Issue with Daughter figure


#1

Hello, I know i have posted in a while, apologies.

My best friends daughter, Abby, is like a daughter, or at least a very close niece to me. We were close all of her youth as her mother and father were both shift workers, so she was at my house many afternoons and at least one night a week. She is a lovely girl, perhaps a little spoilt (She is an only child, after all) but well loved by everyone around her and has a healthy relationship with both of her parents.

She moved away to college and further education 9 years ago and attained a degree in Microbiology. She then travelled for a bit and has finally settled down in New York (She is 28 this year, I believe) She is now rather succesful and came home to visit us this summer.

And what a surprise she brought with her.

It appears she has found a life partner in another woman named Shelby. They live together in New York and have planned their civil ceremony. The sad thing is, despite the churches teachings, which i do hold dear, i really do, i can't find fault in their relationship.

Shelby is a highschool teacher from an English family, and has manners and grace so uncommon in this time and place. She was absolutely delightful to talk to, and not at all standoffish or any of the other things you'd expect of a lesbian in an openly Catholic home. Abby, too is a very accomplished young lady, and confided in me that she only kept it a secret so long (apparently she has known she was gay since she was 12 or so and has been with Shelby since she was 24) because she knew it made me uncomfortable. It makes sense, she has never shown interest in men, but i always thought she was just being unduly modest.

Honestly, I don't know how to react. On the one hand i've always been taught it was wrong to be in a relationship with a person of the same sex, and on the other hand, these 2 women honestly seem to respect eachother, love eachother and make eachother honestly, lastingly (and not just fleetingly) happy.

What should I do? How should I react? Abby's Mum and Dad are aware with it, and while it took them time to adjust, they are quite relaxed about it and accepting.

God Bless,
Leanne


#2

I'm just curious if Abby or Shelby are Catholic?

Not that it would make much difference to how I'd react. I'd continue to love Abby as I had her entire life.. pray for her & Shelby - especially if they are not Christians - and leave it at that.

I would not attend their civil ceremony. I wouldn't make a big deal about it - she obviously knows how you feel because she kept that part of her life secret from you for that very reason. I'd just politely decline. What you were taught is correct. Although they seem very loving & happy - their physical relationship is wrong.

If she asks, I would be completely honest with my feelings. I'd tell her how much I loved her and how lovely and impressed I was by Shelby as a person - but that as a Catholic, I cannot support their union - and that makes me feel very torn because I love her, and would no doubt come to love Shelby very much as well - but my faith must come first. I would tell her that I do not judge her - and I want her to be happy, but I also know that there is no true happiness apart from God so I'm praying for her & Shelby both - and I wish them well.

I would continue to be very loving & kind toward them both whenever I saw them.

It's a tough situation. My prayers are with you that you are able to deal with this in a loving manner that does not compromise your faith - no easy thing to do, I know.

God bless you.


#3

one of the biggest gifts my "partner"and I received was her parents making no bones about their belief that our relationship was "wrong". But with God's grace, they were able to love us both. In time, their example of love( especially her dad's) served to teach me to appreciate God's love for me as Father.

In a little more time, being able to receive God's love in an even deeper way led us BOTH to repent. We now are living chaste in accordance to church teaching and with our Pastor and Archbishops' prayerful support.

Her parents are her parents because God chose them to be. They embraced His call to be parents and they didn't stop with their own blood. By their consent to accept me(not my behavior) as their kid, they allowed God to continue His work in me.

Maybe God needs parents who are faithful to His word- maybe He chose you especially for this young woman and the one she's bringing along.

Loving doesn't mean denying your faith or the truths you know to be real.


#4

I have a unique situation. My mother is a lesbian as is one of my cousins. Also, a friend of our family, since I can remember is gay.

It's hard because Leviticus 20:13 makes it pretty clear:

If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall be put to death, their blood is upon them.

So it's pretty clear on what God says about it. Since I love my relatives so much it really hurts to know that they may go to hell for it.

However, I don't see any reason I have to dislike them or shun them. I could not attend a "wedding" but I love them all the same and treat them like I would my other relatives.

I also don't think it's my place to judge them:

Romans 14:10
But thou, why judgest thou thy brother? or thou, why dost thou despise thy brother? For we shall all stand before the judgment seat of Christ

In the end, they'll have to answer to Christ as will I. As much as it pains me, they all know the Lord's word, so they will get whatever Christ deems suitable. I hope they can change someday and find their way into Heaven.


#5

[quote="yellowbird, post:2, topic:215686"]
I'm just curious if Abby or Shelby are Catholic?

Not that it would make much difference to how I'd react. I'd continue to love Abby as I had her entire life.. pray for her & Shelby - especially if they are not Christians - and leave it at that.

I would not attend their civil ceremony. I wouldn't make a big deal about it - she obviously knows how you feel because she kept that part of her life secret from you for that very reason. I'd just politely decline. What you were taught is correct. Although they seem very loving & happy - their physical relationship is wrong.

If she asks, I would be completely honest with my feelings. I'd tell her how much I loved her and how lovely and impressed I was by Shelby as a person - but that as a Catholic, I cannot support their union - and that makes me feel very torn because I love her, and would no doubt come to love Shelby very much as well - but my faith must come first. I would tell her that I do not judge her - and I want her to be happy, but I also know that there is no true happiness apart from God so I'm praying for her & Shelby both - and I wish them well.

