Why did the scarecrow get promoted?
Because it was outstanding in its field. – Siri
Why did the scarecrow get promoted?
Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”
Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, “What are you doing?” “Playing a game,” the boy replied. “What is your name?” the officer questioned. “Mind Your Own Business.” Furious the policeman inquired, “Are you looking for trouble?!” The boy replied, “Why, yes.”
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, “I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.” She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word “comfortable.” Skeptical, the operator asks, “How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?” The redhead replies, "She’s a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.This text will be blurred
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?” The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?” The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?” The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”
The first testicular guard, the ‘Cup’, was used in hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.
That means it only took 100 years for men to realise that their brain is also important.
“Why are you standing out in the corn at night?” the woman asked her Texas Aggie farmer husband.
" I’m trying for the Nobel Prize," Aggie said.
“How are you going to get the Nobel Prize?”
“Somebody told me they give it to those who are out standing in their field.”
What’s the only thing that works after it’s been retired?
A car! – Siri
A couple were Christmas shopping.
The shopping centre was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she
was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and hence, she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a quiet voice he said, “Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn’t afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?”
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, “Yes, I do remember that shop.”
He replied, “Well, I’m in the pub next door.”
And now, he’s at home in the dog’s house.
I have kleptomania…
…When it gets bad, I have to take something for it.
Are those supposed to be funny?
I went to the shop and bought 10 bees,
I came back with 11.
The other one was a freebee
Some of those later religious jokes are actually funny.
Q: How do we know there are no women in Heaven?
A: Rev 8:1:
When the Lamb opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven for about half an hour
Not nice …
How do we know God has a sense of humor?
He created US, some of the silliest beings on earth.
He created the Aardvark – the most ridiculous looking mammal in the animal kingdom.
He created a large blooming flower that stinks so badly it attracts flies.
Yep, God was having some fun when he came up with those.
What happened when Moses had a headache?
God gave him some tablets.
A husband went to the police station to file a “Missing person report” for his missing wife:
HUSBAND:- Iv’e lost my wife, she went shopping and hasn’t come back yet.
INSPECTOR:- What is her height?.
HUSBAND:- I never really checked.
INSPECTOR:- Slim or healthy?.
HUSBAND:- Slim, but not healthy.
INSPECTOR:- Colour of her eyes?.
HUSBAND:- Never took much notice.
INSPECTOR:- Colour of hair?.
HUSBAND:- Changes according to season.
INSPECTOR:- What was she wearing?,
HUSBAND:- Not sure whether it was a dress or suit.
INSPECTOR:- Was she driving?.
INSPECTOR:- What is the number, name and colour of the car?..
HUSBAND:- Black Audi 8, with superchared 3.0 litre engine, generating 333 horse power, teamed with an eight speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. It has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions, and has a very thin light scratch on the left door… He then started to cry.
INSPECTOR:- Don’t worry sir,…we will find your car.