It's starting to make me sick


#1

:(

I'm just looking for religious advice.

I just got married in November. Our relationship is beautiful and strong. But, our family life isn't.

We haven't been able save up enough money yet for a down payment on an apartment so we've been living with his parents.

There is constant fighting within the family which is usually instigated by one member. His oldest sister.

In our opinion she is a truly evil person. She is jealous of everyone else's happiness so she enjoys tormenting others. Usually by screaming at them belittling them calling them names, threatening them, etc.

From the stories I've heard she's always been like that. We she doesn't get what she wants she makes everyone miserable. She lied just so she could try to live with her boyfriend... at age 14. They have had to move from state to state just so she could stay out of trouble. She was involved in a lawsuit when she was in high school.

If I say much more it will be gossiping.

Just every time I she her she threatens to well in kinder words "break my [butt]."

Then when my husband started deciding against the military she called screaming at him. Saying well in kinder words that he was "chicken [poo]" if he didn't join and that she would never respect him. And kept going on and on about how he was nothing and about how he has always been nothing and about how her in-laws where way better than our family.

She tried to break up our marriage.

She said that I wasn't family till I had her brothers baby. Well that one sent me a little over the edge. I started to explaining to her in kind words the sociology of families. And she threw a fit. She started attacking me personally and my past. Then since my mother in-law wouldn't chose a side. She totally cut everyone off not allowing her parents to see her children. Cussing them the entire time. While her husband was in the background threatening there lives threatening to bring his little militia to there house.

She holds her children ransom. My mother in-law has paid probably about $10,000 to her just to see them. While my father in-law struggles to keep the bills paid.

This is where our home gets dicey. We have truly tried to keep turning our cheeks while she meantlly abuses us. But its getting old. I we went to see her and she threatened to fight me if I hurt her family. I just put on a big fake smile and walked away.

In all likeliness she would hurt her family way before I ever would.

Well now his mother-in-law is down there everyday lining her pockets. That doesn't bother me, its her husbands money. It's their marriage.

But, what bothers me, is that whenever she comes home if she's mad about her. She won't tell her about it she'll scream at my husband. Just scream and yell for like 30 mins if he just walks into the room and checks the weather.

It's metal abuse, she's taking everything out on him and he never does anything wrong. He's just there.

I honestly and truly from the bottom of my heart hate my sister in-law. I know it's wrong. And I keep trying to forgive her. But it's really hard just to turn the other cheek when she keeps doing things to try to hurt us.

Like posting pictures and cussing her brother in them. It just... it gets old.

Every time I hear her name I cringe. Because I know another fight is going to happen.

And that's all my mother in-law talks about. Her this, her that, guess what she did today. She's always bragging on her our fussing about her. This woman's life is starting to revolve around her. And she has two more children.

Like she got in a fight with her aunt. And we had nothing to do with it. It didn't involve us in anyway. We where on good terms with her aunt. She was nice to us during our wedding she sent us a really nice gift. We actually wanted to get to know her better.

But she started a fight with her. Called her names. And our aunt went right back at her instead of taking her abuse.

And she got so mad. She called my mother in-law complaining and my mother-in law got all fired up in her defense. Yelling at my husband and getting really mad about nothing really.

It was her fought she said that our cousin wasn't a good mother.

Anyway... she blocked her aunt off of facebook, and she got mad at us for not doing the same thing.

We honestly didn't want to rush to her side. She started it. She always starts it. She hates that other people could ever be happy.

It's just wearing on my nerves and my heart. I think I'm getting ulcers my stomach is always hurting and I'm getting so depressed. I feel like I cant leave this room without getting screamed at. Like in a room of nails, if I move I get pricked. I'm just tired of it I don't know how to remedy this situation. I just don't know what I can do.

Should we talk to our Father about this?


