Is there any hope?


#1

DH and I were married July of 08. Since then we have had one heck of a roller coaster marriage. We were separated twice before our first year of marriage was over. As a matter of fact we spent our one year anniversary in different states.

After he came back I immediately got pregnant. Sadly it ended in a terrible miscarriage. I suffered (and probably still do) PPD. It’s been un-medicated. On top of that my female hormones were… lacking. Well… because of all this I wasn’t the best wife.

I have let so much get to me. I was a very violent person. Throwing things, hitting, kicking, yelling, calling names. I would even do it in public. :frowning: I know that it was wrong, and that yes, it is abuse. I’m trying like heck to change. I’m in counseling, and i’m on medication.

Recently DH and I got into an altercation. He didn’t want me to leave, but i was bound and determined. I ended up re injuring my wrist. I went to the Dr and they called the police. Now DH is being charged with false imprisonment.

I didn’t want this. And DH obviously didn’t either.

All I really want is to come home. I am really truly sorry for what I did. I know there is no way to go back and erase what happened but believe me, if given the chance I would. DH has been tolerant of me being at home when I am there. For the most part however, he is very angry and resentful.

He told me last night that he is unhappy, and depressed. However he refuses to get help. He said I deserve someone who treats me better. :eek: Shouldn’t I be the one saying that to him? He also told me that my relationship with a former ex was better then what we have. And to some degree he is right. We never got physical with each other. However, obviously it wasn’t meant to be because… HELLO I MARRIED DH!!!

I really don’t want a divorce. We are in marriage counseling, sort of. We haven’t gone yet. Our first appointment is next week. DH was talking about seeing if our marriage was even valid. Whenever I tell him that I don’t care how long it takes to get things situated, I married him “to death do us part” not “till whenever do us part” He popped off with the comment of “i’m not catholic so that doesn’t pertain to me” It of course doesn’t help that the only person around us that is telling him to stick with it and work things out is our neighbor and my personal friend of 12 years.

I’m honestly not sure if i’m asking for prayers, or advice. Prayers would be greatly appreciated. But I honestly don’t know what to do. Do I give up? Do I stick with it? Is there hope?


#2

[quote="Willsfirecracke, post:1, topic:212946"]
DH and I were married July of 08. Since then we have had one heck of a roller coaster marriage. We were separated twice before our first year of marriage was over. As a matter of fact we spent our one year anniversary in different states.

After he came back I immediately got pregnant. Sadly it ended in a terrible miscarriage. I suffered (and probably still do) PPD. It's been un-medicated. On top of that my female hormones were.... lacking. Well... because of all this I wasn't the best wife.

I have let so much get to me. I was a very violent person. Throwing things, hitting, kicking, yelling, calling names. I would even do it in public. :( I know that it was wrong, and that yes, it is abuse. I'm trying like heck to change. I'm in counseling, and i'm on medication.

Recently DH and I got into an altercation. He didn't want me to leave, but i was bound and determined. I ended up re injuring my wrist. I went to the Dr and they called the police. Now DH is being charged with false imprisonment.

I didn't want this. And DH obviously didn't either.

All I really want is to come home. I am really truly sorry for what I did. I know there is no way to go back and erase what happened but believe me, if given the chance I would. DH has been tolerant of me being at home when I am there. For the most part however, he is very angry and resentful.

He told me last night that he is unhappy, and depressed. However he refuses to get help. He said I deserve someone who treats me better. :eek: Shouldn't I be the one saying that to him? He also told me that my relationship with a former ex was better then what we have. And to some degree he is right. We never got physical with each other. However, obviously it wasn't meant to be because... HELLO I MARRIED DH!!!

I really don't want a divorce. We are in marriage counseling, sort of. We haven't gone yet. Our first appointment is next week. DH was talking about seeing if our marriage was even valid. Whenever I tell him that I don't care how long it takes to get things situated, I married him "to death do us part" not "till whenever do us part" He popped off with the comment of "i'm not catholic so that doesn't pertain to me" It of course doesn't help that the only person around us that is telling him to stick with it and work things out is our neighbor and my personal friend of 12 years.

I'm honestly not sure if i'm asking for prayers, or advice. Prayers would be greatly appreciated. But I honestly don't know what to do. Do I give up? Do I stick with it? Is there hope?

[/quote]

Hope always comes in the form of placing your trust in God - not yourself or your husband. You might consider a 12 step program (eg. Alanon) to give you some structure in finding serenity amidst what you currently perceive as Chaos. God uses ALL events of our lives to call us to new seeing and new hearing....pray only for knowledge of God's will and the courage to act on it.


#3

Living in Love will get you where you need to be. It is a weekend retreat that will get you and your spouse back to what you each really want from your marriage. My wife and I went through the program last fall - we volunteered to help out with the program thatr our parish offered this last weekend 9/11-12/2010. It is a course developed by a couple and their Priest- it teaches you how to communicate with one another- female -words- male physically.


