Issue with mom-opinions please


#1

last night was DD’s confirmation. we were part of a multi-parish event. during our planning/prep classes, the teacher said to us “immediate family is welcome”…

a few weeks ago i asked my mom if they would be coming. she sort of he-ed and hawed and says “well, maybe, we’ll see…” they are very close with dd, so thinking they really didn’t want to come, i said “well, it’ll probably be mostly parents anyways”. and left it at that. i didn’t want to pressure them to come or feel guilty. i know confirmation is a big deal, but they have big plans to come to her first holy communion in june.

yesterday morning i phoned her to ask “are you all coming tonight?” she says “no, we’re going into the city, and you said it would be mostly parents”. i say ‘yes, but feel free to come if you want’.

they didn’t come, and that’s ok. most of the students from our church had parents/siblings and sponsors there. a couple had grandparents. the kids from the OTHER churches brought grandparents, greatgrandparents, aunts/uncles/ cousins, etc. it was a ZOO! a few friends from our church said to me “i didn’t invite my parents either, so don’t feel badly”

well, my parents apparantly drove by during the ceremony and saw the crowd. she was peeved at me when i called last night and was downright rude. then she put dd in the middle, asking to talk to her, and grilled her about who’s grandparents were there.

i’m put of by this. big time. i offered twice for them to come. they CHOSE not to. of course, in her mind it’s all MY fault because i said it would be mostly parents. it was. yes, there were grandparents there, but i really had no idea that it would be that sort of crowd. i feel guilty about it and now she won’t take my calls. period.

i feel like she’s being childish. the one good thing in this: whenever she comes to dd’s events, she completely takes over, gushes to the priest and school principal and teachers, basically ignores me, and trys to act all in charge of dd. last night it was WONDERFUL to just be able to be dd’s mom and dad. DH is put off as well, and says ‘don’t call, let her call you. it’s not your fault’… any suggestions how to fix this??


#2

Stop worrying about what your mother thinks and does. You are an adult. Ignore her.

As long as you let other people wipe their feet on you, you will be a doormat. The day you pick yourself up off the floor and demand respect, the foot wiping will stop.

It's up to you.


#3

Dr. Laura, despite her other foiables has just the phraze for this..."time to put on your big girl panties"

You invited her with the knowleged YOU had.
You did not lie, decieve in any way, shape or form.
This event was not hosted by your parish, but by a distant church, of which I'm sure your familialarity was not perfect.

Then SHE had the GALL to drive by a crowded ceremony and make assumptions. Seriously? Is she for real?

It's time to go Mamma bear on her. She will NOT harass your child. She did something that should not be easily forgiven...confirmation is either in 8th or 10th grade so your daughter is 13-16. NOT at all appropriate for a grandmother...or anyone...to challenge/question your judgment even if you were in the wrong.

Don't call. Your mother was 100% wrong. She owes you an apology for her flipout.


#4

just an additional piece of info: DD is 8, we live in a diocese that has 'restored the order' of sacraments (i wish they hadn't!) so confirmation is early...also, dd goes to school at the parish where the ceremony was held, but we DON"T go to church there, we belong to a parish that doesn't have a school...but still, correct that we were given info and i didn't lie. they had their entire church choir there and multiple readers, etc so it was a full house...not that this all matters...


#5

Your mother harassed an 8 year old??????????:mad:

8?

Please tell me you're joking!


#6

You did nothing wrong. It was your mother's choice not to attend. You invited her twice and she still chose not to attend. She is now putting this on you & trying to make you feel guilty. Do not call her -let her call you, do not apologize and do not let her go after your dd.
I have a mother who does this kind of thing. It took quite a while to stop taking her bait. Pretend like it never happened. Don't even acknowledge her nonsense. Its a game and you'll feel so much freer when you chose to stop playing.


#7

I can’t believe she drove by but didn’t come in. That is so sad. And then the silly behavior. It seems like she is punishing you for something and this situation was just a lame excuse to do it. You did say in the follow up post that she loves to take over and be in control. I guess this is her way of showing you who is in charge. Some people really have to grow up :rolleyes:


#8

What you really need to confront her on is harassing your daughter. Her choices were her own, you gave her the option, but obviously appearance is everything to her because she continued to turn you down until she saw that she was missing a party, and then she got angry because she was on the outside So it wasn’t that she wanted to be there for her granddaughter, she just wanted to be there because other people might have talked about her for NOT being there. Gads.

Tell her in no uncertain terms that if she EVER, EVER pulls your daughter into one of her dramas, that you will cut her completely off from her grandchildren. Yeah, it’s that bad. If she continues this kind of triangulation she can be a real problem once your kids get to be teenagers. She can undermine you and cause chaos and rebellion. Tell her to STOP IT.

If it were me, I’d give it hiatus and let her feel castigated for a while. She is entirely at fault and she crossed the line by drawing her own granddaughter into the drama.

:mad:


#9

HA! I could write a book on this subject with my mom!!!
Of course, my mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and everything is all about her.
I feel for you.
Do NOT give into her childish ways. It is ridiculous!


#10

Yeah, Musician, this mom could have NPD too, or borderline. Same kind of ridiculous behavior. Has no morals about using other people against each other for her own purposes.


