Jokes/Puns you would like to share

I think circles are pointless.

2 Likes

I’m thinking of starting a social media
network for chickens.

But not as a full-time job, just as a way
to make hens meet. – Siri

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Pharaoh’s daughter went to the bank and pulled out a prophet.

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Just leave off the last name…
Then wait.
The longer it takes, the sweeter the payoff.

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The child of a military family was on their first day in a new school.

The other children at once began to heckle him: “Your mom wears army boots!” they crowed.

His answer: “Sure she does, doesn’t everybody’s???”

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Who can drink two liters of Gas?
jerry can.


What’s a pirates least favorite letter?

Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.


Bernie said he’s going to legalize marijuana on his first day in the White-house
On his second day he’ll legalize it everywhere else.


I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes…
She hugged me

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What’s Snoop Dogg’s favorite weather?

Cloudy with a chance of drizzle.

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I really enjoy telling Dad Jokes
Sometimes he laughs.


Saw a book on how to resolve 50% of your problems
I bought two


I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t have possibly been named before him


I changed our WiFi password to 2444666668888888!
Girlfriend: What’s the new password?

Me: 12345678. She’s not done figuring yet.


1 Like

I don’t tell jokes about fungi for a reason…

Too mushroom for error.


I went to the fairground recently and there was a man doing ‘Guess your weight’ so I stood in the queue and when it got to my turn

The man said “That was about 15 minutes”…


What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut?

A barbercue.


Last week I x-rayed a bird in Norway.

Yep. Scanned an avian.

3 Likes

These are puns – most of which are funny. I love puns. I love the freedom to be as corny as I wish, and still get some laughs. Thanks for sharing those.

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This just happened.

I got a scam call that from Concord, N.Y., that offered me a lower credit card interest rates. Just for grins, I decided to speak to an operator.

Me: What are you up to?
Operator (heavy foreign accent): I want to present you with a better credit card interest rate.
Me: So you’re a scammer?
Operator: No, madam, I am not a scammer.
Me: Yes. You’re a scammer and you fool no one. (Hangs up.)

@Cecilia_Dympna:

These phone scammers fool people into revealing their credit card numbers, and thereby steal huge amounts of money. Most of us ignore the calls. Naive people actually speak to the operators and get scammed.

I thought it would be amusing to confront one of the thieves.

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I don’t get it :disappointed:

I got a call from “Microsoft” telling me I had been infected. Of course they needed access immediately to my computer to “fix” the issue.

I quickly spun up a virtual machine running Linux.
I then let him spin around trying to figure out what was going on.

It was fun to watch.

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Simple. Scam calls are a joke – unless one falls for them.

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Sorry. I was searching for the pun.

I sometimes torment them too. I sometimes say, oh just give me a minute. And leaving them waiting for 15 mins or so until they give up.

I sometimes spin them daft stories about just having got out of prison. Or I pretend to be another person and say I’m dead.

Whilst I’m wasting their time they are not scamming someone else.

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There is an app that will answer these scam calls and talk to them while recording the conversation for you to listen to later. I don’t remember the name but a guy at work showed me it a while back and it was pretty funny listening to the call.

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Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, horrible atmosphere.


My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.


I hate the word pierce

Goes right through me


Today I quit drinking for good

now I only drink for evil

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What happened to the liver that got put into the mailbox?

It got delivered.

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Some cheesy pick-up lines:
Is your name Google? Because you have everything I’ve been searching for

Is it hot in here or is it just you

If you were a triangle you’d be acute one

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Hold up a pack of sugar and tell your waitress “Hey, you dropped your name tag”.

How many dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb? five, six, seven, eight!

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