperately needs.


[/BIBLEDRB] I do it because God tell's me to in my Bible which is the book of LOVE [BIBLEDRB][/BIBLEDRB] .


I look solely at the way Jesus and St Therese (little flower) walked in the light of our Father in the little way of forgiveness at ALL times and accepting that I also am a sinner that gives me strength to take the cross of this (and other )children of this area who no persons seem to go into their past and offer assistance.
His mother and i have both shared that it is in forgiving those of the past that will give him back his humanity and manhood. So until, then I have to forgive how many times,
to love him how much,
to pray for him how much,
to not count the cost's how many times,
to be a friend in these pains he cannot even understand,
to assist (like fixing his bike) how many times (in showing love).
to have a listening ear at any time he is in need,
to be as Jesus was (is for me) a fool for those who don't seen to be able or care for their spiritual inner self.
The answer is ALLWAYS.
for love never gives up, it never says enough, it never says I haven't time, it never says youv'e had enough, for love lives by giving at all times for in love there is no NO TIME love lives solely by giving for in giving it receives allback for ever and when there seems to be nothing to give it seeks Love itself to gaiin more to give for it lives solely as LOVE. For God is LOVE, whom we are called to be like, to live like. That is why we say, and it is ONLY when Love takes over that we can say "I't's no longer I that livith, but Christ who livith in me. I could NEVER count the times Jesus did this for me I could never, and Jesus tells us to be like HIM.
So how could I ever say I have any amount of LOVE from God if I count the cost?
this does not deleite the times he may have to go to psychologists or maybe police. The times restraint by my wife and I in forming boundaries are taked.
But to love in all, at all times is the cure in for and of the spirit.


Be careful with this one: God does not want me to be a doormat.

That boy needs help! Yes, he needs love. But loving him does not mean letting him walk over you. He is learning. He needs guidance. He needs to learn respect. If he is having a problem involving drugs or alcohol he needs discipline and possibly professional help.

Make him pay you for the damage to the car. He has to be held accountable for his actions. Stop enabling the kid to do whatever he wants with no consequences.

Let me tell you about my neighbor. He has two children of his own, but about a dozen who call him dad. The others are troubled kids that he picked up along the way. I have talked to a couple of them. They told me that my neighbor changed their lives. They are totally indebted to the man. They visit frequently AND they are not the kind that only visit when they need something. They come because they love him and his wife. I asked my neighbor how he was able to help these kids. He said he did it the southern way. He hit them with sticks. LOL He was not kidding.



Yes, well, the good old days are behind us and we cannot beat children any longer. I was not suggesting that. My point was that discipline is a form of love.

The boy is only 14 years old. He smokes cigarettes, drinks and uses drugs. He does not go to school and does not work. At this rate, what does the future hold?

At his age - he does not get choices. He cannot refuse to go to school! He cannot smoke. He cannot drink. He cannot use drugs. It is up to you and his mother to save his life. This is very serious. Drastic measures are called for. No phone calls. No money. He is taken to school and picked up afterward and not left with a choice. No friends. He does chores around the house to pay off his debt for damaging the car.

Are you aware that his mother is responsible for his actions? If he damages someone’s property or injures another person, she can be held liable.

If you absolutely cannot control this child, it is your responsibility to put him somewhere where he will not be a threat to himself and others.

I know that you believe in prayer. Prayer is always the answer.


Now, what you seem to believe is how I see the equasion and from a biblical principle, spare the rod and spoil the child.
However he came from a broken home where the father was very violent the mother left in ruins with meals she made thrown at her as not good enough the children told they were useless not good, anything they did was no good or not good enough. The mother told to make a meal for the husbands friends who would turnup for tea and the husband not turn up but when the father returns the wife told in front of the children that she made this up to go to bed with the friends which was fabricated to give him something to again throw at her.
Then comes in me with exactly the opposit agender.
So we have not started from scratch with this I came in when he was 5 and then rebelous and no school would take him then and it goes on whether you are at the school or not.

