Jokes/Puns you would like to share

What did the Spanish firefighter name his twin boys?

Jose and Hose B.

3 Likes

I’m a 5G installation engineer and people are constantly accusing me with bizarre conspiracy theories, such as how 5G is giving them headaches, etc. I think they are completely crazy.

4G must’ve fried their brains.


Guy orders ten shots of whiskey and downs them bang! bang! bang! The bartender is like “Whoa whoa whoa why are you going so hard?”

the guy says “You’d drink like that too if you had what I have”

the bartender gasps and asks “Oh my what do you have?”

the guy says “Two dollars.”


Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?

Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B


And the award for best neckwear goes to…

…well would you look at that, it’s a tie.


This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall…

He asks the barman, “What is that?”

The barman says, “It’s a moose.”

The Scottish chap yells, How big are the cats!?"


1 Like

I’ve found dry erase boards to be remarkable.


A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.
The guy asks “what’s this about?”. the bartender replies, “well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone’s drinks for the next hour. You want to have a go?” The guy replies, “No thanks, the steaks are too high.”


How do you make a water bed more bouncy?

Add spring water


I made a clock. The big hand is a butcher’s knife, the small hand is a paring knife, and the clock face is a sharpening stone.

There’s never a dull moment.


Guess who I bumped into on my way to get my glasses fixed?

Everybody

1 Like

3 Likes

How do you turn Six into Nine?

Remove the S


Why is it so hard to get a qsn drive in the right way

shucks. I mean usb


What do you call an Irish baker?

A ginger bread man


The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed.


I got my friend a cake in the shape of Pac Man

At least that’s what I told him when he saw it.


4 Likes

I once knew an arrogant sponge.

he was very self absorbed.


English can be weird …

It can be understood through tough thorough thought though


When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French!” after a swear word…

I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French…


My partner keeps on having disturbing dreams, shouting things like “Hobbit!”, “Mordor!” and “Gandalf!”

Always Tolkien in their sleep…


As I expected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

2 Likes

The mother and father brought their 20-year-old son to the psychiatrist’s office.

“Doctor, our son thinks he’s a chicken.”

“Hmm, well, I see. When did this start?”

“Oh, about six years ago.”

“Good Lord! Why didn’t you bring him in sooner?”

(Sob!) “We needed the eggs.”

3 Likes

Wanna know how to confuse a calvinist? take him to the local buffet and tell him to choose whatever he wills.

4 Likes

I just discovered that the word “‌‌nothing” is a‌‌ palindrome…

Backwards it spells “‌‌gnihton”, which also means nothing.


Genie: “What’s your first wish?”

Steve: “I wish I was rich!”

Genie: “Okay, what’s your next wish?”

Rich: “I wish I had lots of money!”


Today is the last time I will see my 80-year-old grandpa

Because tomorrow he turns 81!


Did you know if you rearrange all the letters in Post Office

They get really annoyed


So I had an interview last year

The interviewer: Your answers should be quick

Me: Ok

Interviewer: what is 1490/52?

Me: quick

2 Likes

They operated on a guy to remove his entire left side.

He’s all right, now.

6 Likes

Guys, it’s raining cats and dogs outside

I think I stepped in a poodle


I was at the hospital and I walked into a surgeon’s office

“Can I help you?” He asked.
“I keep thinking that I’m a moth,” I replied.
“You probably want a Psychiatrist for that.”
“Yeah, I know.”
He looked confused. “Then why are you here?”
“The light was on.”


Never argue with a fictional character

Their minds are completely made up


I am terrified of elevators.

I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.


Why is your nose in the middle of your face?

Because it’s the scenter


Stop looking for the perfect match…

use a lighter.

2 Likes

Why is it unwise to tell secrets in a corn field?

Because it’s full of ears.

3 Likes

What did the grape day when it got stomped on?

Nothing; it just let out a little wine.

4 Likes

A friend of mine likes to take selfies of himself in the shower, but they always turn out blurry. He has selfie steam issues. – Siri

3 Likes

What was the name of the Italian homeless man?

Giovanni change

1 Like

You heard about the new pirate movie?

It’s rated ARRRRR!!!

4 Likes

What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like a fool?

Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.


A snail witnessed two turtles collide and have an accident. He was asked what he saw…

He said, “I’m not sure, it all happened so fast.”


I took the shell off of my racing snail in hopes that it would make him faster.

If anything, it just made him more sluggish.


Spin the Bottle

When I was a kid, all of us kids played ‘Spin the bottle’. A girl would spin the bottle. If it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a penny.

By the time I was 16, I owned my own house…


A friend of mine always helps me out with maps and diagrams, pointing out all the little symbols and what they mean …

The guy is a legend.


Do not use “BEEFSTEW” as a password

It’s not stroganoff

3 Likes

What do you call a horse with insomnia?
A nightmare.


The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was
Sir Circumference.


I hate spelling errors.
You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.


If you cannot find your dog, open the fridge door.
He’s standing right behind you.


What’s it called when a crab is walking to its part-time job?
A side hustle.


My friend can’t afford to p‌‌ay his water bill anymore so I‌‌ sent him a‌‌ card.
“‌‌Get w‌‌ell soon”


Are people born with photographic memories,
or does it take time to develop?


I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great,
but on the other, it’s just not right.


4 Likes

I tell it in the wrong order.
Why am I bad at telling jokes?


How did the trees feel when winter was finally over
Releafed


my friend and I are going to buy some glasses
Friend: after that?
Me: After that, we’ll see…


Guys I just bought a 256gb iPhone XR, my son dropped it and the screen shattered. Anyways, I am doing a giveaway!!
The kid is 7, cute, thin, and not really tall.


A young boy runs into the house and excitedly shows his mother a 50$ bill he found in the park.
Are you sure it was lost, his mother asked? Yes, the boy replied, I am positive, I even saw the guy looking for it.


2 Likes

Two goldfish are in a tank one says,
“Do you know how to drive this thing?”

4 Likes
DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.