Jokes you would like to share

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doc’ said they were physically OK but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them to remember things. They thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night, while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, ‘Where are you going?’
He replied, ‘To the kitchen.’
She asked, ‘Will you get me a bowl of ice-cream?’
He replied, ‘Sure.’
She then asked him, ‘Don’t you think you should write it down so that you can remember it?’
He said, ‘No, I can remember that.’
She then said, ‘Well I would also like some strawberries. You had better write it down because I know you’ll forget that.’
He said, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice-cream with strawberries.’
She replied, ‘I would also like some whipped cream on the top. I know you’ll forget that, so you had better write it down.’
With irritation in his voice, he said, ‘I don’t need to write that down! I can remember that!’
He then stormed off into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:

‘I TOLD you to write it down! You have forgotten my toast!’

2 Likes

This joke is from ever witty Venerable Archbishop Fulton Sheen.

The Archbishop was speaking when a baby began crying. The mother stood up to carry her baby out.

The Archbishop said: Madam, the child is not bothering me.
The mother said: No, you’re bothering the child.

Budda-BEENG!

3 Likes

There was a little lad who had to start school .

His parents didn’t have any particular religious beliefs , but they still sent him to the Church of England school…it just happened to be the nearest .

On the first day home from school the lad was whinging and crying …like some lads do .

This went on for a week , and his mum and dad had to put up with a weekend of tantrums .

Monday came , and the lad went off to school…so they thought .

On Tuesday they received a message from the school …" Why was Bobby absent from school yesterday ? "…of course , the little monkey had been playing truant .

Mum and dad weren’t at all happy , so they got Bobby into the nearby Methodist school .

He was there a week , and there seemed to be no problems .

Another week went by…still no problems .

But on the Wednesday of the third week they received a message from school…" Why was Bobby not in school on Monday and Tuesday ? " …truanting again .

Bobby said , " I just hate schools …I never , ever want to go again . "

Mum and dad were at their wit’s end . So they opted for the local Catholic school .

Screaming and shouting , they had to drag him there , but they got him inside eventually

A week went by…no sign of trouble . A second week went by…no messages from school .

At the end a month without problems mum and dad asked Bobby ," Well , son , you seem to like it at the Catholic school . Are you enjoying it ? "

Bobby stood silent …grimaced …shook his head …and then blurted out , " I just hate it , but the last guy who tried to get out from there is still nailed to the classroom wall . And I ain’t gonna end up like him ! "

The Texas Aggie platoon leader was ordered to form a firing squad.

“Everybody!” he hollered; " Get in a circle!"

2 Likes

EVER WONDER where we are headed…

Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin?

Why women can’t put on mascara
with their mouth closed?

Why you don’t ever see the headline:
“Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why “abbreviated” is such a long word?

Why Doctors call what they do a “practice”?

Why you have to click on “Start”
to stop Windows 98?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a “Broker”?

Why there isn’t mouse-flavoured cat food?

Who actually tastes dog food when it has a
“new & improved” flavour?

Why Noah didn’t swat those two mosquitoes?

Why they sterilise the needle for lethal injections?

Why they don’t make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box?

Why sheep don’t shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when
they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro,
is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why they call the airport “the terminal”
if flying is so safe?
AND…

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Myer hairdryer:
“Do not use while sleeping”.
(Darn, and that’s the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Chips:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.(The shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Palmolive soap:
“Directions: Use like regular soap”.
(And that would be how???)

On some frozen dinners:
“Serving suggestion: Defrost”.
(But, it’s just a suggestion).

On Nanna’s Tiramisu dessert
(printed on bottom):
“Do not turn upside down”.
(Well…duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
“Product will be hot after heating”.
(And you thought???..)

On packaging for a K-Mart iron:
“Do not iron clothes on body”.
(But wouldn’t this save me more time?)

On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine:
“Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication”.(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
“Warning: May cause drowsiness”.
(And…I’m taking this because???)

On most brands of Christmas lights:
“For indoor or outdoor use only”.
(As opposed to…what?)

On a Japanese food processor:
“Not to be used for the other use”.
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I’m a bit curious.)

On Nobby’s peanuts:
“Warning: contains nuts”.
(Talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
“Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts”.
(Step 3: maybe, uh…fly Delta?)

I don’t blame the company, I blame the parents for this one:
On a child’s superman costume:
“Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly”.

On a Swedish chainsaw:
“Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals”.
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

3 Likes

What does one do with kleptomania?

You take something for it.

1 Like

On your Japanese food processor question that you wanted help on…

Remember, Halloween is coming up.

1 Like

Why does Hawaii have interstate highways?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets!!!

1 Like

There was Fr. Rocky who opined that changing “Man” to “All” in the Sacred Liturgy means that livestock, wildlife, and pets are now included in the salvation plan.

For others, it meant that a certain laundry detergent had the preference of some Church officials.

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.