Yes. I trust my children to make their own decisions. My feelings shouldn’t and don’t matter. I raised them to be independent of their parents. It doesn’t mean I don’t have emotional feelings about it. I just trust my kids to make their own decisions about their own lives. Parenting is hard. Cutting the apron strings is hard. I love my children enough to let them go. If I cry a bit later at my loss, that’s on me…not them. The last thing I would want is for them to be making decisions for my benefit, not theirs. If they did that, I failed.
Posting on here is not going to help your guilt. Please continue to discuss with your therapist.
Sometimes as adults we need to do things for our own benefit that our parents do not necessarily like. And sometimes we have to just accept that Mom is not going to be thrilled, and move on.
You don’t feel disrespected or ditched that they left with the knowledge they will not see you anymore for years possibly?
No on both accounts. If my children told me they felt guilty about leaving, I would immediately chastise them for it. While I might emotionally feel good that have some guilt over leaving me, I refuse to allow them to do so. They aren’t to be living their lives due to my feelings. I refuse to be so selfish! With all the abilities we have to stay in touch today, including talking face to face, the inability to actually hug and touch them is much lower in importance than them making their own way in the world. I can still SEE them. I can still TALK to them. I can still be a part of their lives every bit as much as if they lived next door and I don’t want to be a part of every bit of their lives. Sure, some part of it but I really don’t want to be a helicopter mother. I want to be available when they need me but not be involved when they don’t. They deserve respect and independence as much as I do. I still have my own life, too. Does your mother not have anything in her life outside of her son? That’s no way to live and is unhealthy as well. Our children are a part of lives, not our entire life! I have no room for needless guilt. I have enough real guilt for real mistakes as it is!
What if this couldn’t be done either?
No she has her second son who has autism so he relies on her. No real relationships besides that…
If mom has no internet and computing device, is this something you could arrange for her to have? Local libraries also often have this ability. Otherwise, it’s like the situation I had with my parents…lots of letters and pictures and phone calls.
Your mother needs help to realize that she has centered too much of existence on her children. Because she has done this, you are being made to feel guilty because you can’t fulfill her her life. Stop feeling guilty! She made this decision and only she can break out of it. Of course you love her but I don’t think you asked her to have her whole life revolve around you. You seem to be at a loss on how to confront this arrangement. Talk to your therapist on steps you can take to help her break away from you. That’s all you can really do to help her. She needs therapy to be able to let go. Is she getting help? I would certainly suggest to her that she needs it and it would help. Gently let her know that you are no longer tied to her as a child is. You need and want your own life that will include her but not be centered on her. She needs to learn how to accept this.
I meant what if the child is not able to contact the parent with technology? Would you still support the decision?
No never had one. If you say that to her she will get angry
She may but the question is, would she get help if it was pointed out that her guilt tripping and non acceptance of your decisions was unhealthy and she needs it. Most people don’t like being told they need mental health help. Would she…after her anger subsides…possibly listen and get help? It may take time and pressure for her to see things from a mental issue point of view. She may never accept it but at least you have tried to get her the help she really needs.
I’m sorry you feel guilty. You’ve done the right thing, though, even if it doesn’t feel like that right now.
You could go old school and write actual letters sent by snail mail. Moms love getting mail.
I do not understand why you have not done that already if your mom has no access to technology.
Interesting Subject, My Great Grandmother was a bought bride. She lived in Lithuania and another family from the village immigrated to the US 8 years earlier. One of the sons, paid for the passage of my grandmother on the condition of her marrying him upon her arrival. Her parents discussed the arrangement with her, saying that she would live a better life than she had now. So my Great Grandmother agreed on one condition that she would somehow find a way to bring the 5 sisters over so they too could have a better life. When she left, her parents knew that they would never see her again, but they did write until they died.
Once my Grandmother arrived in the US, she didn’t marry the man she promised to, but rather she fell in love with his brother. It took them 5 years to pay the brother back for her passage, but she married for love. Unfortunately he didn’t live that long afterwards, and at 5 years old my Grandmother had to deal with all the funeral arrangement as an interpreter between her mother and undertaker because my Great Grandmother couldn’t speak English. That day forward my Great Grandmother swore that she would learn English and her son learned too so they wouldn’t have to rely on my Grandmother ever again.
She was a single mom, worked 18 hours a day, bought a 3 story apartment house and didn’t lose it during the depression, and never turned away anyone in need. She kept her word and brought all 5 sister over and they all married men they loved, like she did. The last sister came over when the mother passed so she did not die alone, but she also died a proud woman. She was popular in the village as all her children were successful Americans, and all sent her money to live.
While she didn’t have her daughters around her, she gave them a better life and made they all made her proud. And while I was only 5 when she died, I still remember while she was dying she kept saying Mama aš ateinu (Mama I am coming). I also remember that she had a rule, if someone in the room didn’t speak Lithuanian then everyone was suppose to speak English. But the old ladies of the neighborhood when my father would come in the room, would speak Lithuanian and point at him. It would make my Great grandmother mad, so she would tell me bad phrases in Lithuanian to tell the old ladies. Mom said that would always shut them up.
Things were so different back then, I look back over time and we would never survive half of what they went through.
Padre Pio’s father was one of those. He was gone for several years but he eventually returned.
But in general, isn’t it the purpose of a family to stay close to each other? What’s the use of a family far away from each other?
What’s the use of a family close to each other if they can’t make enough money to survive?
But what if they can? Should they then still stay together because it is a family unit?
Most people migrated because of economic pressures or to get a better life or ensure a better life. It is why you had mess emigration from my own nation up until recent years. If you have never felt the pressure of living in a nation with little in the way of employment or career opportunities it is probably hard to understand.
What is the answer you are looking for? That would save a lot of time and keystrokes.
For every piece of advice, there is a but or what if.
If ifs and buts were candy and nuts we’d all have a Merry Christmas.
Can family members go away (in terms of location) from their family even though a family is supposed to stay together?
I think that would be the question…
They may have to in real life. Sentiment doesn’t put bread and butter on the table.
Yes, they can and they do, and can still be close to their families by staying in contact.
So, have you written a long overdue letter to your mom yet?