#2

are you working right now? if not, it would be a good idea to get a job so that you can get out of the house for a few hours… if you cant do that, try to go for a walk everyday, i dont know where u r located but anything to get you out of the toxic environment… also, i deal with these things by completing ignoring it! do not rise up to it, do not acknowledge it! i do believe it is a spiritual attack, so everytime it starts you and your husband would do well to just walk away together… if she starts yelling at him, take a hold of your husband’s hand and ask him to come out for a walk… that way, she knows that her words are worth nothing to both you guys and you will be showing a common front to her…

God bless you… also if possible, start praying this prayer to the Infant Jesus - I have found this novena prayer to be incredibly powerful…


Short personal novena to Infant Jesus

O Child Jesus, I have recourse to You by Your Holy Mother. I implore You to assist me in this need, for I firmly believe Your Divinity can assist me. I confidently hope to obtain Your holy grace. I love You with my whole heart and my whole soul. I am heartily sorry for my sins and beg of You, good Jesus, to give me the strength to overcome them.

I make the resolution of never again offending You, and I resolve to suffer everything rather than displease You. Henceforth I will to serve You faithfully. For the love of You, Divine Child, I will love my neighbor as myself.

Jesus, most powerful Child, I implore You again to help me: (mention your request)

Divine Child, great omnipotent God, I implore through Your most Holy Mother’s most powerful intercession, and through the boundless mercy of Your omnipotence as God, a favorable answer to my prayer during this Novena.

Grant me the grace of possessing You eternally with Mary and Joseph and of adoring You with Your holy angels and saints. Amen.



#3

Well I think you should try and move out as soon as you can. Once you can, dont call the sister in law, till things settle down in her life a little more. Visit your in laws though of course, but maybe state you dont want to hear about your SIL, but obviously all of this needs to be discussed with your husband.


#4

Hiyas:)

Yes, I would consult my Priest
But, I would get my own place to live. It doesn’t sound like a healthy situation, to me, and it will escalate

Praying for you and your family…


#5

Not likely. Your father is probably hiding under his bed with all the drama. If he had a solution to it, he probably would have put the hammer down years ago and put an end to the madness.

First off, your sister in law sounds like a narcissist. They have a way of making the whole world revolve around them.

Your world does not have to revolve around her.

You need to find some room for pity for your MIL. She is a mother. One of her children has serious problems. As a mother, you invariably end up concentrating on the problem child. Yes, even though the "good" ones are there, the problem child sucks all your attention. No, it's not fair. But the urge of a mother to "fix" her child and nurse them to health or make them happy is very hard to overcome, and sociopathic children use that to manipulate and take advantage of that and get money and special favors.

Your SIL has held her children hostage to the grandparents and blackmailed them. She is a horrible person.

It's all too much drama for your young marriage.

Understand some things:

YOU don't have to be involved in the drama.

Your husband has absorbed this garbage his whole life and if he is allowing his family to abuse him and getting sucked into it, that is HIS fault. He can walk away from it.

He can tell his mother "Mom, leave me out of the fight." And you and he can leave the house till the storm blows over. There will be another one. And another.

Get out of the middle.

You both need to find somewhere else to live. Forget the fights with the aunts and the cousins and the neighbors. Seek shelter with friends and split expenses with friends. Rent a room in someone's basement. Anywhere but there! Get out! Or your marriage will get sucked into the toxic swamp.

Do not expect MIL to choose sides. She is already being torn in half by her own daughter. If you think your health is suffering from that girl, you can't imagine what the girl is doing to her own mother.

Your relationship with your in-laws should be "Let's meet for dinner. Ground rules: NO conversation about THAT TOPIC." Your MIL doesn't know it, but she needs to have time and conversations that are NOT about that girl. You can help her by continually and calmlyl redirecting her attention to things more pleasant because "she deserves some goodness in her life too, and deserves not to be upset all the time." It's not a message that woman is telling herself.

Be kinder to her than her daughter is.

You don't need to have any contact with the SIL. Ignore what she says. She has problems. Don't listen to her. Nothing she says has real value. Unfriend her on FB and you dont' need to know what she is saying.

Eventually her marriage will end and she and the kids will move back in with mom and dad. You do NOT want to be there.

