Jokes you would like to share

There was a little lad who had to start school .

His parents didn’t have any particular religious beliefs , but they still sent him to the Church of England school…it just happened to be the nearest .

On the first day home from school the lad was whinging and crying …like some lads do .

This went on for a week , and his mum and dad had to put up with a weekend of tantrums .

Monday came , and the lad went off to school…so they thought .

On Tuesday they received a message from the school …" Why was Bobby absent from school yesterday ? "…of course , the little monkey had been playing truant .

Mum and dad weren’t at all happy , so they got Bobby into the nearby Methodist school .

He was there a week , and there seemed to be no problems .

Another week went by…still no problems .

But on the Wednesday of the third week they received a message from school…" Why was Bobby not in school on Monday and Tuesday ? " …truanting again .

Bobby said , " I just hate schools …I never , ever want to go again . "

Mum and dad were at their wit’s end . So they opted for the local Catholic school .

Screaming and shouting , they had to drag him there , but they got him inside eventually

A week went by…no sign of trouble . A second week went by…no messages from school .

At the end a month without problems mum and dad asked Bobby ," Well , son , you seem to like it at the Catholic school . Are you enjoying it ? "

Bobby stood silent …grimaced …shook his head …and then blurted out , " I just hate it , but the last guy who tried to get out from there is still nailed to the classroom wall . And I ain’t gonna end up like him ! "

The Texas Aggie platoon leader was ordered to form a firing squad.

“Everybody!” he hollered; " Get in a circle!"

2 Likes

EVER WONDER where we are headed…

Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin?

Why women can’t put on mascara
with their mouth closed?

Why you don’t ever see the headline:
“Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why “abbreviated” is such a long word?

Why Doctors call what they do a “practice”?

Why you have to click on “Start”
to stop Windows 98?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a “Broker”?

Why there isn’t mouse-flavoured cat food?

Who actually tastes dog food when it has a
“new & improved” flavour?

Why Noah didn’t swat those two mosquitoes?

Why they sterilise the needle for lethal injections?

Why they don’t make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box?

Why sheep don’t shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when
they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro,
is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why they call the airport “the terminal”
if flying is so safe?
AND…

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Myer hairdryer:
“Do not use while sleeping”.
(Darn, and that’s the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Chips:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.(The shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Palmolive soap:
“Directions: Use like regular soap”.
(And that would be how???)

On some frozen dinners:
“Serving suggestion: Defrost”.
(But, it’s just a suggestion).

On Nanna’s Tiramisu dessert
(printed on bottom):
“Do not turn upside down”.
(Well…duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
“Product will be hot after heating”.
(And you thought???..)

On packaging for a K-Mart iron:
“Do not iron clothes on body”.
(But wouldn’t this save me more time?)

On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine:
“Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication”.(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
“Warning: May cause drowsiness”.
(And…I’m taking this because???)

On most brands of Christmas lights:
“For indoor or outdoor use only”.
(As opposed to…what?)

On a Japanese food processor:
“Not to be used for the other use”.
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I’m a bit curious.)

On Nobby’s peanuts:
“Warning: contains nuts”.
(Talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
“Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts”.
(Step 3: maybe, uh…fly Delta?)

I don’t blame the company, I blame the parents for this one:
On a child’s superman costume:
“Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly”.

On a Swedish chainsaw:
“Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals”.
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

4 Likes

What does one do with kleptomania?

You take something for it.

2 Likes

On your Japanese food processor question that you wanted help on…

Remember, Halloween is coming up.

2 Likes

Why does Hawaii have interstate highways?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets!!!

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There was Fr. Rocky who opined that changing “Man” to “All” in the Sacred Liturgy means that livestock, wildlife, and pets are now included in the salvation plan.

For others, it meant that a certain laundry detergent had the preference of some Church officials.

1 Like

Q. How much space does it take to grow fungus?
A. As mushroom as you need.
–Siri

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I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.

3 Likes

gone is an odd name for a dog

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Q. Why don’t ants get sick?
A. Because they have little anty bodies.
– Siri

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Christmas is coming and elderly man thinks, it’s too much trouble buying all those presents for all my kids and grandkids and great grandkids. I’ll give them money instead.
So writes out a pile of generous cheques and a pile of Christmas cards. In the cards he writes “buy your own present.”
Later after Christmas he wonders why so few of his relatives rang him up to thank him for the cash. So goes back to his writing table and under a heap of other stuff he finds the cheques

1 Like

(Channeling Jeff Foxworthy.)

You might be from my parish, if you’ve heard either Mariah Carrey, Garth Brooks, The Proclaimers, or a Grainger’s Ad quoted during a homily.

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a political joke you may want to pass

A CNN reporter walks into a neighborhood tavern and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy at the end of the bar wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat.

It didn’t take an Einstein to know the guy was a Donald Trump supporter.

The CNN guy shouts over to the bartender, loudly enough that everyone in the bar could hear, “Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, except for that Trump supporter.”

After the drinks were handed out the Trump guy gives the CNN guy a big smile, waves at him and says, in an equally loud voice, “Thank you!”

This infuriates the CNN reporter. So he once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the guy wearing the Trump hat.

As before, this doesn’t seem to bother the Trump guy. He just continues to smile and again yells, “Thank you!”

So the CNN guy again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Trump guy.

And again the Trump guy just smiles and yells back, “Thank you!”

At that point the aggravated CNN reporter asks the bartender, “What the hell is the matter with that Trump supporter?

I’ve ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him and all the silly a$$ does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?”

“Nope,” replies the bartender. “He owns the place.”

4 Likes

The problem with political jokes is that sometimes they win elections!

4 Likes

How does a squid go into battle?
:arrow_down:
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Well Armed

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If the NFL had women refs…

Ref: Throws flag and stands with arms crossed.

Players: What’s the penalty? What did we do?

Ref: You know exactly what you did.

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Ten ladies tried to fit under a small umbrella, none of them got wet. How did they do it?

answer blurred

It wasn’t raining!

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A burglar stole all my lamps. I should be upset. But I’m delighted – Siri.

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We were once told that communion rails served the purpose of keeping livestock out of the sanctuary back in the middle ages.

Now we need something similar to keep out the neo-modernists.

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