I've run on empty long enough....


#1

I guess depending on the perspective of who is reading this thread you can either call this thread a rant, a look at an overly sensitive person because I have depression (as I’ve been accused of before), just plain giving up or a lack of faith.

Whatever the conclusion that each individual person comes up with one thing is certain for me and that is that I don’t have anything more to give as a Catholic. I’ve run on empty with no true faith and just a little hope that what Christ promised is true and I have lost that.

I can’t believe in Christ no matter how hard I try and my prayers…even if it just simply to talk with Christ like I would to a friend just seems fake and like I am acting.

For several years now I’ve tried to convince myself that suffering is redemptive and tried to follow the teachings of the Catholic church by going to mass, confession and through my private devotions. I had some hope that the depression that I have suffered daily with for close to 20 years is not for nothing but I just can’t find any peace in practicing the Catholic Faith and besides nobody seemed to care to want to help support me in my faith regardless of what I did…

When I still had some hope for about 2 years I tried to become Confirmed and each time I knocked on the door and asked for help from those within the Catholic Church I would be told that they would help me only to later be forgotten completely. It would be different if it just happened once or twice but it has happened numerous times.

I wrote to my Archdiocese, spoke to the director of RCIA in my area, spoke to my parish priest and was forgotten by all of them. I even was stupid enough to write to my priest who basically treated me like a leper after having discussed with him my problems with depression and need for an at-home Rcia study program. I forgave him and wrote to him reminding him of his promise that I would be Confirmed this year. He couldn’t even contact me himself. The parish Rcia coordinator called me twice and it was obvious she was clueless as to how to help me. I never heard from her again.

I ended up changing parishes because I couldn’t stand having my peace taken away from me at mass due to the attitude of the Priest towards me.

I was even stupid enough to write to a well-known Priest who has a show on EWTN for help thinking that he must have numerous resources or contacts that could give me some alternatives and help me out. I got a reply with much bravado about how he would do everything he could to help me. And guess what happened… I got forgotten about yet again.

I was running on empty for several years clinging to hope and the hope is gone. I went through obstacle after obstacle trying to get Confirmed… going to mass, confession… etc and I am finished with it. My faith was already weak as it is with the little hope I had and I never got any support to even help sustain the little hope I had…

I can’t be Catholic anymore… I can’t be a hypocrite and pretend I believe when I don’t… I know many will say for me to pray for faith, or to try getting Confirmed at another parish… but I am over it. I already had to leave one parish out of being humiliated and made to feel like I am leper because of my depression and won’t go through it again. I tried harder to be loyal to the teachings of the church than many cradle Catholic’s who couldn’t care less if they were Confirmed or not… I am not being arrogant but it is true that many cradle Catholics could care less about their faith.

I honestly can say I am no longer Catholic… I will still visit these forums but as an outsider.


#2

Have you seen a medical doctor regarding your chronic depression? It is possible that your problems are springing from a chemical imbalance that can be treated with the proper medication. If so, I believe you might find that your other difficulties will seem much less insurmountable than they do right now.


#3

I will try to be as charitable as possible. Firstly, it is against forum rules to be dispensing advice on medical conditions. I have gone through therapy, meds and the works… if they had helped me at all I wouldn’t still be in my condition. Secondly, I don’t have medical insurance so I cannot afford to try other types of therapy or counseling at this time.

Why is it that as soon as anyone on these forums says they have depression you always have those who will dispense advice without being asked when they don’t even know the poster personally? I don’t want to hear any advice on depression… and will ignore any posts that do speak of it from this point on.

This post is about my not having gotten support in my faith, not being helped when seeking to become Confirmed and realizing I don’t have any faith in Christ. If you want to make into “oh, well she has depression so she is making every problem bigger” thread… then please take it elsewhere.

I have seen cradle Catholics who just from not having a Priest be available at church for Confession will use that as an excuse to not go back to Church ever again. Do you think it is a joke that every single time I have contacted someone from a position of authority to help me in my faith that they have all basically tossed me aside? For much less have people left the church and for much more stupid and ridiculous reasons have people left the church. Keep on topic or I will ignore the post.


