Jokes/Puns you would like to share

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MUSLIMS, CATHOLICS and BAPTISTS

Muslims don’t recognize the divinity of Christ.

Catholics don’t recognize the prophecy of Mohammed.

Baptists don’t recognize each other in the liquor store.

3 Likes

My niece sat on my phone, now my reception stinks

2 Likes

Our LORD was confronted with the woman caught in adultery, and standing beside her, said, “Let them who have no sin be the first to cast a stone.”

Wham! A rock came flying and clipped the side of His head!

He yelled, “Come ON, Mom…!!!”

1 Like

After the COVID-19 pandemic winds down, we should honor truck drivers with a national holiday on October 4th.

A big 10-4, if you will.


To be frank,

I’d have to change my name.


The kids in my neighborhood are so rich

They are still TPing houses.


I went to the doctor for hearing problems.

He said, “Can you describe the symptoms?”

I said “Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair”


Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?

To make up for his miserable summer.

4 Likes

I knew someone who wrote a screenplay about the armored cavalry.

Sadly, the film tanked.

2 Likes

The King orders- to kneel!
:joy::grin:

1 Like

First April Fool’s joke of the day:

CONGRESS HAS JUST BALANCED THE NATIONAL BUDGET!

2 Likes

Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an amazon account?

They were prime mates


Man: “Nice dog!”
Policeman: “Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog.”

Man: “Still in training, huh?”

Policeman: “What do you mean?”

Man: “Never mind”


I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today

Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent


Turned 18 today, so I bought a locket and put my own picture in it. Guess I really am

Independent


4 Likes

That same person hired on at Grey Poupon, but he couldn’t cut the mustard.

2 Likes

I think that’s the same person who hired on at Heinz, but got fired in a couple weeks. Seems he got himself in a pickle.

3 Likes

He then signed on to be a human cannonball, but his first night on the job, got fired.

3 Likes

He really has had bad luck.He joined a tuna factory, and promptly got canned.

3 Likes

A very thrifty and clean man accidentally dropped a quarter into his toilet bowl. He looked at it, and found himself in a dilemma. On the one hand, he didn’t want to waste the quarter, but on the other hand, he didn’t want to reach into the toilet to get it out.

He thought about it for awhile, then took out a dime from his pocket and pitched it into the bowl beside the quarter.

Then he said to himself, “For a quarter, no. For thirty-five cents, yes.” And he fished both coins out of the bowl.

Problem solved.

1 Like

He then signed on with a burlap factory but got sacked.

3 Likes

As floodwaters rose in the street, a woman prayed for God to save her.

Just then, two men in a boat paddled up and offered to rescue her.

She said, “No thanks. God will save me.”

As waters rose, another two other men paddled up to the woman, who
was now knee deep in the water.

Again, she replied, “God will save me.”

Within minutes, the water was so high that she was forced to stand
on the roof to await Divine rescue. As the waters reached her ankles,
a helicopter hovered over her. A man descended on a rope and attempted
to strap a harness on her. But she struggled fiercely.

She was certain God would save her.

Just then, the floodwaters swept her away.

When she reached heaven, she asked God, “Why didn’t you save save me?”

A voice said: “I sent you two boats and helicopter."

1 Like

The same guy then tried to become an Olympic swimmer, but could not keep his head above water.

2 Likes

Isn’t that the same guy who failed as a lettuce farmer near the lake? He couldn’t keep his head above water there either.

1 Like

Just so everybody’s clear…

I’m going to put my glasses on…


True house cleaners aren’t just born…

they’re maid…


Marie Curie was a brilliant physicist but Einstein was exponentially smarter than her.

E = M.C.²


I had an A in English

And that’s how I failed the test


Emotional wedding

The cake was in tiers

2 Likes

“Marriage is a three-ring circus: the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.”

1 Like

What rock group has 4 members that can’t sing?

Mount Rushmore


What did the drummer name his daughters?

Anna 1, Anna 2, Anna 3


I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it’s a good thing I did…

…'cause I fell 7 times on the way home…


What do you get when you boil a funny bone?

A laughing stock.


I left my PC on all night and when I woke up, it was freezing

Turns out, I left the Windows open.

2 Likes
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