#11

[quote="twk001, post:1, topic:235983"]
last night was DD's confirmation. we were part of a multi-parish event. during our planning/prep classes, the teacher said to us "immediate family is welcome"...

a few weeks ago i asked my mom if they would be coming. she sort of he-ed and hawed and says "well, maybe, we'll see..." they are very close with dd, so thinking they really didn't want to come, i said "well, it'll probably be mostly parents anyways". and left it at that. i didn't want to pressure them to come or feel guilty. i know confirmation is a big deal, but they have big plans to come to her first holy communion in june.

yesterday morning i phoned her to ask "are you all coming tonight?" she says "no, we're going into the city, and you said it would be mostly parents". i say 'yes, but feel free to come if you want'.

they didn't come, and that's ok. most of the students from our church had parents/siblings and sponsors there. a couple had grandparents. the kids from the OTHER churches brought grandparents, greatgrandparents, aunts/uncles/ cousins, etc. it was a ZOO! a few friends from our church said to me "i didn't invite my parents either, so don't feel badly"

well, my parents apparantly drove by during the ceremony and saw the crowd. she was peeved at me when i called last night and was downright rude. then she put dd in the middle, asking to talk to her, and grilled her about who's grandparents were there.
i'm put of by this. big time. i offered twice for them to come. they CHOSE not to. of course, in her mind it's all MY fault because i said it would be mostly parents. it was. yes, there were grandparents there, but i really had no idea that it would be that sort of crowd. i feel guilty about it and now she won't take my calls. period.

i feel like she's being childish. the one good thing in this: whenever she comes to dd's events, she completely takes over, gushes to the priest and school principal and teachers, basically ignores me, and trys to act all in charge of dd. last night it was WONDERFUL to just be able to be dd's mom and dad. DH is put off as well, and says 'don't call, let her call you. it's not your fault'.. any suggestions how to fix this??

[/quote]

Yes because your poor DD instead of focusing on receiving the sacrament should have been making a tally on which grandmothers were there.

"Mom, if we would have known, we would have made a point to sit you right next to the Bishop."

Some people are just too self involved.


#12

I guess I’m in the minority, but to me it sounds like a miscommunication. You were trying not to pressure her, but she took it as you didn’t really want her there.

I agree she’s being childish about not taking your calls.

I would write her a letter saying you are sorry about the miscommunication. That you really did want her there but didn’t want her to feel she HAD to come.

Then the ball is in her court.

Perhaps I am too passive about these things, but I have a mom who is extremely sensitive emotionally and I find it’s better to just understand that and do what needs to be done.:shrug:

ETA – I missed the part about her putting your 8 year old on the witness stand!! Holy cow! Is this new behavior, or does your mom have a history of this type of thing?


#13

Nail on head. That’s exactly it. My mom has paranoid personality disorder -many of the personality disorders over lap as far as symptoms. Its sounds like your mom wasn’t in the mood to go, but then when she realized or thought many other grandparents were there her first thought was people will think I’m a bad grandmother for not being there. Then she made it your fault. So she gets the “best” of both worlds she doesn’t have to go to something she didn’t feel like going to and she can say “Well my daughter said it was only for parents otherwise of course I would have been there.” And make you into the bad guy.

This is not about you and all about her. My guess is this behavior is pretty familiar to you.


#14

I have a mother like this. I believe that she has ‘borderline personality disorder’. She orchestrates drama and crisis in the family to bring her to the center of every event. This is not every characteristic, but tangent to the OP.

When I was in the process of joining the church through RCIA, a priest gave me the best advice I have ever heard in my entire life.

You cannot expect a person with a mental illness to act normal.

That was a tough pill to swallow. I was slapped in the face with reality but after prayer and reflection, it has made my relationship with my mother much better. I know that she will act in a certain way and I pray for her to get well. She has hopped from dr to dr most of my life.

So pray for your mother to be healthy in mind, body, and soul.

And do not call her. She will be sure to call you the next time she wants something from you.

God Bless


#15

no suggestions
your family has apparently forgotten that rules of etiquette regarding invitations apply to family members and events as well.

Obviously the DRE told you immediate family only because of the crowding and space availability. One parish did not get the message, or the DRE was not aware that in some cultures (like here) “immediate family” means every living relative within 100 miles who is ambulatory. Our church seats 340, with 60 confirmands and 60 sponsors (and most insist on bringing 2 even tho. the rules say 1) and 120 parents that leaves very little room for other guests, and who do you think complains to me when they arrive 10 minutes after Mass begins and can’t find seats?

my grandchildren are confirmed in parishes with schools so there are usually over 3-400 for any sacramental celebration, and they have tickets, yes tickets, 4 to 6 per family. I would love to use that system here, but you would still have to fight out within your own family who gets the tickets, so I still have no advice.


#16

I consider “immediate family” to be parents and siblings, including parents and siblings related by marriage. those are the people you are “immediately” related to, irregardless of the household size (which is dependent on culture).

this is what the party after the ceremony is for, because obviously everyone that everyone wants to invite won’t fit in the building. maybe next time they should have tickets, huh? my high school had tickets for graduation in the event it had to be held indoors, and my college one was indoors, so there were tickets there as well. it usually always works out that people who don’t use all their tickets return them to let those with bigger families invite more people.

on the other hand, perhaps people misunderstood and thought it meant their immediate relatives, not the child’s. in that situation I can see why grandparents, aunts, and uncles would be tagging along… but ignorance isn’t an excuse in my book…


#17

I agree with the majority of the posters here that your mom's behavior was inappropriate (and quite odd, since she stated they had other plans and then just happened to drive by the church?).

Having said that-- congratulations and God's blessings for your daughter on her confirmation. I hope her day was lovely, and she felt the love and presence of the Holy Spirit.


#18

Keep your head up. I'll be praying for you and your family.


#19

UPDATE: finally spoke with mom after she called me...yes, they drove by the church, but the church is also on a main road on the way to their house...so that wasn't necessarily wrong...BUT, I explained that pretty much all our kids had just parents, siblings and sponsors.

she's cooled down a lot. i also told her that if she was going to be childish like this, then she wasn't going to see us much. she actually apologized (first time ever???) and seems to have moved on. i'm stepping forward with guarded steps and have already made sure they will be at the first communion ceremony....


#20

Good for you. :thumbsup:


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