#4

Maryam, I don’t have any advice for you re the people you feel have abandoned you, and since you asked that no one address your depression I will leave that be. I just wanted to say I will keep you in my prayers that you be healed in all ways, and that your dryness ends soon.

In the meantime, maybe you might wish to reflect on the words you yourself wrote on another thread:

[quote=Maryam]What I always find amazing is that people take the actions of human beings and because of this will leave Jesus Christ and the Church he founded.

How in the world can you compare the things of the Spirit to the actions of man? Man is imperfect, selfish, greedy, sinful… Where is the newsflash in this being something new for humanity?

Even if 99.9% of Catholic Clergy were corrupt… What excuse will I have on the day of judgement to give to Christ for having left his church?
[/quote]

Maryam, hold onto that knowledge that you are in the Church that Jesus Himself founded, and that it is indeed populated by sinful human beings. Even if you cannot at this time sense the truth of it, please hold onto it intellectually, if not spiritually.
May God bless you and heal you, in mind, body and spirit.


#5

I will pray for you.

May Christ grant you His peace and surround you in His love and mercy from now and for all eternity. I ask this through Jesus Christ our Lord, in whom all our intercessions are acceptable; who lives and reigns with you, in the unity of the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen. :slight_smile:

-Kevin


#6

Juno… yes, I did indeed post those words and it was true when I believed in it. I didn’t lose my faith just for the reason that the people I seeked out to help me didn’t. As I stated in my first post, my faith was hanging by just alittle thread of hope and it wasn’t supported. I can’t help the fact that I just can’t believe in Christ… that is the bottom line.

I think that if I had been given some support in my faith that maybe I could have held onto that hope alittle bit tigher or maybe I just never had it to begin with. I don’t know the answer to be honest.

I ultimately left because I have no faith or hope… I know all of us are sinners intellectually… But in my heart I just don’t have the faith in it.


#7

Thank you for your prayers.


#8

Maryam - I have been going through a dry patch too now and I have just not been able to pray. You know all I do is i believe that HE is seeing everything that I am doing and I try not to do anything wrong. But I frequently am insensitive to other people which I know and I am working on that.
If I have a problem, I call to Jesus and ask him for help and then let it go and keep trying to solve it knowing that HE is helping me and if it does not get done, it is becos there is something better in store.
When I feel that I have indeed done everything I can, I then let it go into HIS hands.
Try not to dwell on the dry patch. I have stopped saying novenas and other prayers as I feel all choked up and messed up when I do them. I know everyone here will tell you that it is the devil that is trying to keep you from praying. But sometimes, you just have to have faith that Jesus will take you through all the darkness no matter what you do or have done.
Again being a practicing Catholic or not is not what is going to ultimately save you. Keep HIS day holy and believe in HIS grace and mercy.(I know a whole bunch of people are going to come down hard on me for this!!!)
God Bless… :slight_smile:


#9

I have to comment on your painting…it is astonishingly beautiful. I was just staring at it and there is such a warmth that exudes from it. Someone who had it in them to paint something like that just has to have faith and spirit somewhere inside, perhaps deep down and hidden, but for sure somewhere.

I am praying for you so very hard. I hope you do not decide to formally leave the faith. I hope this is a case of extreme spiritual dryness. I wish I had better words of comfort to give you. Please know that whatever happens that Jesus always leaves the door open. God bless you at this most difficult time in your life.


#10

I also wanted to comment on your painting - it is so beautiful. You have such talent.

I am so sorry you asked for help over and over again and never received it. That is just so awful. I’m also sorry you feel that you’ve lost your faith… how lonely that must feel? I’d like to think though that you are the person that “Footprints” poem is talking about… in the very worst time of your life there’s only one set of footprints and that’s because Jesus is carrying you. I hope that at some time in the future you’ll be able to look back on this time and realize that even though you didn’t know it or could feel it, He was the one carrying you. He does love you so very much, of that I am certain, and He understands what you are going through. It must pain Him so much to know that you’ve tried over and over again, only to be forgotten. What they’ve done to you was wrong. I hope in time you’ll be able to give the Church another chance.

