Jokes/Puns you would like to share

found this on wnd.com

A guy walks into a post office one day and sees a middle-aged man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and sprays perfume all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the man and asks what he is doing. The man says, “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’”

“But why?” asks the man.

“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.

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I remember my very first joke I learned from a book, after I was old enough to comprehend them …

What’s worse than finding a worm in an apple?
Finding half of a worm in an apple. :rofl:

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I called my son to see how he was doing and he said he was hanging out with friends. I said ‘oh did you rent them?’

He had me on speaker phone and in the background I heard laughter. He told me that his friends thought that it was a great dad joke.

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There was a little lad who had to start school .

His parents didn’t have any particular religious beliefs , but they still sent him to the Church of England school…it just happened to be the nearest .

On the first day home from school the lad was whinging and crying …like some lads do .

This went on for a week , and his mum and dad had to put up with a weekend of tantrums .

Monday came , and the lad went off to school…so they thought .

On Tuesday they received a message from the school …" Why was Bobby absent from school yesterday ? "…of course , the little monkey had been playing truant .

Mum and dad weren’t at all happy , so they got Bobby into the nearby Methodist school .

He was there a week , and there seemed to be no problems .

Another week went by…still no problems .

But on the Wednesday of the third week they received a message from school…" Why was Bobby not in school on Monday and Tuesday ? " …truanting again .

Bobby said , " I just hate schools …I never , ever want to go again . "

Mum and dad were at their wit’s end . So they opted for the local Catholic school .

Screaming and shouting , they had to drag him there , but they got him inside eventually

A week went by…no sign of trouble . A second week went by…no messages from school .

At the end a month without problems mum and dad asked Bobby ," Well , son , you seem to like it at the Catholic school . Are you enjoying it ? "

Bobby stood silent …grimaced …shook his head …and then blurted out , " I just hate it , but the last guy who tried to get out from there is still nailed to the classroom wall . And I ain’t gonna end up like him ! "

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EVER WONDER where we are headed…

Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin?

Why women can’t put on mascara
with their mouth closed?

Why you don’t ever see the headline:
“Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why “abbreviated” is such a long word?

Why Doctors call what they do a “practice”?

Why you have to click on “Start”
to stop Windows 98?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a “Broker”?

Why there isn’t mouse-flavoured cat food?

Who actually tastes dog food when it has a
“new & improved” flavour?

Why Noah didn’t swat those two mosquitoes?

Why they sterilise the needle for lethal injections?

Why they don’t make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box?

Why sheep don’t shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when
they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro,
is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why they call the airport “the terminal”
if flying is so safe?
AND…

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Myer hairdryer:
“Do not use while sleeping”.
(Darn, and that’s the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Chips:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.(The shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Palmolive soap:
“Directions: Use like regular soap”.
(And that would be how???)

On some frozen dinners:
“Serving suggestion: Defrost”.
(But, it’s just a suggestion).

On Nanna’s Tiramisu dessert
(printed on bottom):
“Do not turn upside down”.
(Well…duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
“Product will be hot after heating”.
(And you thought???..)

On packaging for a K-Mart iron:
“Do not iron clothes on body”.
(But wouldn’t this save me more time?)

On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine:
“Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication”.(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
“Warning: May cause drowsiness”.
(And…I’m taking this because???)

On most brands of Christmas lights:
“For indoor or outdoor use only”.
(As opposed to…what?)

On a Japanese food processor:
“Not to be used for the other use”.
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I’m a bit curious.)

On Nobby’s peanuts:
“Warning: contains nuts”.
(Talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
“Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts”.
(Step 3: maybe, uh…fly Delta?)

I don’t blame the company, I blame the parents for this one:
On a child’s superman costume:
“Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly”.

On a Swedish chainsaw:
“Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals”.
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal
and a bottle of wine they lay down in their tent for the night and went to
sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake.
“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?” Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and
potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe Saturn is in
Leo. Logically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past
three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are
small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a
beautiful day tomorrow…
“Is that all?”, Holmes asked.
“Yes.” Watson replied. “Why, am I missing something?”.
Holmes was quiet for a moment, then spoke: “Watson, you idiot . Someone
has stolen the darned tent.”

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wnd’s Joke of the Day. Here is today’s offering:

A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked out to have a talk with him.

“I’ve figured out your problem,” he told the pitcher. “You always lose control at the same point in every game.”

“When is that?” asked the rookie.

“Right after the national anthem.”

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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“Hunting flies,” he responded.

“Oh, killed any?” she asked.

“Yep, 3 males and 2 females,” he replied.

“How can you tell them apart?” she asked.

“Easy, 3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone.”

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The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, “What’s with that guy over there by the wall?”
The clerk says, “Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative.”

The owner says, “You idiot! You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”

The clerk says, “Oh yeah? Look at him, he’s afraid to cough!”

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Did you hear about the fire at the campground?

It was intense.

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image

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A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, jackasses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”

“Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”

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Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.

“You’re not allowed to pee in the pool,” says the lifeguard. “I’m going to report you.”

“But everyone pees in the pool,” said little Johnny.

“Maybe,” says the lifeguard. “But not from the diving board!”

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An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doc’ said they were physically OK but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them to remember things. They thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night, while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, ‘Where are you going?’
He replied, ‘To the kitchen.’
She asked, ‘Will you get me a bowl of ice-cream?’
He replied, ‘Sure.’
She then asked him, ‘Don’t you think you should write it down so that you can remember it?’
He said, ‘No, I can remember that.’
She then said, ‘Well I would also like some strawberries. You had better write it down because I know you’ll forget that.’
He said, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice-cream with strawberries.’
She replied, ‘I would also like some whipped cream on the top. I know you’ll forget that, so you had better write it down.’
With irritation in his voice, he said, ‘I don’t need to write that down! I can remember that!’
He then stormed off into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:

‘I TOLD you to write it down! You have forgotten my toast!’

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Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, known as “squawks,” submitted by RAF pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.
P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action recorded by the engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers
lack normal seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

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Love it!

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This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a French naval ship with British authorities off the coast of England in October, 1995.

French: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

British: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

French: This is the Captain of a French Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

British: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

French: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER FOCH, THE LARGEST SHIP IN THE FRENCH FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT’S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

British: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

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Proof if proof were needed that everyone is insane except us.

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1 Like

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer:
May I see your driver’s licence?

Driver:
I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer:
May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?

Driver:
It’s not my car. I stole it.

Officer:
The car is stolen?

Driver:
That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in
the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer:
There’s a gun in the glove box?

Driver:
Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer:
There’s a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver:
Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain:
Sir, can I see your licence?

Driver:
Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain:
Whose car is this?

Driver:
It’s mine, officer. Here’s the owner’s card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain:
Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?

Driver:
Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain:
Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there’s a body in it.

Driver:
No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain:
I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver:
Yeah, I’ll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too .

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