Is the marriage invalid or valid?


#21

We can’t decide this. Keeping secrets that would ruin the consent at the time the marriage was made can be grounds for annulment. However, that is something a tribunal would have to investigate. It’s not just black and white.

I… well, we don’t know the whole story, whether there’s been an affair, or anything along those lines. And you probably shouldn’t tell us those details, as they’re irrelevant to whether the marriage was valid at the time it was made. But if it’s just a matter of him experiencing SSA, he’s seeking help and committed to the marriage, and there are two kids in the picture… I can’t imagine trying to get out of it.

That’s more a gut impression. Again, I don’t know all the details, and I don’t need to know. If she feels the marriage wasn’t valid and can’t remain in it, that’s something that goes to a tribunal after she’s already separated and legally divorced.


#22

Well, is he attracted only to men or to both men and women?


#23

This is a very good question. If he is not attracted to women too, why did he get married and have two kids?

It shouldn’t matter if he is attracted to other men, other women, or anything else, as long as he was genuinely attracted to his wife.

I’m attracted to many women other than my wife. Does that mean our marriage is invalid?

However, I do agree that the wife should have been told. Though, maybe this is what the priest and spiritual director had discerned? That his bisexual attraction didn’t prohibit him from genuinely devoting to his wife.

Does every wife absolutely NEED to know if there are bisexual attractions in their spouse in order to confer a valid sacrament?


#24

Not exactly an irrelevant quote.

The husband had confronted and confessed the bisexual attraction to a priest and spiritual director. They apparently didn’t believe it was an impediment to marry. This means he must have still had attractions to his fiance.

It should not matter whether someone has attractions to other people, men or women, as long as they are making a vow to Marry their spouse with fidelity.

What happens after that vow, is what St Jerome is addressing.


#25

Probably that just because the Church presumes the marriage to be valid, does not mean it must be.


#26

Is it absolutely necessary to share bisexual attractions for the other spouse to properly consent?

It’s not lying for this husband to make his vows to this woman. He can be attracted to her and intend to be faithful to her, despite having attractions to other people.

Can a woman claim an invalid marriage to a heterosexual man because he has attraction to women other than herself?


#27

I think the wife’s reaction is very possibly influenced by grief and anger at this stage. I’d be pretty mad too if (depending on the particular circumstances) my husband “came out” to me after marriage, and revealed that he’d had these thoughts before we were married and chose deliberately to avoid telling me. I’d feel lied to and betrayed. I’d feel like I’d been cheated.

I don’t know why it had to come out now, but if something big happened, then add all of the emotion with that to what she’s already feeling. I don’t think fighting it with logic and reason and “well, you’re being unreasonable, honey” is a good practice. The husband has had years to live with this and sort it out, and has been pursuing whatever kind of treatment. The wife had it dumped on her recently. Give her a bit of time, and let her be upset about it, because it is upsetting.


#28

Being upset is one thing. Wanting out of the Marriage bond is another.


#29

You’ve never said things you don’t really mean, because in the heat of the moment you were really angry and hurt?

I’ve wanted out of my marriage before. For relatively mundane things. I’ve learned not to voice it because I know the feeling will pass and it’s just lashing out because I’m angry. But I’ve never felt a betrayal like this woman likely feels. Her husband can’t wag his finger at her and say, “Weeeeellllll, but you promised, so you’re stuck!” That is NOT going to be a long term solution. He really screwed up and is going to have to do a lot to show her that the marriage is worth fighting for.


#30

It sounds like he has remorse and sorrow about it. Yet, he also was willing to tell her about it, but the priest and SP advised not to.

Be upset at them. Love him


#31

Yes, if the assertion is that, had she known, that would have determined her decision not to marry him.

Of course, she can’t just say it now. In order to prove it to the tribunal, she’d need supporting evidence.


#32

If he didn’t disclose this to her and wasn’t sure if he had truly overcome 100% completely his SSA then I do think the marriage was entered into with dishonesty but that is just my opinion.


#33

That’s ridiculous


#34

I don’t believe one overcomes an attraction.


#35

I do believe it is possible with prayer, the proper help and a true will to do so. Not easy but possible.


#36

Sad reading through this thread, I have SSA myself. Not sure what my path is but I would never withhold that from a potential spouse. Not sure why his spiritual director advised him not to say anything. Though just because one has SSA it doesn’t mean they can’t be attracted to the opposite sex as well. I don’t feel anything sexually towards women. They’ve had 2 children together so far so something is working right.


#37

Given that we constantly have people on this forum telling others to keep certain aspects of their sexual behavior (cheated once, or fooled around with a person of same sex once before marriage) private and not tell their spouses, I am not surprised.

In some cases, people have posted claiming that priests told them not to tell their spouse about an affair.

It boggles my mind too.


#38

I’d say yes. I would want to know in advance. I would also tell my future spouse if I had any bisexual attractions. Which, actually, I did have, and did tell him about. Never acted on them, but they were there.

Besides, getting it all out on the table before marriage means you’re not dealing with it 10 or 20 years down the line. Why wouldn’t you want to just get it all out?


#39

Yes because anything done in the dark (secret) always comes out in the light, one way or another.


#40

I always figured if I just told my husband everything, then he wouldn’t ever be getting a gossip letter or blackmail letter from anyone. Or if I was subpoenaed to testify on the stand, there would be no surprises.

I didn’t get married so I could hide stuff from my spouse. I specifically wanted a spouse who would love me no matter what. That includes loving me even when I tell him the weird or flawed stuff about me.


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