I will pray for you also.


#11

Why do you have to have private RCIA classes at your home?

If someone does not call you back, why do you not keep calling?

If someone, like the RCIA director, is, by your own account, not able to help you, why should you expect them to help?

Expecting a reply from a celebrity after a single email is unreasonable. Do you not think they get dozens or hundreds of letters and emails each day? I am no celebrity and I do not have time to look at all my mail every day.

Those who suffer with depression often have great difficulty starting and continuing projects. Depression sufferers often exhibit irritability which can also be a factor that drives a wedge between the sufferer and those who try to help.

It seems to me that your difficulties center on you not having things done your way. There are two real questions here. What are you doing? How does what you are doing glorify God?

It is not callousness but a true desire to help that leads me to write the next sentence. Stop saying “poor me”, get out of your chair, go to church and involve yourself with the faithful at church.


#12

I was only trying to help, dear. I don’t know anything about your background, and I thought the suggestion might be useful to you. My apologies for having upset you. I will withdraw.


#13

Maryam, those words were true when you believed, and they are true now. Truth does not change just because you no longer believe it. The truth is that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, and that He founded a Church here on earth.
As I said before, you must hold onto that truth intellectually even when you can’t seem to hold onto it spiritually.

I’m sorry you feel like everyone has let you down, but again, the truth does not depend on how others behave, and it does not depend upon how you feel, either. The fact that you are here indicates to me that you don’t really want to give up. One thing you probably already realize is that depression is an isidious illness-- it works its way into and colors every single aspect of your life, including (and maybe especially) your spiritual life.
Hold onto what you know intellectually to be true. If you start letting how you feel about the truth to sway you, you will lose hope in everything.

You know, there were times when I wore my Catholicism as a shell-- outwardly, I was Catholic, but there was nothing of it inside me. I didn’t really believe much of it-- but I held onto the knowledge of the truth. Even when I wanted to leave formally, I didn’t because I knew the Church had the Truth. I held onto to that knowledge until I could believe again. I pray you do the same thing. Please do not leave what Jesus established for you because you feel let down by the members of His Church.

Again, I pray for your healing.


#14

Your problem, IMO. is not your Faith. Its your depression. I speak from experience here. You need to see a Doctor pronto. They can do unbeleivable things with medication nowdays. If you have talked to a Dr. and he couldnt help you find another Doctor. there is help available for you.

you will be in my prayers.


#15

I agree…great post. :slight_smile:


#16

This is the last time I will post here… It is obvious that those with depression will be treated as if they are good for nothings if they post on CAF.

It is obvious that you know me personally RPP since in your post you make all these assumptions as to how I am as a person. And since you are asking all these questions I will satisfy your curiousity…

First of all… if it is someones job to work in helping others come into the faith and I have made the attempt to speak to you… not just once but several times. Why am I the one that has to be on top of the person to do their job for them?

Second, I called the Rcia director to see what his suggestions would be at an in-home study because he is in charge of the Rcia program in my area. And I think it is a stupid question to ask why would I expect him to help me.

Thirdly, it just goes to show that you have not read my post properly…The Priest from EWTN I contacted wrote back to me talking about what he would do to help me. If you offer to help someone and don’t do anything afterwards what would you call that? I was raised that if you say you will do something for someone then you should keep to your word. Or is this an alient concept to you?

Fourthly, to lump all depression sufferers as exhibiting the exact same problems is to show your ignorance. How do you know whether I am driving a wedge between me and others? I tend to hide my depression from those not in my circle of family and friends…so most people outside my circle would never know it. Or do you think I am like a raving lunatic when I talk to people?

