I guess depending on the perspective of who is reading this thread you can either call this thread a rant, a look at an overly sensitive person because I have depression (as I’ve been accused of before), just plain giving up or a lack of faith.
Whatever the conclusion that each individual person comes up with one thing is certain for me and that is that I don’t have anything more to give as a Catholic. I’ve run on empty with no true faith and just a little hope that what Christ promised is true and I have lost that.
I can’t believe in Christ no matter how hard I try and my prayers…even if it just simply to talk with Christ like I would to a friend just seems fake and like I am acting.
For several years now I’ve tried to convince myself that suffering is redemptive and tried to follow the teachings of the Catholic church by going to mass, confession and through my private devotions. I had some hope that the depression that I have suffered daily with for close to 20 years is not for nothing but I just can’t find any peace in practicing the Catholic Faith and besides nobody seemed to care to want to help support me in my faith regardless of what I did…
When I still had some hope for about 2 years I tried to become Confirmed and each time I knocked on the door and asked for help from those within the Catholic Church I would be told that they would help me only to later be forgotten completely. It would be different if it just happened once or twice but it has happened numerous times.
I wrote to my Archdiocese, spoke to the director of RCIA in my area, spoke to my parish priest and was forgotten by all of them. I even was stupid enough to write to my priest who basically treated me like a leper after having discussed with him my problems with depression and need for an at-home Rcia study program. I forgave him and wrote to him reminding him of his promise that I would be Confirmed this year. He couldn’t even contact me himself. The parish Rcia coordinator called me twice and it was obvious she was clueless as to how to help me. I never heard from her again.
I ended up changing parishes because I couldn’t stand having my peace taken away from me at mass due to the attitude of the Priest towards me.
I was even stupid enough to write to a well-known Priest who has a show on EWTN for help thinking that he must have numerous resources or contacts that could give me some alternatives and help me out. I got a reply with much bravado about how he would do everything he could to help me. And guess what happened… I got forgotten about yet again.
I was running on empty for several years clinging to hope and the hope is gone. I went through obstacle after obstacle trying to get Confirmed… going to mass, confession… etc and I am finished with it. My faith was already weak as it is with the little hope I had and I never got any support to even help sustain the little hope I had…
I can’t be Catholic anymore… I can’t be a hypocrite and pretend I believe when I don’t… I know many will say for me to pray for faith, or to try getting Confirmed at another parish… but I am over it. I already had to leave one parish out of being humiliated and made to feel like I am leper because of my depression and won’t go through it again. I tried harder to be loyal to the teachings of the church than many cradle Catholic’s who couldn’t care less if they were Confirmed or not… I am not being arrogant but it is true that many cradle Catholics could care less about their faith.
I honestly can say I am no longer Catholic… I will still visit these forums but as an outsider.