I am recently married. While my husband and I were dating, I learned that he had had two children with a previous girlfriend ten years ago when he was quite young. These children live with their mother in another country, and they are 10 and 9 now. He speaks to them on the phone every few weeks and sees them when he flies to his home country, which is rarely. I was upset when I first learned about them, but I’m not anymore. We have all made mistakes in our past, and at the time he handled it very well (he wanted to get married, was refused, etc. The story is complicated.) The children’s mother doesn’t let him communicate with them very often, and I while I will probably meet them at some point, they will most likely never be a big part of my life. He doesn’t have any sort of relationship with their mother now, except to schedule visits when he is home. She is married and has another child.
I’m pregnant now, and what bothers me is that he had these children with another woman, and so he shared the incredibly intimate experience of birth with someone else. I am having my first child, but he is not having his, and I’m worried that somehow this will taint it for me. It bothers me that he’s done it all before, and so he doesn’t have much interest in reading baby books with me or learning about birth. He keeps giving me advice for problems I have with my pregnancy, and I know that he knows it only because he experienced the pregnancy of this girlfriend, and so I’m jealous. Having a baby is really special and amazing for me, and I don’t feel that it is as important for him, though maybe I am imagining that, or maybe it is just his personality. We have talked about this a lot. He is always very understanding, and our relationship is great in general, but I just can’t get over this. He says that this pregnancy is different, that he was really unhappy when his daughter was born, that he’s happy to have a baby with me, etc. I know there isn’t any way for him to erase his past and so I have to come to terms with it before it starts causing real problem in our relationship. But how do I do that? What should he do? Am I being too sensitive?
I’m also jealous when he communicates with his kids, and I regret that I’m jealous. He is trying to be a good father, even though he is so far away, and I think he should have a relationship with his kids. If anyone is blameless, it is them. He doesn’t usually tell me when he’s spoken with his kids, and since they speak in a language I can’t understand, I have no idea what they’re talking about even if I’m there. I feel left out of this part of his life, but at the same time, I have an inclination to want to ignore everything and pretend like these kids don’t exist.
So basically, I am jealous that he was at the birth of his children (this is the one that really bothers me), I’m jealous that they have a relationship, and I’m jealous that they even exist. What should I do?
Any advice would be helpful, but if anyone else has a spouse who has children, I would especially appreciate your advice. God bless.