Jokes/Puns you would like to share

Not nice …

How do we know God has a sense of humor?

He created US, some of the silliest beings on earth.

He created the Aardvark – the most ridiculous looking mammal in the animal kingdom.

He created a large blooming flower that stinks so badly it attracts flies.

Yep, God was having some fun when he came up with those.

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What happened when Moses had a headache?
God gave him some tablets.

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A husband went to the police station to file a “Missing person report” for his missing wife:

HUSBAND:- Iv’e lost my wife, she went shopping and hasn’t come back yet.

INSPECTOR:- What is her height?.

HUSBAND:- I never really checked.

INSPECTOR:- Slim or healthy?.

HUSBAND:- Slim, but not healthy.

INSPECTOR:- Colour of her eyes?.

HUSBAND:- Never took much notice.

INSPECTOR:- Colour of hair?.

HUSBAND:- Changes according to season.

INSPECTOR:- What was she wearing?,

HUSBAND:- Not sure whether it was a dress or suit.

INSPECTOR:- Was she driving?.

HUSBAND:-Yes.

INSPECTOR:- What is the number, name and colour of the car?..

HUSBAND:- Black Audi 8, with superchared 3.0 litre engine, generating 333 horse power, teamed with an eight speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. It has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions, and has a very thin light scratch on the left door… He then started to cry.

INSPECTOR:- Don’t worry sir,…we will find your car.

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Country music is all about hurt, loss, and heartbreak.

And then there are the sad songs!

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A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted. – Siri

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In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.

‘I’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad news,’ he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain".

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news…

After a time, someone asked, ‘How much will a brain cost?’

The doctor quickly responded, ‘$5,000 for a male brain; $200 for a female brain.’

The moment turned awkward. Some of the men actually had to try to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the women.

A man, unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, ‘Why is the male brain so much more than a female brain?’

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, ‘It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the female brains a lot lower because they’ve been used.’

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I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper.

I think he must be plotting something.


Me- Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?

Alexa- apple juice


I quit my new job as a mailman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.

I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”


a woman tells her husband

Honey, one of your shoes is black, and the other is brown!"

He said

, “Yes, I noticed it myself. I went to change but when I looked in the closet, the only other pair I had was also one black and one brown”


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If a man makes a statement and no woman hears it is he still wrong?

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At my age, getting lucky is when I walk into a room and remember why I went there.

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An arrogant farmer from Texas visits his brother, a farmer living in Idaho. He’s constantly bragging about how everything is Texas is so much bigger and better. While showing him around his 1000 acre Idaho farm, the arrogant brother says, “You outta see my farm. I get in my truck and drive for three hours just to get all the way around it.” The brother, having enough said, “I’m sorry. I used to have a truck like that, too.”

3 Likes

When I first read this, I thought it you meant Americans!?!?!:laughing::laughing::laughing::laughing::laughing::laughing::blush:

1 Like

A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man’s car. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt.

After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; “Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”

The man replied,” I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!”

The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

She replies, “Nah. I think I’ll just wait for the police

1 Like

A commercial airline was traveling when an engine went out. The flight captain made an announcement to everyone that an engine was out but no cause for alarm. It still had three good engines. The flight would just be about a half hour late.

A short time passes and the pilot announced that a second engine had gone out. He assured everyone that they were safe and that the plane could operate fine with two engines but the flight would be an hour late.

A short time passes and the captain makes another announcement. He assures everyone that the plane can operate safely with one engine but they would have to travel very slowly and the plane would arrive at the destination about two hours late.

One of the passengers looks at the guy in the seat next to him and says, “I sure hope the fourth engine doesn’t go out or we’re going to be up here all day.”

3 Likes

Yesterday, my husband thought he saw a
disgusting cockroach in the kitchen. He sprayed
everything down and cleaned every inch thoroughly.
Today I am putting the cockroach
in the bathroom…

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An older couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones.

The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.

The husband texted back to her:

“I’m on the toilet. Please advise.”

3 Likes

Real Story that happened at work a while back with a nice lady who had a reputation for being a little bit “dingy”, so to speak.

Tommy: “Did you have a nice weekend?”

Anne: “Yes, I bought some new tires for my car”.

Tommy: “What brand of tire did you get, out of curiosity?”

Anne (with a confused look on her face): “Well, Uh, brand new”.

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So my coronavirus dentist only has curbside service

I went to the curb, put a coin in the meter, and took my chair…

The dentist appeared and so I asked him, “do i need to remove my mask?”

He said, " No. I dont like your face."

2 Likes

Beer does not make you FAT …

  • it makes you LEAN …

against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.

7 Likes
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