I am unemployed and loosing confidence in myself. Everytime I go for an interview, it is a stressful experience and I always end up leaving by beating myself up thinking I acted stupid. The event is always so stressful, it is such a blur I rarely remember what I even said.
I want to trust in God, but I never hear his voice.
I have a good education and a good resume, yet I am so stuck and this is not the first time in my life I am in this situation. I am loosing energy to persevere.
However, here is my question. I always though as a Catholic, I should be grateful for what I have and accept God's will. That I should not go for the money but accept the job God wants me in. So, when jobs below my skills level would come up, I would take then saying to myself 'Just be grateful for what God is giving you'
Well...... a while back I took a job that was not high paying thinking if it covered the rent and groceries, a Catholic would be grateful. Then, I was working with people who were obviously a lot less qualified than me. It did not work out. I see ways where I could have been more diplomatic in what I said. But nonetheless, there were times I just had to speak up.
For example, everyone was so busy, they did not have time to train me. So I would take notes and use my notes to figure things out. They would get angry at me for that. Once, I was suppose to do a task with 'Erica' so she could see where my level of training was and I wanted to bring my notes to make sure everything was written down properly. I was told 'You don't need notes since Erica will be there to answer your questions'.
When I tried to reply, 'yes but this way I will be able to go to my desk and practice alone and not take her time' I was told 'we don't use our notes when we practice and once you are trained there will be no time to read notes' When I said 'I understand and after I have a bit more experience I won't need my notes, they are just to get me through the first little while to get up to speed', they told the manager I had an attitude.
Also, when they will use a paper and pencil to do a calculation that I can do in Excel, they resent me using Excel saying 'we do it by hand here'. I don't think it is moral to take 4 hours to do what I can do in Excel in 15 minutes. That is not being a good steward to the salary my boss gives me IMO.
Also, I like to see the whole picture to be able to perform the best job possible. They just tell me how to do it and when I asks questions to understand the theory behind the process, they look at me as if I am a nut. I can help but think that because these people don't have the same drive as me, they don't think that far and when I ask questions, they resent being challenged because it brings out in the open they have been there for years and have not questionned anything and I can think of these things in 5 mintues.
So, I am starting to think I am suppose to wait it out until a job at my skill level comes available. Well....... a lot of people say to me 'Angie, you need a pay check just take the job, act like you are stupid and do as your peers say'. But how can I move up the latter if the boss sees me 'acting like I am stupid'. The boss will think I AM stupid and not promote me.
I am starting to think that maybe, I was thinking all wrong that God just wants me in a low paying job thanking Him every day. Perhaps He gave me the abilities I have because He does want me to work at the level of my skills. Perhaps it is a low self-esteem thing? Perhaps I have always self sabotaged myself due to low self esteem