Issues with my mother


#1

My mother goes to mass a lot and prays a lot also, but sometimes i don't really think she does the right things -- don;t get me wrong, she doesn't do anything bad, but when she does things like lie, or use coupons for things she hasn't bought, etc. she always justifies it and she never thinks she does anything wrong. Anyway, last night some cards/letters came in the mail that were for my sister (from her ex-boyfriend who she dated for more than 5 years) and she broke up with him not because of him, , but just because of some other issues with his family,etc. and my mother had them in her hands and was not sure what they were exactly and she got all worried (she's ALWAYS worrying). She came up to me and handed them to me, and asked what they were. I said "i don't know", and she was saying how she is scared. She went back to the kitchen to talk to my dad, and i took a look at the letters. They were personal, and i read a couple lines just to see what it was and I stopped reading because it's not my business. My mother came back and she asked again what they were and who they were for ( even though she knew it was for my sister and from her ex). She asked me for them so that she could look at it and probably read them all, because she thinks she has a right to. I didn't give them to her, because i think that's wrong and I know my sister would not want me to let her read them. So, I didn't give them, and of course she starts blaming me and telling me that I should. My sister explained it to my mom afterwards, but it just hurts me that my mom acts this way and blames things on other people when she's wrong. What should i do in cases like this? Was I right or wrong in the situation with the cards/letters? thanks!


#2

You have laid out a few different problems. Using coupons for things that you have not bought (how does that even work?) is stealing. It is likely only stealing a few cents, but it is stealing nonetheless. Would she allow you to walk out of the store with a candy bar which you did not pay for?

The issue of the cards and letters is more complicated, or at least it could be. You are right to try to protect your sister's privacy. The reason I will not outright agree with your actions is because there are circumstances which would make your mother's actions appropriate.

You say you mother is worried, but you do not say what she is worried about in this case. Maybe she knows more than you about the relationship, and maybe it was abusive in some way. She might suspect that the letters are coercive, violent, or otherwise abusive. She might know this to be the case. There are legitimate reasons why a mother might feel that protecting her daughter trumps privacy. You do not say how old anyone involved is, and that is also a factor. How long had the sister and the BF been apart, and why was he sending multiple letters and cards to your mother's address? To be honest, as a mother, I would be very suspicious of a plague of letters shortly after a break-up, especially a break-up my daughter had initiated. It seems odd. Admittedly, in most cases, if would be for the daughter to handle not her mother.


#3

[quote="Beth_Cecilia, post:2, topic:244444"]
You have laid out a few different problems. Using coupons for things that you have not bought (how does that even work?) is stealing. It is likely only stealing a few cents, but it is stealing nonetheless. Would she allow you to walk out of the store with a candy bar which you did not pay for?

The issue of the cards and letters is more complicated, or at least it could be. You are right to try to protect your sister's privacy. The reason I will not outright agree with your actions is because there are circumstances which would make your mother's actions appropriate.

You say you mother is worried, but you do not say what she is worried about in this case. Maybe she knows more than you about the relationship, and maybe it was abusive in some way. She might suspect that the letters are coercive, violent, or otherwise abusive. She might know this to be the case. There are legitimate reasons why a mother might feel that protecting her daughter trumps privacy. You do not say how old anyone involved is, and that is also a factor. How long had the sister and the BF been apart, and why was he sending multiple letters and cards to your mother's address? To be honest, as a mother, I would be very suspicious of a plague of letters shortly after a break-up, especially a break-up my daughter had initiated. It seems odd. Admittedly, in most cases, if would be for the daughter to handle not her mother.

[/quote]

Very well said.


#4

[quote="Beth_Cecilia, post:2, topic:244444"]
You have laid out a few different problems. Using coupons for things that you have not bought (how does that even work?) is stealing. It is likely only stealing a few cents, but it is stealing nonetheless. Would she allow you to walk out of the store with a candy bar which you did not pay for?

