Is there life after separation / divorce? Please help!


#1

Hello,
I’m new at this website, so I hope this works OK.
I need your help/suggestions/prayers. After 20 years of marriage, I’m contemplating separating from my husband. For the last few years, our marriage has been in trouble. I think we’re together only because we have a 6 years old son. A few years ago, my husband basically moved out of our bedroom. Since then, he barely talks to me. However, we continue being a family for everything else. We even go to Church together every Sunday. When we socialize, everything seems to be normal…but it’s not.
I learned to live like that and got comfortable. I never pressed the issue, because keeping the status quo was easier than fighting. He always blames me for spoiling our relationship. He is a wonderful person to everybody else. He’s always helping people. I think his main complain is that I’m not a good housewife. However, I think at this point, everything about me irritates him.
I was willing to stay in the marriage for our son.
Recently, I’m suspecting he’s seeing someone else. I know that confronting him about it would mean the end of our marriage. And, emotionally, I’m not ready for that. I’m seeing a therapist and also taking anti-depression drugs. Getting ready for the big moment, I guess. So my question is, can I have a good life after divorce? I’m really scared!
Also, do any of you know of any support group I can contact? I live in Southern Maryland.
Thanks for your time and please pray for me…


#2

As Catholics, as Christians, marriage is forever - not until one of us gets mad and moves to another bedroom.

You owe it to God and to your son to stay married and work through your problems. See a Catholic counselor who will understand the marriage vows.

Find Retrouvaille in your area retrouvaille.org/


#3

I agree that marriage is forever. Those were my vows and I’m honoring them. My fear is that he will walk out. That’s why I want to be ready. I have a 6 years old that depends on me and that scares me.
I’m seeing a Catholic counselor that my Priest recommended. She agrees that I should be ready for the possibility that he leaves, for the sake of my kid. We’re looking at ways to save the marriage, but it is tough if one of the sides doesn’t even talk…


#4

I don’t mean to be blunt, but I think you really need to ask yourself…Would your son rather be from a broken home or in one? If your forcing yourself to stay in an unhappy situation you are robbing your son of a spiritually whole and healthy mom. My mother and stepfather recently seperated after 17 years together and she is the happiest and most peaceful she’s ever been, and as mean as it probably sounds, I sometimes feel bitter that they didn’t realize how unhappy they were and do what they did sooner. If they had, maybe my brother and I would’ve been spared some of the terrible things we had to endure in our childhood and I wouldn’t be seeing 3 different mental health proffesionals and getting treated for PTSD.

Hear me when I say, you are not helping you son by forcing yourself to be unhappy, that is just a fact.

That being said, it is in your best interests to do everything possible to save your marriage and work through your problems first before resorting to seperation. That way if you or he ends up leaving, you will at least have the peace of mind of knowing you tried and won’t be left second guessing.


#5

Have you both tried Retrouvaille? Of course, if he is seeing someone, it may not help because both of you have to be committed to repairing your marriage in order for it to work. It doesn’t sound like he is trying hard at all to improve things.

How are you financially? Do you have a credit card in your own name? I would suggest getting one that isn’t affiliated with your husband. Establishing a good credit rating is so important, especially if you might be forced to launch out on your own. Start socking away money into your own bank account so he doesn’t leave you destitute. If your gut feeling is telling you he might leave, listen to it. It is probably right.

My marriage broke down about three years ago, and my husband left. He didn’t want to behave as a married person should, and admitted he never should have married in the first place (that statement really helped when I was going through the annulment process).

I am alone with my three kids, but have a good social network of friends in similar circtumstances, that I met through my church. I am still waiting for the final word on my annulment, and haven’t dated anyone. I might never date, either, because I don’t know if I ever want to re-marry at this point. I am mostly happy, and content to follow my interests and raise my children in a conflict-free household.

Some churches do have pastoral services for separating and divorcing Catholics. See if there are such programs in your diocese. Such a program was a saving grace for me when my marriage was falling apart. My prayers are with you. It is not easy, but know that you can survive this, and that you are not alone. Prayer really really helped me.


#6

Thanks for your kind words and great advice. Luckily, I think I can manage financially. I have credit on my name. It’s the loneliness and the “Where’s daddy?” questions that I’m afraid of.
But seeing that other people have gone through it, and can actually find happiness, gives me comfort.


