I have received the Sacrament of Penance earlier this week for my upcoming First Communion. I have felt stressed right after wanting to watch my every step so I didn’t have to go again this week. I later forgave myself for what I have done and moved on. However the next afternoon I felt I did something awful, it was a habit I had, thinking impurely at some things. I stressed the whole day evaluating it and came to the conclusion it was only venial sin since I pushed the thought away relatively soon so I could not indulge, and it wasn’t too serious, and it was a habit I have been having for a while. The thought is not lustful, no, but not very pure either. But since I dwelled so much in it I kept reminding myself these qualities so I could focus better on life, I kept seeing things over and over again for the most insignificant of things, then pondering about those. Leading me to stress into those thoughts, and having to calm them down with those past reasons. I didn’t indulge in these thoughts, again, and they only appear for split seconds before getting turned away but have huge emotional impact.
Now I question myself. “Am I doing this on purpose?” I hated this so much I just wanted to be free from these thoughts to continue with my life. Last night, I saw a disgusting and vulgar reading on social media. It was a comment section full of people wishing to taint their hearts. I was disgusted and read the whole thing, disgusted. It was only today I realized what I did.
That same night however, I felt I did something awful. You know those aforementioned thoughts? Well,I had a problem where I would say “don’t dare think that way” and my mind does the complete opposite. I didn’t want to offend God. I wanted to be free from this problem. But then these thoughts came to Him. I cried that night. Today, it was still a problem, just not as much and stressed the whole day over that split second. I don’t know if I welcomed that thought for that unrealized split second. I didn’t want to indulge in those thoughts.
Please, I ask, what should I do about this? I have my First Communion tommorow. I was planning on either confessing today in another church, however my parents will not want to take me. Or head to the church early tomorrow to to make an on-the-spot confessio to the priest. I don’t know what to do. I am not entirely sure if what I did was mortal sin but I do very much want to confess. Please! I need guidance :crying: