To my sons:
There are three HUGE mistakes that the parents of children of my generation made regarding teaching us about our sexuality. I know that they did what they thought was appropriate and right under the circumstances, being children of the permissive '60s and living in a world where there was serious panic surrounding the AIDS epidemic. Well, I am here to tell you that I will NOT be making these same mistakes.
Mistake #1- Our parents taught us that while watching porn is not a good thing and we shouldn't do it, it is completely natural for us to express our sexual curiosity in this way. Then they gave us laptops to take into our rooms.
In our house, there will be no laptops or computers of any kind in your bedroom. Any television in your bedroom will be locked with a code so that you can only watch certain parent-approved channels.
I know that you will be curious about sex, but the way to satisfy that curiosity is NOT by watching emotionally damaged young women degrade and abuse themselves in exchange for money and drugs. Watching pornography is NOT, I repeat, NOT ok. It will forever change the way you view women and it will shatter your self-esteem. It will make it extremely difficult for you to have a satisfying sexual and emotional relationship with your future spouse. Sex-real, soul-shattering, earth-rocking sex the way God intended between two spouses who love each other beyond measure has never been captured on film. Trust me on that. I know that in this day and age, you think you can just Google anything and find out all about it. Well, you can't. And if I do find any pornography on the family computer, be prepared to have a very serious and very uncomfortable conversation with your father and me about WHY you think it's o.k. to use these terribly broken, miserable and desperate girls to satisfy your curiosity and burgeoning sexual desires. Just don't do it.
Mistake #2- Our parents told us all that it is perfectly natural and acceptable to experiment with our own bodies for sexual experimentation and self-gratification. This mistake is tied inextricably to Mistake #1.
The truth: Your sexuality is a gift from God and sex is NOT a solo activity. Turning your sexual desires in onto yourself does the exact opposite of what God intended when he invented sex. Real sex is an emptying of self, an unconditional and completely unselfish act of love that you engage in with your spouse. It is not merely a "release" and it is not selfish. Using your sexuality for selfish ends inverts its original purpose, which is to love another with all of your heart, body and soul. Turning it into a self-centered act destroys its meaning and ensures that when the time DOES come for you to do it properly, you won't be very good at it because you will have trained yourself mentally and physically to make sex all about you. This will not make for a satisfying sex life for either you or your beloved.
Mistake #3-Our parents told us that sex should be reserved for marriage (or at LEAST love) and then proceeded to hand us boxes of condoms and drive us to the gynecologist to be placed on artificial hormones whose purpose was to prevent us from becoming pregnant.
I will NOT be doing this. I am not going to undermine your self-confidence and set you up for failure by telling you to do one thing and then handing you a pack of Trojans under the table with a wink and a nudge. You are better than that and you deserve more than that. I have full and complete confidence in you to do the right thing, even when everyone else is doing the wrong thing. You are strong and capable and very, very smart and I believe in your ability to make intelligent moral decisions.
Since you were born, your father and I have been setting money aside each and every month for your college education. We have been betting on your future. We are not going to bet against you now. We are ALL IN.
Now of course you will have friends whose parents don't believe in their ability no say "no", or who want so badly to be their children's "friends" that they don't do their God-given jobs as parents. We will not be doing that. We love you and believe in you too much. I wish my own parents had believed in me as much.
In summary, sex and sexuality are amazing, wonderful, beautiful, SACRED gifts from God that are not to be abused, diminished or trifled with. Sex is not, as the media would have us believe, about self-gratification and objectification. Sex is the outward expression of total inward unity and love between you and your future spouse. Sex is God allowing us to be PARTNERS with Him in the amazing mystery of creation and unconditional love. We are each invited by God to be co-creators of the human race with Him! And when you do it right, it is totally emotionally, physically and spiritually satisfying. How awesome is that?
Now I know that this is a lot to take in, and I know that you MIGHT (not WILL) slip up now and again and make some mistakes. But you can talk to me or your Dad about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING, and you can ALWAYS ask God for forgiveness and start again with a totally clean slate. The wonderful secret about God is that He loves to forgive us, He DIED to forgive us- we only need to ask :)