A child asked his father, “How were people born?” So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.” The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.” The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!” His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn’t let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
Kid 1: “Hey, I bet you’re still a virgin.”
Kid 2: “Yeah, I was a virgin until last night .”
Kid 1: “As if.”
Kid 2: “Yeah, just ask your sister.”
Kid 1: “I don’t have a sister.”
Kid 2: “You will in about nine months.”
I tried to eat a clock the other day.
It was really time consuming. – Siri
I`ve just had some bad news .
After several trips to the docs and many tests I`ve just found out the wife is allergic to dogs.
I know this isn`t a rehoming site but I thought I’d give it a try first .
Anyway, her name is Susan, a pretty good cook and her favourite hobby is cleaning the house, she`s pretty good at ironing too.
Open to offers.
Why did the Star Wars movies come out 4-5-6, 1-2-3?
In charge of scheduling, I was.
Mechanic: “When were your tires last rotated?”
Me: “On the way here, silly.”
may be offensive to some
In china, they invented a machine that can capture thieves
They tested out the machine in china for a week and they caught 2 thieves. The following week the russians decided to test this machine in Moscow, they caught 10 thieves. Seeing the machine’s success, the Mexican government wanted to try this in the City of Mexico, they caught 400 thieves. Then the Americans caught interest and decided to test the machine in Detroit… They stole the machine
Interviewer: Do you have any question about the job that you are applying for?
Applicant: How much is the salary?
Interviewer: Initially $40,000. Later it could go up to $80,000
Applicant: I will start later then.
“Why is there music coming out of your printer?”
“That will be the paper jamming again!”
Q: Why are all the Barbies $9.99, but Divorce Barbie is $89.99?
A: Divorce Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s RV, Ken’s boat, and…
Automation never fails, never fails, never fails, never fails, never fails, never fails, never fails, never fails…
Why did the scarecrow get promoted?
Because it was outstanding in its field. – Siri
Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”
Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, “What are you doing?” “Playing a game,” the boy replied. “What is your name?” the officer questioned. “Mind Your Own Business.” Furious the policeman inquired, “Are you looking for trouble?!” The boy replied, “Why, yes.”
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, “I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.” She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word “comfortable.” Skeptical, the operator asks, “How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?” The redhead replies, "She’s a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.This text will be blurred
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?” The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?” The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?” The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”
The first testicular guard, the ‘Cup’, was used in hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.
That means it only took 100 years for men to realise that their brain is also important.
“Why are you standing out in the corn at night?” the woman asked her Texas Aggie farmer husband.
" I’m trying for the Nobel Prize," Aggie said.
“How are you going to get the Nobel Prize?”
“Somebody told me they give it to those who are out standing in their field.”
What’s the only thing that works after it’s been retired?
A car! – Siri
A couple were Christmas shopping.
The shopping centre was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she
was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and hence, she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a quiet voice he said, “Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn’t afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?”
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, “Yes, I do remember that shop.”
He replied, “Well, I’m in the pub next door.”
And now, he’s at home in the dog’s house.
I have kleptomania…
…When it gets bad, I have to take something for it.
Are those supposed to be funny?