Just broke up with boyfriend...need help


#1

I'm hurting right now and was wondering if someone could give me some guidance and reassurance. :(

Background info: I am in my early 20s, have been Catholic for 2 years. I was pregnant out of wedlock when I was initiated into the Church and my son is now a toddler. My son's father is involved but there's no chance we would reconcile the relationship we had.

I live at home with my parents while I attend school (I don't work). Just to give an idea of where I am at: I recently obtained an Associate's degree and I am continuing to work toward a BS.

Long story short:
I met my boyfriend (who is in his late 20s) at school (where he works) at the very end of January this year and I immediately felt a sense of peace...it was a sense that indicated to me that this was perhaps the man God intended me to marry (I had been praying here and there for a good husband). Of course there was an issue in my heart as soon as I discovered that this man was not a practicing Catholic. He was "raised" Catholic, has been baptized but never received First Communion.

Anyhow, although our relationship lasted for a very short period of time, we did fall in love and felt as though we had known each other for much longer. We also did both believe that God set the whole thing up. We talked about getting married. I told him about the conditions revolved around getting married in the Church and although he struggles with the rationale behind some of them, he agreed to live by them. He also started attending Church again as he had not attended Mass for several years.

However, problems with chastity occurred throughout our relationship (not fornication, although sin is still sin). After Divine Mercy Sunday I thought I was finally ready to stop the sinning but lo and behold, because of my pride, I fell again with him yesterday. I went to Mass today and believe that Jesus made it very clear to me that I needed to end the relationship. I believe Jesus said that, because I could not "contain" myself, that breaking up with my boyfriend was the best course of action :o, which is what I did tonight.

Naturally, my boyfriend is extremely upset and heartbroken. I am too, although I am trying to trust that God knows what He is doing (which of course He does, even though I may not see it right now). We talked on the phone tonight after I broke up with him in person and I tried to ask him why he doesn't seek after a deeper relationship with God. For one he says he "doesn't need it" and two, he thinks that the teachings in the Bible and of the Church are out of touch with reality. I tried to explain things to the best of my abilities but at some point he said he couldn't listen anymore. He believes that one day I will see things differently.

I suppose I wanted to post because I wanted some reassurance, that I am not being crazy by sticking to the Church. I also want to have hope, that its possible that my new ex could come around and really believe in the Truth. Just to make things clear though, I am not saying that I am trying to change or convert him nor am I going to wait around for him as if he's the only guy out there. I just have this sense that he's going to change, but maybe I am just crazy :whacky:


#2

I can definitely relate to some of the issues you brought up in your summary.

Personally, it's good that you have ended the relationship at this current time. Intimacy is a major point of contention, as undoubtedly finances and raising children are.

I hope this does not come off as cynical, but to relate after two and a half years of a relationship which was marred itself by constant struggle with intimacy, I think it is for the best that things ended before they went too far and you regretted any action taken.

From the brief summary, it seems that he is confused about the role of God in his life at this time. This doesn't mean that it will never change and that if it does, the person will be right for you than. Without being a sap, I have to unfortunately say that I have come to the fork in the road where I've noticed how some of my friends who I loved and cared about changed almost over night in the span of weeks and months and how we no longer relate to one another.

It is important that not only do you focus on finishing your education and your baby, but focus on your personal beliefs. Inner reflection is necessary during this time, in the early twenties because without reflection we cannot know where we stand or how we want to get to the other side of the road where we wish to be.

To reassure you, I think you made the right decision, because issues concerning with intimacy where one half of the issue is not comfortable with the other can never be solved without both halves feeling guilty and committing a contradiction to their own convictions. While it is said that relationships are based on negotiations, this is a matter of conviction which two sides cannot simply come at a middle to.


#3

[quote="MadetoLove, post:1, topic:240328"]
I'm hurting right now and was wondering if someone could give me some guidance and reassurance. :(

Background info: I am in my early 20s, have been Catholic for 2 years. I was pregnant out of wedlock when I was initiated into the Church and my son is now a toddler. My son's father is involved but there's no chance we would reconcile the relationship we had.

I live at home with my parents while I attend school (I don't work). Just to give an idea of where I am at: I recently obtained an Associate's degree and I am continuing to work toward a BS.

Long story short:
I met my boyfriend (who is in his late 20s) at school (where he works) at the very end of January this year and I immediately felt a sense of peace...it was a sense that indicated to me that this was perhaps the man God intended me to marry (I had been praying here and there for a good husband). Of course there was an issue in my heart as soon as I discovered that this man was not a practicing Catholic. He was "raised" Catholic, has been baptized but never received First Communion.

Anyhow, although our relationship lasted for a very short period of time, we did fall in love and felt as though we had known each other for much longer. We also did both believe that God set the whole thing up. We talked about getting married. I told him about the conditions revolved around getting married in the Church and although he struggles with the rationale behind some of them, he agreed to live by them. He also started attending Church again as he had not attended Mass for several years.

