Jokes/Puns you would like to share

Is it open season on Aggies? Okay.

You know the A in Texas A&M stands for Agricultural. So how did the Aggie spell farm?

E-I-E-I-O

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It’s always open season on Aggies!

Water polo is no longer played at Texas A&M, after two horses drowned.

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A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

‘What was that for?’ he asked.

‘That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,’ she replied.

‘Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,’ he explained.

‘Oh honey, I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I should have known there was a good explanation.’

Three days later he was watching the football on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, ‘What for heaven’s sake was that for?’

She replied…’Your horse just phoned’

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One of them became head honcho on that farm. His new title: CIEIO.

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Given that cats have nine lives, do they have to purr-ge between them?

Might that be in the meow version of the CATholic CATechism when it comes out?

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A Canadian lumber camp advertises for a lumberjack.

A skinny little guy shows up at the camp the next day carrying an axe.

The head lumberjack takes one look at the puny little guy and tells him to get lost.

“Give me a chance to show you what I can do,” says the skinny guy.

“Okay, see that giant redwood over there?” says the head lumberjack. “Take your axe and cut it down.”

The guy heads for the tree, and in five minutes he’s knocking on the lumberjack’s door.

“I cut the tree down,” says the guy.

The lumberjack can’t believe his eyes and says, “Where did you learn to chop down trees like that?”

“In the Sahara Forest,” says the puny man.

“You mean the Sahara Desert,” says the lumberjack.

“Sure…That’s what they call it now!”

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Hehehe :smile_cat:

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That’s just wrong.

Small Grandchild: Grandpa, how old are you?

Grandfather: I’m so old that I knew the Dead Sea when it was just sick.

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Seen in the Men’s Room:

We aim to please.
You aim too, please.

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Not nice!..

Three men die and go to Heaven.

St Peter is at the gate with his large ledger…he checks their names off, one by one.
He lets them through the gate and tells them that there are a lot of ducks in heaven…and the only rule is that they must not stand on a duck…he said if they did then the consequences would be severe.

After two weeks one of the chaps stands on a duck.
Within minutes St Peter was seen striding towards him…followed by the ugliest woman the man had ever seen.
St Peter tells the man that his punishment for this crime was to be attached to this ugly woman for all eternity.

Another couple of weeks go by and the second man steps on a duck.
St Peter turns up followed by an even uglier woman…he tells the man that he is to be saddled with the ugly woman for all eternity.

The third man was feeling very superior…more so when St Peter headed in his direction, this time followed by a beautiful woman, long blonde hair, stacked just right and attached this woman to the man.

He could not believe his luck.

He turned to the woman and said to her ‘Well, I don’t know what I have done to deserve this’

The woman looked him up and down and said ‘I do…I stood on a duck!’

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AGGIE PATENT APPLICATION #987654:

Parachute that automatically opens on impact.

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The Blonde GUY joke .

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, ‘Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I’m going to jump off this building.’

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, ‘Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too.’

The blonde opened his lunch and said, ‘Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I’m jumping too.’

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman’s wife was weeping. She said, ‘If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!’

The Mexican’s wife also wept and said, ‘I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.’

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde’s wife.

The blonde’s wife said, 'Don’t look at me. He makes his own lunch.’

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TEXAS AGGIE PATENT APPLICATION #876543:

Ejection seat for a submarine.

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I remember this was this app called ijokes which had great jokes like this one.

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TEXAS AGGIE PATENT APPLICATION # 765432

Solar-powered flashlight.

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers.

One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who had moved to Florida.

The first said “you know I had a big house built for mother." The second said “and I had a large theatre built in the house.” The third said “and I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her.”

The fourth said “you know how mum loved reading the Bible and you know she can’t read anymore because she can’t see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mother only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it.” The other brothers were impressed.

After the celebration their mother sent out her “Thank You” notes.

She wrote: “Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I still have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

“Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay at home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good though. Thanks.”

“Michael, you gave me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people but all of my friends are dead. I’ve lost my hearing, and I’m nearly blind. I’ll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.”

“Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give
a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much.”

Love Mother

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How is an East Texas divorce like a tornado?

In either event, somebody’s going to lose a trailer.

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Teacher: “Kids, what does the chicken give you?”
Student: “Meat!”
Teacher: “Very good! Now what does the pig give you?”
Student: “Bacon!”
Teacher: “Great! And what does the fat cow give you?”
Student: “Homework!”

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