#4

No. :hug1:

Yes. :heart:

Absolutely. :signofcross:


#5

Oh honey, my prayers are with you. Hang in there.... this is ALWAYS hope with God.


#6

I would hesitate to make any permanent decisions before you begin counseling. Counseling has helped many people, so to give up prior to beginning that help seems to be setting yourself, and your marriage, up for failure.

Would you find it helpful to not only go to couple's counseling to work on your marraige, but also anger management counseling for yourself? I can't speak to what your DH may also need but perhaps there's some individual type of help that he may benefit from. His depression and thinking that you'd be better off with someone else mahy stem from thinking that the marriage is failing and not what he really thinks.

Many prayers for you and your DH.


#7

My sister,

Please give your counseling a chance. . . don't give up. Pray about this! I will pray for you both in hopes that you can see God's will for you. That is who you must listen to. There is always hope with Him.

Pax


#8

I never thought about Alanon or anything like that. It’s a good thought tho. I will have to look into that thank you.

I have an appointment for individual counseling for myself next week to. It’s a few days before our couple’s counseling. He absolutely refused individual counseling. I’m not sure if that was because he was just angry at the time that we were discussing it or not.

Thank you all for the prayers. I really appreciate it. I’m trying really hard not to give up. I’m praying constantly for clarity and that whatever DH does he is safe. I really worry about him because I know that his new “friends” aren’t the greatest. :frowning:


#9

I am sure you will find counselling helpful.

One thing you will learn are the rules of fighting. Here are some I find useful:
When you're angry at someone,
1. never call names
2. never throw things, hit anyone, or threaten to.
3. never bring up other extraneous subjects (like what they did before that you disliked),
4. state the problem,
5. state the solution you want, and what you want the person to do,
6. state what you will do if they don't honor your request.
7. give the other person a chance to answer, or time to think about it if necessary.
8. always be respectful.

Example: honey, when you leave dirty dishes in the sink for me to wash when I get home from work, I feel disrespected. I would like you to wash your dishes yourself. I will not wash them for you. I think that is fair.


#10

your husband is right to question the validity of your marriage. but he's not the guy to amke the determination. if you were married in the church, the church decides, if you werent, your marriage is probably not valid unless you received a dispensation. my guess, though, is you received neither dispensation nor decent marriage preparation.

none of us can determine how deep are your separate and combined depressions, violent tendencies, unhappiness etc.

but WillacerFC, what IS striking me is the sheer*** chaos*** of your description. that all of this has transpired in less than three years is hardly a rollercoaster, it's more accurately called bedlam.

and that bedlam offers clues to the one thing you can controll. your self discipline.

here is what i strongly suggest-- you embark on the 2 year plan.

you commit to counseling for 2 years, same counselor (unless s/he moves away or dies) -- no storming off in a huff, no dramatic departures.
2 years at the same job (unless they choose to terminate you) work your hours, take your pay. show up on time. just do the daily grind
2 years committed to a prayer discipline-- dont make it up yourself. ask your priest or a spiritual advisor to outline a prayer discipline and follow it every day to the last syllable.
plant to do the 2 year marriage counseling plan, too, and only quit if your husband walks away from it.
dont move (unless you're evicted) dont change a thing unless you're in some obvious danger. just do the daily, disciplined grind.

controll what you can: your own self discipline. and let everything you cant controll land where it may. (that everything else in the whole world, including your husband)

if you do this, you'll begin to marvel how at just many dramatic obstacles will rise up to waylay you from your plan.

self discipline is the ONLY thing that will extract you from churning in the whirlpool of chaos. and self discipline takes a LONG time. it gets boring. it gets tedious. you will dislike how uneventful it can become.

but i swear to you, WillacerFC, Boring, Tedious, and Uneventful are good for you. make friends with them..

by working on yourself, you'll be working on your marriage-- a marriage that is simply roiling in pandemonium-- you'll be stablizing a huge important facor in your marriage: yourself.


#11

[quote="Willsfirecracke, post:8, topic:212946"]
I have an appointment for individual counseling for myself next week to. It's a few days before our couple's counseling. He absolutely refused individual counseling. I'm not sure if that was because he was just angry at the time that we were discussing it or not.

[/quote]

Nothing says he can't change his mind! Maybe when he sees how dedicated you are to counseling and making your marriage work he'll change his mind and look more into counseling himself.

Good luck!


#12

I'm not going to give a very long reply because I think it would get too personal. My mom is a very violent, angry person and I grew up in a house where things got thrown and things got screamed nearly every weekend, holiday, birthday, etc. I no longer have a relationship with my mom because her drama was/is bad for my marriage and my DD...and myself.