However, problems with chastity occurred throughout our relationship (not fornication, although sin is still sin). After Divine Mercy Sunday I thought I was finally ready to stop the sinning but lo and behold, because of my pride, I fell again with him yesterday. I went to Mass today and believe that Jesus made it very clear to me that I needed to end the relationship. I believe Jesus said that, because I could not "contain" myself, that breaking up with my boyfriend was the best course of action :o, which is what I did tonight.

Naturally, my boyfriend is extremely upset and heartbroken. I am too, although I am trying to trust that God knows what He is doing (which of course He does, even though I may not see it right now). We talked on the phone tonight after I broke up with him in person and I tried to ask him why he doesn't seek after a deeper relationship with God. For one he says he "doesn't need it" and two, he thinks that the teachings in the Bible and of the Church are out of touch with reality. I tried to explain things to the best of my abilities but at some point he said he couldn't listen anymore. He believes that one day I will see things differently.

I suppose I wanted to post because I wanted some reassurance, that I am not being crazy by sticking to the Church. I also want to have hope, that its possible that my new ex could come around and really believe in the Truth. Just to make things clear though, I am not saying that I am trying to change or convert him nor am I going to wait around for him as if he's the only guy out there. I just have this sense that he's going to change, but maybe I am just crazy :whacky:

[/quote]

How about setting a date, instead of ending everything?
Did he push you or tempt you or were you equal in it?
I have a great many Catholic friends, - couples who are now married. Some managed to be totally chaste, some didn't and some got very out of hand. Thats very unfortunate because when you practice impurity you start relating to each other in an impoverished way. However, as long as both parties want to change and they struggle against sin and go to confession.. I think we must admit that we are sinners.
In some ways it would also be bad if you had no temptation to be close with your boyfriend and he with you, right?
I cannot offer you much advice, but I think you should be more patient with yourself, with your boyfriend and with your relationship. You might find later another man, who is half as wonderful as your current x, and still be accompanied by impurity.
Because if even only one is totally chaste, then so is the relationship, I think.
Believe me I toally understand you.. better than I wish I did. I have been in your situation, and I have a feeling that temptation will soon be here again. I have broken up with my boyfriend three months ago.. we had different issues but this was definately one of them. And I want him to understand and agree with the Church more. However, we have been very equal in crossing the lines of modesty and chastity.
Given the relationship - you know what other issues there are - maybe its good to work on the chastity without breaking up.
My heart goes out to your boyfriend.. How horrible he must be feeling. Remember not to take him for granted.


#4

That was a tough call to make but I believe it was the right one. Your souls before anything else.

Since he has been away from the church for so long he needs some rime ti reconnect and rebuild his relationship with God. He doesn't agree with the church teachings. Well, how much does he know about them? Has he read Scott Hahn's " Rome Sweet Home" for instance?he needs to read some apologetic literature if he want to understand church teachings. Then I would go into TOB for the specifics of the teachings on sexuality- the good news about sex and marriage would be a great start.

I find it really disconcerting when someone says "you'll change your mind" I.e. You're so wrong and one day you'll see I'm right. That indicates that he has no real desire or intention to see things as y ou see them. I'm sure it's his manly ego but the sooner that's dealt with the better. For the record, he should be much more preoccupied with knowing the truth than with being right.

My husband was very badly off when we met but the fact that he truly wanted to know the truth and was willing to forgo whatever life philosophy he had formed at that age if he knew it was false was our only chance.

I know how painful break ups are, even when you know you've done the right thing, but be strong and don't write him off for good necessarily, he might come around eventually. Look out for cues, is he willing to know the truth even if it's hard, is he willing to sacrifice in order to live by that truth, does he love you enough to WANT to understand where you're coming from, does he respect you enough to keep your boundaries even if he doesn't adhere to them? If these are all NOs than whatever other qualities he might have are not going to help make this a healthy relationship.

God bless you!


#5

I'm not sure you did the right thing by ending the relationship. Remember it takes two to tango so it is unfair to both punish and blame him for you BOTH being unchaste.

I do however wish you every luck in the world and you find someone else just as amazing, but I am a little bit concerned at the reasons for you leaving him. You cannot expect your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend to be the ones to be the most assertive when it comes to morality/chastity.


#6

[quote="MadetoLove, post:1, topic:240328"]
I'm hurting right now and was wondering if someone could give me some guidance and reassurance. :(

Background info: I am in my early 20s, have been Catholic for 2 years. I was pregnant out of wedlock when I was initiated into the Church and my son is now a toddler. My son's father is involved but there's no chance we would reconcile the relationship we had.

I live at home with my parents while I attend school (I don't work). Just to give an idea of where I am at: I recently obtained an Associate's degree and I am continuing to work toward a BS.

Long story short:
I met my boyfriend (who is in his late 20s) at school (where he works) at the very end of January this year and I immediately felt a sense of peace...it was a sense that indicated to me that this was perhaps the man God intended me to marry (I had been praying here and there for a good husband). Of course there was an issue in my heart as soon as I discovered that this man was not a practicing Catholic. He was "raised" Catholic, has been baptized but never received First Communion.