Just move somewhere else and rent a room. It will pay off in the long run. You'll save on medical bills.

Do it now.

Suggest your MIL find free counselling for her issues with her daughter. That it isn't fair what the girl is doing to her and she needs someone to advise her and help her through the pain. But that you and your husband are not equipped to deal with those issues. And you don't want to discuss unpleasant things. Kindly change the subject every time they bring up the sister. She doesn't need to control everyone even when she isn't in the room.


#6

I think the problem is you got married to quickly or too soon. Not that you shouldnt have ever gotten married to him but it would have been better to wait to get married when you both were more established financially. You are just asking for problems unless you do. Coming from a family that had problems with in fighting and family turmoil, the problem would almost always have been solved with better financial and life decisions. Just by reading the first 3 lines I could predict what I would read after because I have seen similar in my own family. The only way to get out of such a situation is to get yourself out of the house and away from the drama. If you want these people out of your life, your husband needs to get a better paying job or you need to get a job so that you can get the apartment and leave the bad situation. After that the work is still beginning, it becomes a matter of making sure he does not go out of his way to get involved and invite them into the new environment you want to create. Otherwise, you just need to dig in and get used to it. These problems simply do not go away and evolve and become much, much worse over time.


#7

Move out now. Don’t wait until you have money for a down payment on a house, just move into whatever you can afford.

You and your husband need to sit down and get on the same page for how you will be united on this. How you will interact with his parents, how or if you will interact with the sister.

Personally I’d cut the sister totally out of my life and limit the time with his parents and how/when they are allowed to visit your house.


#8

I will pray for you and your family…especially your sister-in-law


#9

Move back in with your parents, tonight.


#10

I would start taking a look at apartments. Most landlords are very flexible these days as vacancy rates are at a high. It might not take as much as you think, and it certainly would be worth it to get some distance from such a miserable and dysfunctional situation.

Most apartments around here have small deposits and don't require last months rent. Move in specials abound.


#11

If you don’t have kids yet, you need to get a job and a 2ND job so that you can get out of that house for anything other than sleeping. Your husband too. You need your own place. Sounds hard, but it will be MUCH harder if you have kiddos in tow.

I hate to say it, but if your SIL is not married, she belongs in that house — you and your husband don’t! - so you are obligated to put up with whatever while you are there.


#12

Get the heck out of there as soon as possible, get a job, any job, and get the money and move out… That’s really the only solution, than don’t talk to your sister in law any more.


#13

Move out. You don’t usually need a down payment to rent an apartment. And even if you can’t afford your own apartment right now, rent a room in someone else’s house and avoid all that drama. You would never (I hope!) stay in a living situation where they were physically abusing you or your husband; why tolerate verbal and emotional abuse?


#14

I agree with this. Take whatever job you can get, and live where ever people who have that job live, even if it is just a bachelor pad or cheap motel room. Better to be poor and at peace, than to be rich with strife in the family.


#15

Praying that the Lord gives you peace soon.


#16

In addition to the other advice you have received (definitely - move out ASAP!), everytime your SIL does something hateful, ask God to bless her, to heal her and give her peace.

This isn't easy to do when you are hurting so much from her tantrums, but it will help both of you.

Don't try to talk to her or reason with her.

If she calls on the phone to abuse you, hang up. If she harangues you to your face, walk away. If she threatens violence - call the police - everytime, and get an AVO taken out against her and her husband who threaten to bring their little 'militia' over to assault you. If she lays a hand on you, have her charged with assault. You don't have to put up with this. It seems to me that the family has been covering for her for years and it is about time she was made to take responsibility for her behaviour.

It may cause a breach in the family, but this sort of behaviour is beyond the pale, especially threatening to 'break your ***' every time she sees you.

Move away. I don't know what sort of job your dh has, but if it is possible, think about moving to another city/town to get as far away from them as you can. As others have advised, both of you should work at this time so you can afford your own place. Living with in-laws is difficult at the best of times but putting up with threats of violence is not acceptable.


closed #17

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