I’m not sure if this is the right forum at all.
My friend is getting married in less than a month, and I am very happy for her. But I also feel jealous and sad too. I just can’t help but think about how unlikely it seems that I will ever get married. What do I do?
I’m not sure if this is the right forum at all.
Accept that you are jealous, but do your best not to let it control you. It’s natural to be a little jealous, or at least I hope it is! I can relate, in a sense. DH and I are never going to have biological children. When I see a pregnant woman, I feel anger, sadness, jealousy. I think that’s all normal. Marriage, like pregnancy, are things that most people just take for granted.
But, I realize that God has a unique path for me. It’s mine and mine alone–I have to lead the life He gives me. It’s the same for you. God has a plan for you, whether marriage is part of that or not, it’s up to Him. It’s really frustrating and difficult to wait on Him, or it is for me, but I find prayer helps, just quietly resting in His presence. Ask Him to reveal what He has for you and eventually He’ll show you.
Don’t be discouraged. My youngest daughter did not marry until she was 40. My cousin did not marry until she was 60. I know that seems like a long time, but perhaps God has not put the right person in your path yet. Since you are a new Catholic, welcome home by the way, just maybe it would not have been the right thing to do while you were not Catholic. Just maybe, God has a good Catholic in store for you. Is it natural to be envious? Sure it is. But pray that you will be able to put that aside and rejoice with your friend. I know you don’t want to hear this—but you are still very, very young. This will give you time to figure out what is important to you, that beauty is only skin deep and that the person you marry better be your best friend because the new and exciting wears off and compatibility means more. Good luck and God bless.
I know how you feel. All my friends are either married or have kids. I have another friend getting married at the end of June. I know what you mean when you are happy for her but at the same time you are said for yourself. Its kinda hard to describe but I know what you mean.
I try to think of the positive. Yes, they are married and I’m still single but…I can go buy that $75 pair of shoes that I don’t need but want so bad and don’t have to check with my husband to make sure its ok to spend that much. I can eat the ice cream right out of the carton! I can eat that whole plate of brownies and not have to fell bad that I didn’t share!! There are wonderful great things about marriage. I so want to get married but I have decided that God will send someone when He is ready to send them to me…Not when I think I’m ready. Who knows…I could meet someone tomorow or it could be in a year.
I found this online a while back:
***Prayer for a Good Husband or Wife
O Jesus, lover of the young, the dearest Friend I have, in all confidence I open my heart to You to beg Your light and assistance in the important task of planning my future. Give me the light of Your grace, that I may decide wisely concerning the person who is to be my partner through life. Dearest Jesus, send me such a one whom in Your divine wisdom You judge best suited to be united with me in marriage. May her/his character reflect some of the traits of Your own Sacred Heart. May s/he be upright, loyal, pure, sincere and noble, so that with united efforts and with pure and unselfish love we both may strive to perfect ourselves in soul and body, as well as the children it may please You to entrust to our care. Bless our friendship before marriage, that sin may have no part in it. May our mutual love bind us so closely, that our future home may ever be most like Your own at Nazareth.
O Mary Immaculate, sweet Mother of the young, to your special care I entrust the decision I am to make as to my future wife/husband. You are my guiding Star! Direct me to the person with whom I can best cooperate in doing God’s Holy Will, with whom I can live in peace, love and harmony in this life, and attain to eternal joys in the next.
I think it is hardest to want something that is good, totally and undeniably good, and feel like we will never get it. I mean, I can berate myself for being envious of someone with a big house, or a new car, but when all I want is something so simple, so pure, that it seems everyone else gets without trying and I just can’t grasp…that is what hurts. It wasn’t marriage with me, it was a child. But God had plans. Yes, we dealt with years of the pain of infertility, but God has now blessed us not only with adopted children, but biological as well. All we can do is trust Him, totally and completely. Even if He doesn’t give us what we desire, He will give us the grace to get through it.
Would it help you to know that some of your not-so-happily-married friends are probably jealous of your single status?
Chin up…I have to agree with an earlier poster who said the the right man for you is probably still out there waiting and looking just like you. Shopping for the perfect dress or the perfect man are not all that different–you can never find one when you really (think) you need it, but comes a time when you’re not really looking and you least expect it, and there it is right in front of you. Give your friend a big hug and kiss, wish him/her well and say a sincere prayer at the wedding for them–you’ll feel a whole lot better if you let go of the jealousy and share in your friend’s happiness just like you’ll want her to do for you someday.
haha, that could be true too. Some might think “huh oh, my happy life is over”.
hug to you!
I’ve been in your shoes before … was at a friend’s daughter’s wedding, and wanted to shoot myself! I was in a dead end relationship … and the last thing I wanted to see was a happy couple! It reminded me of how miserable I was …
flash forward 3 or 4 years …
I’m happily married, with a wonderful DH, and 2 gorgeous children …
God has plans for all of us …but sometimes it’s difficult to stay on that path without being envious.
prayers going up…
As a never-married, middle-aged single woman, I would say to you, “Trust God that what He wants for your life is BEST and that He loves you best!”
Maybe He will send you a husband, and soon. Maybe he won’t.
In my own case, Our Eucharistic Lord showed me that it is not my vocation to marry, but to instead pray for those who are married.