I DO believe that my mom could/can change but she refuses to. She refuses to admit the tantrums are her responsibility. Every marriage is going to have arguments. But tantrums are not normal. She tried counseling for awhile, but left in a huff, hasn't been back and things are still horrible for my younger brothers and sisters.

Good for you for seeking individual counseling. And I'm glad the two of you will be going to marriage counseling too. You can't control your DH's behavior, but you can control yours. I think Monicatholic gave you good advice.

With all the stuff my mom has put me through, I still love her and if I saw her honestly working on herself, I'd give her another chance. I don't know your DH but a lot can be forgiven when there is love and hard work.

I DO believe there is hope, Wills. I DO believe you can change the destructive behavior. I DO believe that counseling will be good for you and your marriage. I'll be praying for you...

KG


#13

Thank you for all your replies and prayers.

I went to my first counseling session yesterday. It was very hard and a huge step in the right direction. I feel so much better after going.

Unfortunately, DH talked to his attorney yesterday and she told him that contacting me at this time is very unwise. So until this whole things gets dealt with there isn't going to be marriage counseling. I can't see him and I can't talk to him. :crying:

I'm still continuing to go to individual counseling. And DH said he will go to individual counseling as well.


#14

[quote="Willsfirecracke, post:13, topic:212946"]
Unfortunately, DH talked to his attorney yesterday and she told him that contacting me at this time is very unwise. So until this whole things gets dealt with there isn't going to be marriage counseling. I can't see him and I can't talk to him. :crying:

[/quote]

:(

Prayers, Hon. :console:


#15

I'm so sorry to hear that. Hopefully, this legal situation will sort itself out soon so the two of you can come back together and begin working on your marriage together. Keep up the counseling sessions. I can only imagine how hard they must be, but I believe that in the long run they really will be helpful.


#16

Trust me from someone who is facing divorce and anullment before the two year mark because one party entered the marriage with no love in his heart for the other and all the other chaos that could ensue- if you truly love each other - committ to the counseling and see if you can make this work by renewing your individual faith in Him. Also may I also politely recommend that while you are going through this period you may have a grave reason for using NFP not to conceive - until the bedlam calms down for a long period of time - bringing a child into it would be cruel. God bless you both.


#17

[quote="joandarc2008, post:16, topic:212946"]
Trust me from someone who is facing divorce and anullment before the two year mark because one party entered the marriage with no love in his heart for the other and all the other chaos that could ensue- if you truly love each other - committ to the counseling and see if you can make this work by renewing your individual faith in Him. Also may I also politely recommend that while you are going through this period you may have a grave reason for using NFP not to conceive - until the bedlam calms down for a long period of time - bringing a child into it would be cruel. God bless you both.

[/quote]

I appreciate the recommendation, however we aren't under the same roof, can't talk to each other, see each other and I have hormone problems that make conceiving extremely hard. I'm not sure if I have said this in previous posts or not, but part of my personal issues was how much effort and stress was caused from our miscarriage a year ago, and then trying again. My infertility caused a great strain on our marriage because I let it get to me so much.

I am well aware of the cruelness of bringing up a child in that kind of an environment. I was the one child that was willing to step between my mom and dad while they were attacking each other. It's not that much of a shock that I have ended up where I am now because of what I have come from. I refuse to bring my children up in that.


#18

[quote="Willsfirecracke, post:17, topic:212946"]
I appreciate the recommendation, however we aren't under the same roof, can't talk to each other, see each other and I have hormone problems that make conceiving extremely hard. I'm not sure if I have said this in previous posts or not, but part of my personal issues was how much effort and stress was caused from our miscarriage a year ago, and then trying again. My infertility caused a great strain on our marriage because I let it get to me so much.

I am well aware of the cruelness of bringing up a child in that kind of an environment. I was the one child that was willing to step between my mom and dad while they were attacking each other. It's not that much of a shock that I have ended up where I am now because of what I have come from. I refuse to bring my children up in that.

[/quote]

I am so sorry for your pain - - I will pray for you as I hope that you can keep your marraige together as I do believe that you want to work things out. May God bless you and keep your child with Him and His love.


#19

Well, we got the "ok" to go to counseling. I felt vulnerable and choked up. But.... we went... :thumbsup: We had some progress apparently because DH actually turned the truck around when he was taking me back my dad's and instead, bought me ice cream and took me home.

Thank you all for your prayers.


#20

[quote="Willsfirecracke, post:19, topic:212946"]
Well, we got the "ok" to go to counseling. I felt vulnerable and choked up. But.... we went... :thumbsup: We had some progress apparently because DH actually turned the truck around when he was taking me back my dad's and instead, bought me ice cream and took me home.

Thank you all for your prayers.

[/quote]

:love:

So good!!!! Yay for going home. :signofcross:


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