Just a little letter I put together for teaching our sons about sexuality when the time comes :)


#1

To my sons:

There are three HUGE mistakes that the parents of children of my generation made regarding teaching us about our sexuality. I know that they did what they thought was appropriate and right under the circumstances, being children of the permissive '60s and living in a world where there was serious panic surrounding the AIDS epidemic. Well, I am here to tell you that I will NOT be making these same mistakes.

Mistake #1- Our parents taught us that while watching porn is not a good thing and we shouldn't do it, it is completely natural for us to express our sexual curiosity in this way. Then they gave us laptops to take into our rooms.

In our house, there will be no laptops or computers of any kind in your bedroom. Any television in your bedroom will be locked with a code so that you can only watch certain parent-approved channels.
I know that you will be curious about sex, but the way to satisfy that curiosity is NOT by watching emotionally damaged young women degrade and abuse themselves in exchange for money and drugs. Watching pornography is NOT, I repeat, NOT ok. It will forever change the way you view women and it will shatter your self-esteem. It will make it extremely difficult for you to have a satisfying sexual and emotional relationship with your future spouse. Sex-real, soul-shattering, earth-rocking sex the way God intended between two spouses who love each other beyond measure has never been captured on film. Trust me on that. I know that in this day and age, you think you can just Google anything and find out all about it. Well, you can't. And if I do find any pornography on the family computer, be prepared to have a very serious and very uncomfortable conversation with your father and me about WHY you think it's o.k. to use these terribly broken, miserable and desperate girls to satisfy your curiosity and burgeoning sexual desires. Just don't do it.

Mistake #2- Our parents told us all that it is perfectly natural and acceptable to experiment with our own bodies for sexual experimentation and self-gratification. This mistake is tied inextricably to Mistake #1.

The truth: Your sexuality is a gift from God and sex is NOT a solo activity. Turning your sexual desires in onto yourself does the exact opposite of what God intended when he invented sex. Real sex is an emptying of self, an unconditional and completely unselfish act of love that you engage in with your spouse. It is not merely a "release" and it is not selfish. Using your sexuality for selfish ends inverts its original purpose, which is to love another with all of your heart, body and soul. Turning it into a self-centered act destroys its meaning and ensures that when the time DOES come for you to do it properly, you won't be very good at it because you will have trained yourself mentally and physically to make sex all about you. This will not make for a satisfying sex life for either you or your beloved.

Mistake #3-Our parents told us that sex should be reserved for marriage (or at LEAST love) and then proceeded to hand us boxes of condoms and drive us to the gynecologist to be placed on artificial hormones whose purpose was to prevent us from becoming pregnant.

I will NOT be doing this. I am not going to undermine your self-confidence and set you up for failure by telling you to do one thing and then handing you a pack of Trojans under the table with a wink and a nudge. You are better than that and you deserve more than that. I have full and complete confidence in you to do the right thing, even when everyone else is doing the wrong thing. You are strong and capable and very, very smart and I believe in your ability to make intelligent moral decisions.
Since you were born, your father and I have been setting money aside each and every month for your college education. We have been betting on your future. We are not going to bet against you now. We are ALL IN.
Now of course you will have friends whose parents don't believe in their ability no say "no", or who want so badly to be their children's "friends" that they don't do their God-given jobs as parents. We will not be doing that. We love you and believe in you too much. I wish my own parents had believed in me as much.

In summary, sex and sexuality are amazing, wonderful, beautiful, SACRED gifts from God that are not to be abused, diminished or trifled with. Sex is not, as the media would have us believe, about self-gratification and objectification. Sex is the outward expression of total inward unity and love between you and your future spouse. Sex is God allowing us to be PARTNERS with Him in the amazing mystery of creation and unconditional love. We are each invited by God to be co-creators of the human race with Him! And when you do it right, it is totally emotionally, physically and spiritually satisfying. How awesome is that?

Now I know that this is a lot to take in, and I know that you MIGHT (not WILL) slip up now and again and make some mistakes. But you can talk to me or your Dad about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING, and you can ALWAYS ask God for forgiveness and start again with a totally clean slate. The wonderful secret about God is that He loves to forgive us, He DIED to forgive us- we only need to ask :)


#2

You might try adding something like this, because making intelligent moral decisions is not as understood as some would make it out to be.

So, how can you make the right, intelligent, decisions, so that they work and so they are not just wishes that fail? First, you need to know who or what you are, that you have both a soul and a body. Your soul is the place of understanding the truth (it only wants to know what is true) and your soul is the place of decisions (it only wants to participate in what is good when the soul understands truth). Your body is the interface between you and the world, between you and everything that is not you. Your body's "job" is to do things that help the soul understand, and to do things that fulfill the decisions for participation in what is good.

Your body does have appetites, like all animals do, but all animals do not have souls that understand and decide. Appetites for food, for stimulation, for procreation, etc. But with your soul, you can decide what your body gets. You can choose to give your body a healthy diet so that it is a good and healthy interface to your soul, or you can overeat, deciding that you only want to be like the animals who eat whatever pops up. And the same with the sexual appetite; you can decide your body will be used as intended by God, or that, again, you will let that appetite rule, giving it whatever it wants.

When you were baptized, God gave you something called the Virtues. These are habits for you to use whenever you decide to use them. When you choose to feed your body in a healthy way so it will be a good tool for your soul to understand truth and participate in what is truly good, then these Habits will kick in. You will suddenly find yourself limiting your food to what is nutritious. When you choose to use your body as God intended in the love and union of marriage only, you will find yourself turning away from pornography because it is not suited to the truth about who you are, and the purpose of your body. Know who and what your are, your soul, your body, and their purpose and their goal (union, participation, with God, the real truth, the true good, the truly beautiful), and choose to use your soul and your body to unite with him, refusing to be an animal appetite fulfiller.