You being a unique individual, the Lord knows His plan for you … You may end up meeting the right man very soon. When and if it happens is up to Divine Providence as far as what will be the best thing for your soul and for the greater glory of God.
Just trust that He loves you, and do continue to pray about it!
~~ the phoenix
I used to be jealous of friends who have big families. At some point I realized that if I had a larger family I couldn’t serve the Church the way I do.
If you pray and know you are doing God’s will, that’s really the best you can do! Only God knows what tomorrow will bring.
Everyone’s situation is different, All I can do is tell you my experience. I have no brothers or sisters, but I have a cousin with whom I had a sibling-type rivalry growing up. We were always envious of each other. When I was in my 20’s, my cousin was a nurse, living in Hawaii and engaged to a nice young man who was serving in the Navy. I, on the other hand, was stuck in a dead-end job in a large department store even though I had a college degree, and I had no prospects for marriage. I felt consumed with envy for her. One day, while I was filling orders in a stockroom, there between the shelves of coffee and tea, the feeling of envy became overwhelming. I stopped and said to God, “Lord, I don’t want to go on feeling like this.” And right then and there, the feeling of envy left me. I have not felt envious of her since. As time went on, I eventually got a better job, got married, and was blessed with three children. So, as the other posters have said, trust in God. He has plans for you.
I think it’s very human to feel that way. Don’t be hard on yourself although if it’s causing sin because of preoccupation with it, you know what you can do.
It wasn’t till I realized that God probably wanted me to be single and I finally felt comfortable with it that I found my wife at a Cursillo. She was about to decide she had a vocation as a nun till she met me.
Now 22 years and four kids later we’re going strong. Hadn’t always been easy but I gotta belive it’s what God wants.
If it’s not too personal, may I ask how He “showed” you? Thanks.
Many people, maybe mostly women, seem to think that marriage is the way to happiness. Well it’s not! You can be married and still miserable. What is important is to follow the will of God. So many people get married for the wrong reasons. They have this vision of what a marriage is like and then of course for a lot of people the whole idea of a fabolous wedding is also pretty alluring.
On an intellectual level, I know that. When you’re parents are divorced, it’s hard not to know that. But on an emotional level, it’s still hard to remember. That’s a big part of the problem.
BTW, love your signature quote. So true.
Why do you say it’s unlikely you’ll get married? Do you feel a call to the religious life? Otherwise, you have plenty of time to meet the right guy! All things are possible with God! Pray to Him, and He will fill your deepest desires, whether through a wonderful husband or not. I think it’s normal to be a bit jealous in this situation. As long as you’re not being envious, i.e. wishing it was you getting married and NOT your friend, as opposed to just wishing you could be getting married, too, don’t worry about it. Realistically, even if every single person who God called to the religious and single lives followed that call, the majority of people would still be called to the married life. Chances are, you’ll get married someday, if that is what you feel called to. Trust in the Lord!
You are **twenty-three **according to your profile. So, what do you do? Stop having a pity party.
Work on you and making yourself the best you can be regardless of the state of life you find yourself in. Give your time, talent, and treasure to the glory of God.
Pray for discernment of your vocation. It is normal to feel a sense of longing for marriage if it’s your true vocation. But, at 23 pardon me if I just cannot feel compassion for your sense of desparation.
Marriage is not about finding someone to fill a hole and make you complete. It’s not about having a wedding day.
It’s about giving 100% of your *whole *self to another person in sacrifice. If you are not yet 100% whole on your own, then you are not ready for marriage.
Well first, the solution to jealousy is always contentment. Be happy with what you have now, wanting nothing, and you’ll find you have no reason to be jealous. I know, easier to say than to do, but that’s how things start. Second, you aren’t even 24 yet. Most 23 year old women aren’t married so it’s way too early to start abandoning all hope. The last thing to consider is simply the question, are you not getting dates or just not the dates you want? If you find yourself rejecting most of the guys that ask you out it would tend to be the later. In that case it’s simply a matter of needing to give people a chance. However, I just think what you’re encountering is the fact that most guys in your age range aren’t interested in getting married yet.
It’s normal to feel a little jealous, but just don’t let it show. You will find your prince charming soon. Just have fun now that you are single, and enjoy your friend’s wedding. Maybe you will find someone there. Good Luck!
Try to remember that your self worth, value as a human being, self respect and self confidence all come from your relationship with God and not your boyfriend/spouse. You are never truly alone as long as you believe Jesus is by your side. So many women and men don’t know this or understand this and even I forget it from time to time. Alot of people just want to be married because they seek their self worth and societal validation in marriage. They never stop to think how much of a sacrifice it is, whether they can truly meet the needs of the other person or if they really genuinely love the other person. Even Jesus said it was okay to be single.
That being said though, I’m single and I understand how you feel. But remember sometimes people have to sacrifice alot of themselves to get to the altar, too. Who they are, maybe their values (i.e. feeling pressured to live together or have sex before marriage when they don’t want to just to hold onto their man).
You know what, I catch the bouqet at every wedding I go to!! (I know the secret!!) My whole house is decorated with flowers from the bouqets I’ve caught. I still have the bouqets and they’ve outlasted some of my friends marriages. It’s a lot sadder for me when their marriages split up after two or three years. And then I remember that I was a little envious of them when they got married and then I really start feeling bad because I wasn’t more supportive.