Haven’t looked at or posted here in a while. Tended to be a downer more than helpful, but here goes.
Is there grace in persevering every day, trying to do the right things, be the right person and husband and father, but feeling I’m failing miserably? Does “God give points for trying”?
I live life going day-by-day, no real passion or drive for much of anything, including family; not feeling the love in my heart as I should or used to years ago, even for or especially for my wife, which I know hurts her and does me, too; my feelings of intimacy are about zero, though she tries every day. Spiritually, I’m “just there”; have a hard time praying, and this time of year always is a downer for me as it is.
There is no passion for my job/work (I’m one of those who used to be his job); I gave up doing what I wanted to years ago because I thought it was what God wanted and my family needed, and I see or feel there is absolutely nothing to replace that. There is nothing to look forward to for the future. I keep asking God for a reason or if life is supposed to be this empty, but there has been no answer. I thought He was leading me to the Diaconate, which would have answered many past questions of why things happened as they did, but was not selected; so be it.
We struggle wih physical intimacy. I couldn’t really care less if we make love; I do because she is my wife and it is my duty as her husband, but it is neither physically nor emotionally satisfying or connecting. My head tells me I should want to, my heart and body have difficulty. We have followed NFP for years, and though we have for a number of years followed church teachings on sex, we did not always. I am split terribly on the whole Theology of the Body thing and do not agree with it, especially as it takes a toll on our intimacy, I feel. But my wife follows it, so there we are.
We have differed on raising teenagers, which causes strife. Issues with my son have split us as a family as well as husband and wife. It continues to this day as we try to keep one on track. I am struggling once again not to just put him out of the house once more, but it does not seem to fit well with the story of the prodigal son, but then, how much is enough when I feel the family and my wife and I are paying the price?
I keep trying to figure out why I feel, or don’t feel, like I do or should or used to. I resent my wife as I feel I have given up my career, our sex life and intimacy, my better judgement on raising kids and making decisions, and other things. I resent my son for the problems he has caused and continues to cause. I resent church teachings and even God sometimes, but also know that I have no choice but to continue pushing ahead each day, but with no hope of change or just no hope of anything being better, even with my wife whom God gave me. She deserves better than this. I feel I have given up being who I am or even being a man, no pride, no confidence, don’t know why she loves me. I am tired of this life and feel empty and prayer does not or has not helped. I try to pray that, God willing, I am not condemned to hell and can one day can ask Him “Why?” but fear I will stand accused of being one of “the lukewarm”.
And so, is there grace in persevering and failing and persevering? Does “God give points for trying”?