Well, my thoughts.

John Martin


#3

When do you plan to give your sons this letter? I would imagine it might be tricky timing. Not too early to shatter their innocence. Not too late to have an effect.


#4

[quote="nodito, post:3, topic:324688"]
When do you plan to give your sons this letter? I would imagine it might be tricky timing. Not too early to shatter their innocence. Not too late to have an effect.

[/quote]

Not sure. 11 or 12? Maybe later. It will depend on how mature they are individually.

I just wanted to say all the things my parents and my husband's parents never told us. Like they didn't want to impose on us or hurt our self esteem or something, so it was all "I'm ok, you're ok" stuff. Now we have a whole generation of adults addicted to porn and who have had 20-30 sexual partners in their lives who can't maintain of even enjoy a normal relationship who think its totally normal to go to strip clubs and watch porno. Rather than give my kids permission to do those things, I want to EMPOWER them to to the right thing and let them know that I totally support them in doing it. I want to warn them that their sexual behavior as young men can effect their whole adult lives.


#5

[quote="John_Martin, post:2, topic:324688"]
You might try adding something like this, because making intelligent moral decisions is not as understood as some would make it out to be.

So, how can you make the right, intelligent, decisions, so that they work and so they are not just wishes that fail? First, you need to know who or what you are, that you have both a soul and a body. Your soul is the place of understanding the truth (it only wants to know what is true) and your soul is the place of decisions (it only wants to participate in what is good when the soul understands truth). Your body is the interface between you and the world, between you and everything that is not you. Your body's "job" is to do things that help the soul understand, and to do things that fulfill the decisions for participation in what is good.

Your body does have appetites, like all animals do, but all animals do not have souls that understand and decide. Appetites for food, for stimulation, for procreation, etc. But with your soul, you can decide what your body gets. You can choose to give your body a healthy diet so that it is a good and healthy interface to your soul, or you can overeat, deciding that you only want to be like the animals who eat whatever pops up. And the same with the sexual appetite; you can decide your body will be used as intended by God, or that, again, you will let that appetite rule, giving it whatever it wants.

When you were baptized, God gave you something called the Virtues. These are habits for you to use whenever you decide to use them. When you choose to feed your body in a healthy way so it will be a good tool for your soul to understand truth and participate in what is truly good, then these Habits will kick in. You will suddenly find yourself limiting your food to what is nutritious. When you choose to use your body as God intended in the love and union of marriage only, you will find yourself turning away from pornography because it is not suited to the truth about who you are, and the purpose of your body. Know who and what your are, your soul, your body, and their purpose and their goal (union, participation, with God, the real truth, the true good, the truly beautiful), and choose to use your soul and your body to unite with him, refusing to be an animal appetite fulfiller.

Well, my thoughts.

John Martin

[/quote]

Some good ideas here. I may have to simplify it a bit for the kids.


#6

Wow... awesome letter!

Do you have any daughters? If so, I would give this letter to them as well. Women can struggle with impurity just as much as men. :thumbsup:


#7

I like so much of what you say, so hate to nitpick, but:

[quote="LaSainte, post:1, topic:324688"]
Sex-real, soul-shattering, earth-rocking sex the way God intended

[/quote]

What does that even mean? Did you have a bunch of pre-marital sex and you're comparing it to marital sex? Or is that just something you say, or what? :confused:


#8

[quote="Debora123, post:6, topic:324688"]
Wow... awesome letter!

Do you have any daughters? If so, I would give this letter to them as well. Women can struggle with impurity just as much as men. :thumbsup:

[/quote]

Thank you Debora! If we ever have any daughters, they will be getting this too! I had to think about it a lot, because I want to be a me to teach my kids about impurity and pornography without making them feel like total perverts for even THINKING about sex. I want to let them know that sex is great and it's natural to be curious, but there is a time and a place for it. I think so many kids grow up with either the impression that sex is dirty and shameful or with their parents throwing condoms at them the minute they turn 15. I'm hoping to give my kids a healthy view of proper sexuality :)


#9

[quote="VeritasLuxMea, post:7, topic:324688"]
I like so much of what you say, so hate to nitpick, but:

What does that even mean? Did you have a bunch of pre-marital sex and you're comparing it to marital sex? Or is that just something you say, or what? :confused:

[/quote]

Haha ok. I just meant that REAL sex the way it was intended has never been captured on film because filmed sex is all acting and worrying about how it looks on camera and posing for the video and lust, not about being totally absorbed in love for your spouse and not giving a flip what it looks like on film because the very act of filming it automatically turns it into something that God did not have in mind when He created sex. Real, good sex is private and shared only between two people and God. It can never be captured on film and so any curiosity about what real sex is like cannot be satisfied by Googling it.


#10

Have not read the letter ....too long....got to run.

There is a doctument from the Church about how and when Parents are to teach about this subject.

It is called: The Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality issued in 1995

One can find it on EWTN website. Just do a search in the documents

ewtn.com/vlibrary/search.asp


#11

[quote="LaSainte, post:8, topic:324688"]
Thank you Debora! If we ever have any daughters, they will be getting this too! I had to think about it a lot, because I want to be a me to teach my kids about impurity and pornography without making them feel like total perverts for even THINKING about sex. I want to let them know that sex is great and it's natural to be curious, but there is a time and a place for it. I think so many kids grow up with either the impression that sex is dirty and shameful or with their parents throwing condoms at them the minute they turn 15. I'm hoping to give my kids a healthy view of proper sexuality :)

[/quote]

Awesome!!


#12

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