Since a very young age (about 7) I've wanted to enter the Carmel. I've gone through phases of really wanting to explore it.
I'm now 45 and have gone through three years of loss of faith - most because of the scandals in the Church - only to return with an even stronger faith. Again, I feel that all I want is to be as close to God as possible. I've had relationships. I have no children. I'm not lonely. I love my friends but I love my contemplative time more. I attend Mass each day and pray either morning or evening. Every day I make a point of helping someone. I live in London so not so hard to do as this city lacks compassion and it's certainly Godless.
My quandry is that I feel I have a dark side. I get annoyed and think terrible thoughts about people sometimes. Also when I pray for people who upset me I don't feel it's very effective because I still really don't like them even though I'm asking God to help them. I don't expect the person to be different with me. I just want them to feel better in themselves. At the same time, I'm thinking but this guy is such a jerk.
I'd like to go on retreat to possibly find some answers.I really want to conquer these negative thoughts.
I guess what I'm asking you is do you have any opinions on people who love and want to serve God but are less than "saintly" themselves?