#7

You know you can work through this. It will be very hard work and and alot of pain but my belief is that you can work through it. Don’t leave, you have to give him that chance even if you think he planning on leaving. And yes even after he has left. He may come to realise his mistakes and both of you and your child will be better for it.

I’m a divorced catholic the last thing I wanted was a divorce here I am five years after my wife left and I’ve really given her every oportunity to come back and its probably not going to happen but you have to fight it out right to the end. Because marriage is forever and people can change.I’m at the point of possible annulment now but I don’t regret giving it every opportunity to work.

As has been suggested above try Retrouvaille try anything and everything don’t ever give up.

prayers for you

:blessyou:


#8

Stay in counceling and work with your therapist to find the right moment to confront your husband with your suspicions of his infidelity. You need all the facts and you need to try EVERYTHING before you leave him for good. Of course there is life after seperation and divorce. You will be able to pull it together and move on, but it will take time, lots of time, and be very painful. Just don't let your son get lost, or used, in all this; he deserves to have both parents, even if you don't live together anymore.


#9

What on earth does that mean? He thinks you don’t cook well?

Do you think you have grounds for an annulment, you should discuss that with a priest who understands the annulment process. It seems very strange for a man to react that way to his wife because she is a bad housewife.

Do you think it’s possible that he was cheating from the start? Maybe that would be grounds for annulment. It just doesn’t connect that a man would stop sleeping in the same bed as his wife over domestic chores.


#10

I will most definately pray for you. This is a difficult time and those who can be there for you in prayer are the people you most need and will help you.

You are and will be in my prayers. :crossrc:
mlz


#11

Hello, I was really taken by your post. i am 44 years old and have been 11 1/2 years to someone who says the same about me. I work fulltime and he expects me to doo everything, cooking and cleaning and taking care of our 10 year old when it comes to putting him to bed, doing homework and getting up during the middle of the night when he is sick.
Hubby works shift work and often has 2-3 days off and he never gets lunch made for the little guy, but he does drive to and from school but never has dinner planned or started. its a womans job.
| also have suspicions about someone else and my husband is a good liar. I have come to this website for prayers and there are alot of caring people but nothing seems to get better. have spoken with a counsellor and that was the biggest bunch of bull…I sent her an email with sensitive information in october of last year, she went on mat leave and shedidnt respond until january with “do you need an appointment”? one would think a marriage counsellor woukld have had an Out of office reply. I had no idea she was away on leave and I felt jolted and let down. Also have spoken with a priest but really they have no idea how to save a marriage…he was nice to talk to but again i had little hope. A year later nothing has changed, hubby is nasty and rude and loves to call me every name in the book. my only suggestionn is to pray hard and ask everyone else on this forum to do the same and maybe God will listen and make things better. Unfortunately I feel very deserted by God as well. I will pray that life turns to a happy marriage for you.


#12

Do you do all the housework? If you let someone walk all over you, they will. Maybe it’s time for you to completely stop taking care of his needs and just make sure there’s food for you and your son. Are there consequences for your husband when he talks down to you?

It’s unfortunate, but you have to train some people like animals.


#13

It’s unfortunate, but you have to train some people like animals.

Flying Fish: I couldnt have said it any better. My 1 year old kitty is easier to train…:thumbsup:


#14

In all fairness to my husband, the problem is not that he doesn’t do anything around the house…it’s just the opposite. He doesn’t stop working. We both have full time jobs, and when we get home he always find stuff to do around the house. If I sit down for a few minutes after cooking, doing homework with my son, etc, he says that I’m wasting time and there are many things that need to get done. People tell me I’m so lucky because he’s that way, but (believe me) you can have too much of a good thing.
There are other issues. His dad was abusive to him, his siblings and his mother. So he carries a lot of anger inside. He never forgot his father and hasn’t spoken to him in 15 years. His only way to channel this is by working, working, working.
So the problem is that his standard is so super high, that there’s no way I’ll ever meet it.
My priest said that I should see his condition as an illness probably caused by his problems at home and try to deal with it. Which is fine, but the difficult part is that sometimes I believe my husband doesn’t even like me. I keep praying that things may change, but so far no luck…
Also, he’s a wonderful father. And a great person who’s always helping everybody else. He treats most people wonderfully, except me (and his dad). I think he blames us for his problems in life.
Sorry for the rambling… And thanks for your help and prayers.


#15

My husband is ex-military (he was in for maybe 8 years) and by no means is he a perfectness. His family is wonderful and loving and he, nor his sister can do no wrong. It is everybody else…my husband might throw in a load of laundry on his day off which consists mainly of his work clothes and then he will dry it and fold it and leave it on the bed for ME too put away.
He criticizes everything I do, and he cant stand if I sit down and relax…only he can do this, because he works hard (he is a guard).
Anything I make for supper, yah its okay…its bland…he hates me too. maybe you cn PM and perhaps we can email privately.


#16

[quote="roxcris, post:14, topic:176784"]
In all fairness to my husband, the problem is not that he doesn't do anything around the house...it's just the opposite. He doesn't stop working. We both have full time jobs, and when we get home he always find stuff to do around the house. If I sit down for a few minutes after cooking, doing homework with my son, etc, he says that I'm wasting time and there are many things that need to get done. People tell me I'm so lucky because he's that way, but (believe me) you can have too much of a good thing.
There are other issues. His dad was abusive to him, his siblings and his mother. So he carries a lot of anger inside. He never forgot his father and hasn't spoken to him in 15 years. His only way to channel this is by working, working, working.So the problem is that his standard is so super high, that there's no way I'll ever meet it.
My priest said that I should see his condition as an illness probably caused by his problems at home and try to deal with it. Which is fine, but the difficult part is that sometimes I believe my husband doesn't even like me. I keep praying that things may change, but so far no luck...
Also, he's a wonderful father. And a great person who's always helping everybody else. He treats most people wonderfully, except me (and his dad). I think he blames us for his problems in life.
Sorry for the rambling.......... And thanks for your help and prayers.

[/quote]

I am sorry that you are going through this and I will offer prayers for you like so many others. The bolded part above, I think, is the root of this problem. He cannot give you what he does not have. He cannot properly love you when he is not even sure of what love is, not sure that he loves himself. This is something that he has to work through so that he can give of himself totally to you.


#17

Welcome to marriage. Who ever said that one is going to like their spouse every single moment of every single day of every single year? A healthy relationship is one where both parties realize that “like” is something that may come and go, bottom line is you stick with it because of commitment and the vow you made before God - when you don’t love them, when you don’t like them, and even when you DO backflips over them.

Removed divorce from your vocabulary.


#18

I will be praying for you.

Sarah
Consultant/Broker
One Source Benefits
Do you live in Ohio? Want to save money on health insurance? Click here!
Do you live in Kentucky? Want to save money on health insurance? Click here!


#19

*Hello;

Just wanted to chime in. I think that when a marriage has hit a tough spot like this, to not do anything and hope things will change, they won't. Your husband and you could probably benefit from counseling--there are great Catholic counselors out there, who might be able to help you both get to the source of the tension that your husband has developed. Imagine driving your car and you suddenly get a flat tire...would you keep driving on it, forever? You wouldn't get far. lol Same with marriage. Your marriage has a flat tire (sorry, no better analogy to compare right now:blush:) and it needs to be repaired. Cars can't function with no or little maintenance, neither can marriages.

People do sometimes take the marriage vows lightly, but the vows are not a license for someone to treat you with no respect, or like you're invisible. For better or for worse, it doesn't mean...you should tolerate a bad situation. You both have to work on fixing it...getting to why it got to where it did...and seeing what the solutions are. Your husband needs to want to work on this, with you. He might be angry with you, but he has to face that and stop shutting you out. That is the only way your marriage will get better...if you're both changing the flat tire. :o You can't change it on your own.

Prayers for things to get better for you both. :gopray:

PS--I was separated before...years ago...and our marriage ended up better for it. I wouldn't advocate separating though, because couples can get used to living apart, and not want to work on the problems. So, while we were separated for a time, I don't recommend it, UNLESS there is abuse, or you fear for your safety. Then, it would seem obligatory.*


#20

PS--
If you do suspect him of seeing someone else, you should discuss it...don't be afraid. Your husband's signals have been mixed, and that's putting it mildly. He stopped sleeping in the same room with you, and finding fault with a lot of what you do...those are often signs that there is soemone else--BUT NOT ALWAYS. He might have something else going on with him...but, don't be afraid to confront your husband. Is he absent from home a lot? Do you get the sense he is telling you he is going to a particular place, but he really isn't? What makes you suspect he might be seeing someone else?


DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.