Jokes/Puns you would like to share

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where a family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.

‘I’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad news,’ he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain".

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news…

After a time, someone asked, ‘How much will a brain cost?’

The doctor quickly responded, ‘$5,000 for a male brain; $200 for a female brain.’

The moment turned awkward. Some of the men actually had to try to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the women.

A man, unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, ‘Why is the male brain so much more than a female brain?’

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, ‘It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the female brains a lot lower because they’ve been used.’


I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper.

I think he must be plotting something.

Me- Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?

Alexa- apple juice

I quit my new job as a mailman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.

I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”

a woman tells her husband

Honey, one of your shoes is black, and the other is brown!"

He said

, “Yes, I noticed it myself. I went to change but when I looked in the closet, the only other pair I had was also one black and one brown”


If a man makes a statement and no woman hears it is he still wrong?

1 Like

At my age, getting lucky is when I walk into a room and remember why I went there.


An arrogant farmer from Texas visits his brother, a farmer living in Idaho. He’s constantly bragging about how everything is Texas is so much bigger and better. While showing him around his 1000 acre Idaho farm, the arrogant brother says, “You outta see my farm. I get in my truck and drive for three hours just to get all the way around it.” The brother, having enough said, “I’m sorry. I used to have a truck like that, too.”


When I first read this, I thought it you meant Americans!?!?!:laughing::laughing::laughing::laughing::laughing::laughing::blush:

1 Like

A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man’s car. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt.

After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; “Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”

The man replied,” I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!”

The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

She replies, “Nah. I think I’ll just wait for the police

1 Like

A commercial airline was traveling when an engine went out. The flight captain made an announcement to everyone that an engine was out but no cause for alarm. It still had three good engines. The flight would just be about a half hour late.

A short time passes and the pilot announced that a second engine had gone out. He assured everyone that they were safe and that the plane could operate fine with two engines but the flight would be an hour late.

A short time passes and the captain makes another announcement. He assures everyone that the plane can operate safely with one engine but they would have to travel very slowly and the plane would arrive at the destination about two hours late.

One of the passengers looks at the guy in the seat next to him and says, “I sure hope the fourth engine doesn’t go out or we’re going to be up here all day.”


Yesterday, my husband thought he saw a
disgusting cockroach in the kitchen. He sprayed
everything down and cleaned every inch thoroughly.
Today I am putting the cockroach
in the bathroom…


An older couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones.

The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.

The husband texted back to her:

“I’m on the toilet. Please advise.”


Real Story that happened at work a while back with a nice lady who had a reputation for being a little bit “dingy”, so to speak.

Tommy: “Did you have a nice weekend?”

Anne: “Yes, I bought some new tires for my car”.

Tommy: “What brand of tire did you get, out of curiosity?”

Anne (with a confused look on her face): “Well, Uh, brand new”.



So my coronavirus dentist only has curbside service

I went to the curb, put a coin in the meter, and took my chair…

The dentist appeared and so I asked him, “do i need to remove my mask?”

He said, " No. I dont like your face."


Beer does not make you FAT …

  • it makes you LEAN …

against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.


A man walks by an wall and hears “71! 71! 71!”, he ignores it and in the next day he hears it again, “71! 71! 71!”, that becomes a routine, everyday on his way to work he hears people screaming 71 behind that wall, he got tired of it and bought a ladder to see what was going on, when he got to the top of the tall wall someone hits him in the head and he falls, then the people start to scream “72! 72! 72!”.


A group of Texas Aggies go into a bar whooping it up and yelling “23! 23! 23!!!”

The barkeep asked the lead Aggie what that number meant.

“Well, there’s this jigsaw puzzle labelled, ‘3 to 5 years,’ and we just solved it in 23 days!!!”


“Son, you’re just not cut out to be a mime”

“Why dad, is it something I said?”

The last four letters of ‘queue’ are not silent

They’re just waiting their turn.

Why do archaeologists get all the girls?

Because they have the best dating techniques.

The shovel was such a great invention.

It was truly groundbreaking.

What did digital clock say to Grandfather clock?

“Look Grandpa, no hands!”


“My wife and I had words, but I didn’t get to use any of mine”.


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

‘Careful,’ he said, ‘CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the Salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’

The wife stared at him. ‘What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’

The husband calmly replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.’


This is great! Unfortunately, I am out of likes for 29 more minutes.

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