Anyhow, although our relationship lasted for a very short period of time, we did fall in love and felt as though we had known each other for much longer. We also did both believe that God set the whole thing up. We talked about getting married. I told him about the conditions revolved around getting married in the Church and although he struggles with the rationale behind some of them, he agreed to live by them. He also started attending Church again as he had not attended Mass for several years.

However, problems with chastity occurred throughout our relationship (not fornication, although sin is still sin). After Divine Mercy Sunday I thought I was finally ready to stop the sinning but lo and behold, because of my pride, I fell again with him yesterday. I went to Mass today and believe that Jesus made it very clear to me that I needed to end the relationship. I believe Jesus said that, because I could not "contain" myself, that breaking up with my boyfriend was the best course of action :o, which is what I did tonight.

Naturally, my boyfriend is extremely upset and heartbroken. I am too, although I am trying to trust that God knows what He is doing (which of course He does, even though I may not see it right now). We talked on the phone tonight after I broke up with him in person and I tried to ask him why he doesn't seek after a deeper relationship with God. For one he says he "doesn't need it" and two, he thinks that the teachings in the Bible and of the Church are out of touch with reality. I tried to explain things to the best of my abilities but at some point he said he couldn't listen anymore. He believes that one day I will see things differently.

I suppose I wanted to post because I wanted some reassurance, that I am not being crazy by sticking to the Church. I also want to have hope, that its possible that my new ex could come around and really believe in the Truth. Just to make things clear though, I am not saying that I am trying to change or convert him nor am I going to wait around for him as if he's the only guy out there. I just have this sense that he's going to change, but maybe I am just crazy :whacky:

[/quote]

I know you are upset and hurting but If I was your Mother I would say you did the right thing in breaking up. First of all your obligations are to your child and to your education as well as to the parents who are helping you . Your focus should be there. Relationships should be on the back burner for now.
Secondly, dating serves the purpose of choosing spouses. This guy is not interested in being the spiritual leader in his household.Nor is he capable. Big strike against him , for now at least.
Thirdly , the chastity issue. Good for you for seeing your weakness. You should probably work on your ability to resist this weakness before you start dating again at some point. You already see the issues it has brought to your life and those around you . You might want to seek some spiritual direction on this. Learn some fasting and abstaining practices to strengthen your ability. Perhaps , when you go to confession (if you haven't already) you could ask your confessor for a book to read. I know they have some recommendations on this site for Chastity help.

Fourthly, be careful trying to assign your desires to what God wants.


#7

I also believe you did the right thing.

It wasn't so much about the being unchaste--that can be forgiven by God in Confession.

What it IS about is that he does not have the same Faith as you do, nor does he have the desire to deepen his Faith. That alone is a red flag not to be taken lightly.

I see that you are trying to better your future by going to school presumably for a bright life for your child. And while it would be nice to have someone by your side right now, it doesn't seem like this was the guy if he lead you away and not toward God.

You are stronger than you know. Keep on the right path. May God bless you and guide you.


#8

[quote="MadetoLove, post:1, topic:240328"]
I suppose I wanted to post because I wanted some reassurance, that I am not being crazy by sticking to the Church. I also want to have hope, that its possible that my new ex could come around and really believe in the Truth.

[/quote]

Reassurance: You have every right to stick with your religious convictions. They are at the core to who you are as a person. You also have right to expect that your life mate will respect these convictions, even if he doesn't share them.

Hope: There is always, always the chance that someone will have a change of heart and accept Christ and the Catholic Church.

And although you didn't ask for it:

Advice: Let him go. Heal. If you continue to be in contact with him, you're going to do neither. You're in your early 20s, and whether you know this now or not, you have years and years to meet and marry a man who's willing and able to respect and abide your religious beliefs.


#9

I want to thank you all for your help, it is highly appreciated. :)

I also want to clarify my reasons for ending this relationship. Chastity issues alone were not the reason I ended this relationship. It was the issue of incompatible faith. He himself said he doesn't need God. As much as I love this man, I do not want my son nor any of my future children being taught by the man of the house that human beings do not need God. Because in reality we all absolutely need God.

Thank you, and please pray for my ex-boyfriend. Much love & God bless


#10

[quote="MadetoLove, post:9, topic:240328"]
I want to thank you all for your help, it is highly appreciated. :)

I also want to clarify my reasons for ending this relationship. Chastity issues alone were not the reason I ended this relationship. It was the issue of incompatible faith. He himself said he doesn't need God. As much as I love this man, I do not want my son nor any of my future children being taught by the man of the house that human beings do not need God. Because in reality we all absolutely need God.

Thank you, and please pray for my ex-boyfriend. Much love & God bless

[/quote]

I give you my RESPECT :)

God bless you


#11

You did the right thing. You and your child deserve to be loved by a mature, practicing Catholic man who will put God first in the relationship. Keep looking; there is someone out there waiting for you.


#12

Been faced with a lifetime struggle of that kind, too, before, not an overjoying prospect by any means, so I have some idea how you must feel. Have courage and go on.


#13

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