I have not been able to do much since my wife held a strong relationship around the children and they thought that since I left my former marrage a long time ago i must be no good.
So another hurdle I have had to get over. But I am now in the situation where that is gone there is much unity between the girls and I youngest 20. So I have come a long way but it is not easy with this boy and if I should react to his hitting by holding him on the floor he has rung a sister and she has told the police who told me that it was a teenious situation just to watch it, because he told them he was the purpitrator. So I go on and on and will love regardless however as I mentioned one has been trespased to set boundaries, and the rest seem to be not so bad now and as i said the mother is NOT to give smokes (problem she is almost a chain smoker), and until this happened she told her children she would do every thing for the children they could find out how to do the things they needed when they left home. I disagreed and told her she was heading for trouble but when she found problems with the boy she told me she had given him over to me because she didn’t know how to relate to boys.
probabley gives a better picture to you know. I will still love and see this as a situation not too big for me to take and realise I have to relate to prayer and biblical understanding when ever i can to get through.
The rest is how i have told so fare.

God bless


Your step son is hurting.I don’t know if he has contact with his father or not but no matter how “bad” his dad was, he will still love him and feel hurt/rejected and insecure about his life and about his father.
You are doing what you think is right as step dad and the mother feels guilty and cant cope with the “acting out, cries of help” behaviour.This boy is crying out for attention and help.If you restrain him that could be misconstued by him and the police.More importantly by him.Imagine you are him,you have completely lost control of your emotions and someone tries to restain you,you are likely to react by wanting to lash out even more and MOST IMPORTANT you will be psychologically damaged.I can see you are trying to be a good step parent.Is there a parenting programme you and your wife can go on?They run classes over here in UK called Parentline Plus.My sister has been on the course.She is a single mother after divorce from abusive husband and has four emotionally damaged children.Talk to your priest also.
I will keep you all in my prayers


I am surprised that no one has responded with a similar view as mine. The posts thus far seem more like they are encouraging the OP to continue his mode of “restraint”. I think that this kind of response is an indication of why many of our young men and women act the way that do.

Psychologically damaged if someone tries to restrain the child???

The child needs restraint, along with discipline, a trip to confession, and a father figure who he can respect. A fourteen year old boy cannot be allowed to decide what kind of life he wants to lead. It is up to his parents, and in this case also the stepfather, to guide him and if necessary exercise control. The OP is presented with a great opportunity to help a child who desperately needs it.

I will pray that this kid gets what he needs.


In all, ALL situations I will LOVE for the choice for me is not mine but to do to others how Jesus has done for me. You could say I chose but no only God gives this kind of Love.

Jesus lived and lives, this is the only love I know. I studied psychology for 10 years and no where have i found the words of LIFE that Jesus gives. Jesus always loved NO MATTER what, Jesus tells us ALL that we should live as He lived.
I have decided to live that way, I have no control, this Love never suffercates it reaches out without my need to try and control it is the spirit of control, it has gone right through me makes me desire to see Jesus loved and through suffering if that should be.
I would have been a priest but that was not to be, so i follow the "little way" of spiritual childhood, in grace, peace, and forgiveness. How many times do we forgive?
When I love others seem to be drawn into the Love as well.I bought a guitar amplifier to hopefully teach this (and others) how to play the guitar and when i told the person I bought it from, why i wanted it he told me that he would bring it to me and take some of the price off as his contrabution. That seems to happen even when others do not know the situation.
This love seems to expand every time i love.
i know God is LOVE and we are to love as His children.

The other side of the coin

A person could tell another that they need counselling, yes, this boy needs counselling he went to see a psychologist three days ago she told his mother that she wanted to only see the child. the out come was that the boy was asked only if he had thought about taking his life, cutting himself, and had gotten violent. to these he said NO!!!!!!!
His mother was not invited to answer, to offer words at all? Where do yo go from here?

Love never says enough, it never says not now, it never says i havent the time. For LOVE is itself it lives by loving and is not of the flesh but of the spirit It is born of "The TRUTH" God is LOVE
"Only God is TRUTH, and we who are born of the spirit have to a little extent the "TRUTH"for God made us to His likeness.
"He is, I AM"



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