I have posted under a different name for years on this site... I am so ashamed about this I wanted a different name. I am truly hoping to get some advice, please be brutally honest.
I am married to a wonderful man. we are in our late 20's and have one child. before we met we both had premarital sex. I did it in a few long relationships that I thought would head me towards marriage. I was raised in the church and for some reason rebelled in college and that's when I went down the wrong path. my husband was not raised in the church but converted before we got married, when I decided to return as well. He had sexual relationships much more casually, his longest relationship (prior to me) ending at 6 months, but had alot of partners. He also did the porn/strip club thing, and more that I don't want to know about when he was over seas in the military. he (usually after a few drinks) TOLD me details about his past relationships that no girl needs to know. we dated (sexually actively) for over 4 years, cohabitated, before we decided to marry. when we started our marriage prep, we quit that and we (me especially) became much closer to God and very much involved with the church. we tried to use NFP but still concieved a child shortly after we were married, and have had a relitavely normal marriage aside from the ugly sexual history.
He is a good good guy and loves me and our child with all his heart. he would never cheat on me and takes great care of us. I love him the same way.
the problem I have wrestled with for YEARS is that I have an extream jealousy over his past relationships, especially now with my post-baby weight gain... I constantly compare myself to the other girls in his past, even though I don't know them. We recently moved and now live in the house he grew up in, in his home town. so I can't even see a girl in the walmart without wondering if they've been together....... I can't drive down a road without wondering who he was driving down that road with before... his family jokes about girls he's been with in the past... I think I need to talk to a pschyatrist but don't have the money! I need to get over this, because he is a good man and we have a good marriage but this is eating at me inside and I'm afraid it will rot our marriage. I know jealousy is a sin, I have gone to confession but it doesn't seem to help. I am too chicken to talk to my priest at the moment, is there maybe a place I can go/call anonymously? (that's why I love CAF!)
I soooooooooo know now why you are supposed to be chaste before marriage and wish with all my heart I could do it all over again. after talking with him about my feelings, so does he. but that doesn't change anything that happened and I would love some ideas on making myself move past his past and be happy here. :o
THANK YOU and PEACE to everyone this season!