The issue of the cards and letters is more complicated, or at least it could be. You are right to try to protect your sister's privacy. The reason I will not outright agree with your actions is because there are circumstances which would make your mother's actions appropriate.

You say you mother is worried, but you do not say what she is worried about in this case. Maybe she knows more than you about the relationship, and maybe it was abusive in some way. She might suspect that the letters are coercive, violent, or otherwise abusive. She might know this to be the case. There are legitimate reasons why a mother might feel that protecting her daughter trumps privacy. You do not say how old anyone involved is, and that is also a factor. How long had the sister and the BF been apart, and why was he sending multiple letters and cards to your mother's address? To be honest, as a mother, I would be very suspicious of a plague of letters shortly after a break-up, especially a break-up my daughter had initiated. It seems odd. Admittedly, in most cases, if would be for the daughter to handle not her mother.

[/quote]

Well, first, my sister and I both live at home. They are both in mid-late twenties, so they are adults. Also, my mother does not know more than I do about the relationship, because my sister talks to me about it more because my mom makes things a lot bigger than they are. He is not abusive or violent, - the breakup had to do with his family, and a couple other reasons but nothing about him being disrespectful, abusive, violent. religion, etc. . But, as far as I know he was not violent or abusive, because if that was the case than of course I would have let my mom read them and get involbed. I know my mom should be concerned, but the fact that she made me feel like I was doing something wrong for not letting her read them hurts, because I tried to do what was right. My sister even thanked me for not letting her read them.

My mom is worried because I don't think she wants my sister to be with him , and same with my dad (not because he's a bad guy, but their own superficial reasons), so she's worried about it, especially because they dated for a long time and he's still in love with her, and i think she is too. I love my mom but she tends to make stressful situations even worse than they are, so it's hard to talk to her. Plus, she is just always worrying, about everything, so when situations like this happen she gets scared and worries too much.


#5

As much as I hate to say it the Honor thy mother, thing does apply when your sisters live in your mothers house. If they want their privacy with their mail etc then they need to move out and live on their own dime. Until then your mom probably has the right to read mail from boys if these are her rules. Now if your sisters were not living under her roof that would be a different story.

When they become adults, children have the right and duty to choose their profession and state of life. They should assume their new responsibilities within a trusting relationship with their parents, willingly asking and receiving their advice and counsel. Parents should be careful not to exert pressure on their children either in the choice of a profession or in that of a spouse. This necessary restraint does not prevent them - quite the contrary from giving their children judicious advice, particularly when they are planning to start a family.

As long as a child lives at home with his parents, the child should obey his parents in all that they ask of him when it is for his good or that of the family. "Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord."22 Children should also obey the reasonable directions of their teachers and all to whom their parents have entrusted them. But if a child is convinced in conscience that it would be morally wrong to obey a particular order, he must not do so.

As they grow up, children should continue to respect their parents. They should anticipate their wishes, willingly seek their advice, and accept their just admonitions. Obedience toward parents ceases with the emancipation of the children; not so respect, which is always owed to them. This respect has its roots in the fear of God, one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit.


#6

As much as I hate to say it the Honor thy mother, thing does apply when your sisters live in your mothers house. If they want their privacy with their mail etc then they need to move out and live on their own dime. Until then your mom probably has the right to read mail from boys if these are her rules. Now if your sisters were not living under her roof that would be a different story.

i wholeheartedly disagree. reading another adult’s mail is a crime. whether you live at the same address or not.

Love, you and your sister are both well into adulthood. Unless there’s an extenuating reason you’re both at home – like you’re disabled or your parents are disabled-- then you’re VOLUNTEERING for this type of intrusion. none of this is news to you. you know your mother. you know what living with her entails.

if disability is the reason you must live there, insist on family therapy to map out appropriate personal boundaries for all. if there is no such extenuating reason for you living at home, appropriate boundaries have already been breached because you should be out on your own.


#7

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