I would continue to be very loving & kind toward them both whenever I saw them.

It's a tough situation. My prayers are with you that you are able to deal with this in a loving manner that does not compromise your faith - no easy thing to do, I know.

God bless you.

[/quote]

This is a very, very good answer.

Pax,
OA


#6

[quote="yellowbird, post:2, topic:215686"]
Although they seem very loving & happy - their physical relationship is wrong.

[/quote]

Yes. Sins of the flesh don't automatically make nice people seem less nice. These don't negate the good parts of a relationship, either. Conversely, the sexual choices of nice people whom you enjoy being around are not automatically moral.

By the way, it is no sin to be gay or lesbian, in the sense of having a sexual attraction only for people of your own sex. It is only the genital expression and the pretense of marriage between members of the same sex that are wrong.


#7

Abby and Shelby are both non-denominational Christians, Shelby frequently wears a small silver cross around her neck.
She infrequently (about once a month) attends mass and is listed as Christian on Facebook, et cetera (My daughter is friends with her)
Abby doesnt attend Church but is relatively believing, but honestly I wouldnt know how to approach the subject.
I find myself wondering if Homosexuality is even wrong.
I know you all say it is, but honestly, I'm finding it hard to find a fault with it, other than God says so.


#8

[quote="LeeLeeMoo, post:7, topic:215686"]
I'm finding it hard to find a fault with it, other than God says so.

[/quote]

That should be the very reason why you should find fault in it. It's very clear in the Bible that homosexual behavior is a serious sin. This is one of those things that I don't see how anyone can be a Christian and not come to the conclusion that it is a sin. God made Adam and Eve not Adam and Edward for a very good reason.


#9

[quote="LeeLeeMoo, post:7, topic:215686"]

I find myself wondering if Homosexuality is even wrong.
I know you all say it is, but honestly, I'm finding it hard to find a fault with it, other than God says so.

[/quote]

And isn't that the hard part - our heart tells us one thing but God says something else. I think that's true with alot of issues. What seems to make the most "sense" to us isn't always right - and in fact, it's often wrong. So then it becomes a matter of whom do I trust.. my own heart, which the bible says is treacherous - or God, the Creator of the Universe?

I share your struggle as well. It seems to me that some people are truly born gay - and what is wrong with love? Couldn't the world use more love? But yet there are all sorts of love that ARE wrong.. and according to God, homosexual physical love is wrong. Period. So our choice is to accept what we KNOW God says - or to decide for ourselves what is right and wrong. And once we go down that path of deciding for ourselves, how are we any different from unbelievers? They base their morality on their own personal feelings without any regard for God's word or His Church.

For me, regardless of how I might feel toward individuals I love dearly who are gay - I have chosen to remain faithful to God and His commands.. and that includes viewing what He says is sinful as just that - sinful. It's a cross I bear - because like you, my heart is torn. But ultimately I know He must come first - before anyone else. He has given so much.. suffered & died on the cross for MY sins. Rejecting His commands is a rejection of Him and that is something I cannot do.

I won't say it's easy though.


#10

[quote="mcrow, post:8, topic:215686"]
God made Adam and Eve not Adam and Edward for a very good reason.

[/quote]

Poor Steve. Does he know about Edward? :rolleyes:


#11

Poor Steve. Does he know about Edward?

:rotfl:


#12

[quote="yellowbird, post:10, topic:215686"]
Poor Steve. Does he know about Edward? :rolleyes:

[/quote]

:rotfl:


#13

[quote="yellowbird, post:10, topic:215686"]
Poor Steve. Does he know about Edward? :rolleyes:

[/quote]

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:


#14

Sorry, not familiar with Steve. :blush:


#15

[quote="mcrow, post:14, topic:215686"]
Sorry, not familiar with Steve. :blush:

[/quote]

The common phrase is "God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve."

So Edward threw us (and Steve) for a loop! ;) :D


#16

I think part of the problem is that men are not allowed to love men, nor women allowed to love other women. I'm not talking about sexually, just...in general. In America and other European coutries overrun by puritans at one point or another touch is taboo. Yeah, you can hug someone of the same gender if they're crying but that's about it. You must have exactly the right context to express if you love another member of the same gender least you be bashed.

This was a problem far before this current day in age.

I see other cultures...Italian and Hispanic. They touch eachother (in an affirming way) ALL DAY. I had two young co-workers who constantly had arms around eachother;s back, hi-fived, sat back to back. They were in no way gay, and in a larger group they squeezed together like a unit, insted of isolated little soliders of the white kids or the slumping bumping around of the black kids. (yes, it's a steryotype, but in this case it's true, deal with it).

Italians kiss and hug and touch like crazy. I have a friend who wishes he was born Italian. He loves how they kiss and hug another when meeting...regardless if they are in the street or at home for dinner. He, on the other hand, came from parents, grandparents and relatives who stopped hugging boys in their pre-pubescence, and even in his teenage years it could between hugs.

So what do we do? We equate anyone who likes physical affection to being gay, if they do not immediatly get it from the opposite sex. This in turn, drives them closer together, and creates so many more "couples" of attioned starved people who really just concent to being loved.

But it is disordered to concent to that love...because it, in the end, will be unfufilling. It will not be able to satisfy their vocation or love in the end. It will be fruitless.


#17

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