Again…it seems you have not read my post properly and are just making assumptions… Have you even read my posts at all… I have been trying for 2 YEARS TO GET CONFIRMED AND HAVE AN AT-HOME RCIA STUDY SET UP FOR ME… and no one that I have contacted within the Catholic Church has been able to help me do that. It is my right to be able to have an AT-HOME RCIA according to Canon law… Do you think it is too much to ask that someone who is homebound be able to have this done when according to Canon Law it is acceptable to do so…??

It is not because I can’t have things done my way as you are trying to portray me…

And as to your “poor me” comments… I will be “irritable” as you define across the board people with depression and say you are an idiot who doesn’t know anything about my life. Posts like yours are dangerous in that you make it seem like it is a joke that those suffering from depression are just feeling sorry for themselves.

This is my last post here… I see over and over that those who post about depression on these forums get hit with the “poor me, get off your butt and do something” posts not taking into account that they don’t know the people or their day to day walk in life.

I sir or madam or whoever you are am often homebound due to my depression and panic attacks, THAT IS WHY I NEED AN AT-HOME RCIA STUDY… I have not worked in close to 5 years and have suffered from depression since age 11 continually non-stop. No therapy, medication or counseling has been able to help me.

I hope that you never have a son, daughter or other loved one be afflicted with the kind of depression that I and thousands of others suffer from. It is hell day to day… But of course you are the authority on depression, right? I wonder if this is how you would treat a family member suffering from severe long-term depression?

It is people like you that make the cross others have to carry heavier.

And to the person who thinks this is a “great post”… I fail to see what is so great about it.

And people wonder why the Catholic Church is in such a crisis with such heartless people who call themselves Catholics but have no mercy in them.

Thank you for helping me never to come back to these forums.


#17

Hello Maryam,

I hope you still read the post although you want to give yourself a break in joining it.

You said “after having discussed with him my problems with depression and need for an at-home Rcia study program.” I am not really clear on what kind of problems you have that prevent you from going to the class as others do; therefore, I could only pray for you.

I too have problems with my physical appearance, health issues, but I come to Praise and Worship at my parish. It helps me a lot. It could help you if you try to find some group at different parish who could share with you your issues.


#18

Maryam, I’m sorry to hear how much you are suffering.

I’ll pray for you, I hope you find some relief.


#19

Maryam,
You sound a lot like me. I suffered from depression since my teens, and there are no words to explain how I felt, how I still feel sometimes. The amount of times someone would say to me, “Cheer up”, “smile” or “pull your socks up”, like I could just do that, like I was playing a game. People are afraid of what they don’t understand, and think depression is perhaps feeling a bit glum now and again. If your arm was hanging off, then people could see that and respond with more gentleness, but depression-no way.
I get really cross when I read something spiritual, and it talks about being happy and spirit filled, 'cos otherwise you are not a good Christian-we should all be happy, and it is a sin to be miserable. Well I can’t. You might as well ask me to speak Swahili.
I can’t even pray most of the time - what’s the point? God will do what He wants anyway. I can’t even pray myself out of it. [SIGN]Pray those who can.[/SIGN]God Bless.
I stick with Christ because I don’t know where else to go.Where else can I go?


#20

Maryam, Why not contact your diocese/archdiocese. They may have a better idea of who can do at home RCIA. Also, do you not believe that Christ is the Son of God or do you not “feel” that Christ is the Son of God? I have had the feelings that I didn’t believe in Christ, but my intellect knew who Christ was and so that helped me get through my faith struggle.

Also, my grandmother did not like to leave the house and while she was already Catholic, someone would come to her weekly to distribute the Eucharist (she didn’t even leave the house to go to my grandfather’s/her husband’s funeral). My uncle’s sister NEVER left her house for 25+ years (severe social anxiety, she didn’t even leave to do things with her children) and a few years ago she began taking a social anxiety medication and I finally saw her two years ago for the first time in my entire life. I’m not trying to tell you what to do, just stating that I have known one person who didn’t get over her anxiety and another who did.


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