Jokes/Puns you would like to share

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, “I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.” She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word “comfortable.” Skeptical, the operator asks, “How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?” The redhead replies, "She’s a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.This text will be blurred

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?” The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?” The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?” The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”

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The first testicular guard, the ‘Cup’, was used in hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

That means it only took 100 years for men to realise that their brain is also important.

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“Why are you standing out in the corn at night?” the woman asked her Texas Aggie farmer husband.

" I’m trying for the Nobel Prize," Aggie said.

“How are you going to get the Nobel Prize?”

“Somebody told me they give it to those who are out standing in their field.”

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What’s the only thing that works after it’s been retired?
A car! – Siri

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A couple were Christmas shopping.

The shopping centre was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she
was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and hence, she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a quiet voice he said, “Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn’t afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?”

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, “Yes, I do remember that shop.”

He replied, “Well, I’m in the pub next door.”

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And now, he’s at home in the dog’s house.
.

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I have kleptomania…

…When it gets bad, I have to take something for it.

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Here’s some great Franciscan humor!

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Are those supposed to be funny?

I love Breaking in the habit!!

Here is another video.

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I went to the shop and bought 10 bees,
I came back with 11.

The other one was a freebee

  • Siri
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Some of those later religious jokes are actually funny.

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Q: How do we know there are no women in Heaven?

A: Rev 8:1:

When the Lamb opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven for about half an hour

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Not nice …

How do we know God has a sense of humor?

He created US, some of the silliest beings on earth.

He created the Aardvark – the most ridiculous looking mammal in the animal kingdom.

He created a large blooming flower that stinks so badly it attracts flies.

Yep, God was having some fun when he came up with those.

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What happened when Moses had a headache?
God gave him some tablets.

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A husband went to the police station to file a “Missing person report” for his missing wife:

HUSBAND:- Iv’e lost my wife, she went shopping and hasn’t come back yet.

INSPECTOR:- What is her height?.

HUSBAND:- I never really checked.

INSPECTOR:- Slim or healthy?.

HUSBAND:- Slim, but not healthy.

INSPECTOR:- Colour of her eyes?.

HUSBAND:- Never took much notice.

INSPECTOR:- Colour of hair?.

HUSBAND:- Changes according to season.

INSPECTOR:- What was she wearing?,

HUSBAND:- Not sure whether it was a dress or suit.

INSPECTOR:- Was she driving?.

HUSBAND:-Yes.

INSPECTOR:- What is the number, name and colour of the car?..

HUSBAND:- Black Audi 8, with superchared 3.0 litre engine, generating 333 horse power, teamed with an eight speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. It has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions, and has a very thin light scratch on the left door… He then started to cry.

INSPECTOR:- Don’t worry sir,…we will find your car.

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Country music is all about hurt, loss, and heartbreak.

And then there are the sad songs!

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A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted. – Siri

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In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.

‘I’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad news,’ he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain".

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news…

After a time, someone asked, ‘How much will a brain cost?’

The doctor quickly responded, ‘$5,000 for a male brain; $200 for a female brain.’

The moment turned awkward. Some of the men actually had to try to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the women.

A man, unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, ‘Why is the male brain so much more than a female brain?’

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, ‘It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the female brains a lot lower because they’ve been used.’

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