Just found out a close family member had an abortion


#1

I just found out today that my cousin had an abortion:(. While I knew she was pro choice, I never thought she would get one herself, especially since we have other cousins who were adopted that we love since our Aunt and Uncle were infertile. I’m calling her after she gets off work tonight to see how she is doing mentally and emotionally, especially since she mentioned that she and the father almost had twins together, which suggested that she realizes she murdered her own children. I’m unsure how I should approach this conversation tonight, as I don’t want to alienate her by condemning her for her actions, but I don’t want to condone them either. I was hoping maybe someone with more life experience than I could offer some suggestions on what to say and talk about when I call her. I’m feeling very lost and confused about the whole situation, especially since I’ve only talked to her via text this entire year, and I think if I had at least called her maybe I would’ve found out she was pregnant and convinced her to keep the babies:(

Some quick background about her:
Baptized and confirmed Catholic, but was never really active despite attending Catholic school K-12.
Not sure what her current religious views are, since its not something we ever talk about since I was a hardcore atheist until about a year ago.
I believe she had the abortion less than two weeks ago.

Please pray for the two babies and my cousin as well.

Thanks


#2

[quote="Wooly_Wolf, post:1, topic:203712"]

Please pray for the two babies and my cousin as well.

Thanks

[/quote]

Will do, my friend. God Bless you and your family!


#3

[quote="Wooly_Wolf, post:1, topic:203712"]
I just found out today that my cousin had an abortion:(. While I knew she was pro choice, I never thought she would get one herself, especially since we have other cousins who were adopted that we love since our Aunt and Uncle were infertile. I'm calling her after she gets off work tonight to see how she is doing mentally and emotionally, especially since she mentioned that she and the father almost had twins together, which suggested that she realizes she murdered her own children. I'm unsure how I should approach this conversation tonight, as I don't want to alienate her by condemning her for her actions, but I don't want to condone them either. I was hoping maybe someone with more life experience than I could offer some suggestions on what to say and talk about when I call her. I'm feeling very lost and confused about the whole situation, especially since I've only talked to her via text this entire year, and I think if I had at least called her maybe I would've found out she was pregnant and convinced her to keep the babies:(

Some quick background about her:
Baptized and confirmed Catholic, but was never really active despite attending Catholic school K-12.
Not sure what her current religious views are, since its not something we ever talk about since I was a hardcore atheist until about a year ago.
I believe she had the abortion less than two weeks ago.

Please pray for the two babies and my cousin as well.

Thanks

[/quote]

O.K. not trying to be rude here, but you say that you two are cousins and havn't spoken on the phone- only texted some and she didn't tell you (if I understand correctly) that she had the abortion - first of all are you sure you heard from a very reliable source? and second, it doesn't seem you guys are that close, it would be one thing if she told you (if she really did have one), but she hasn't confided in you, so I would steer clear of coming out and asking her right out. Not to be rude but if she wanted you to know, I think she might have told you. Maybe she hasn't told you because of your religious stance (being Catholic) and doesn't want to deal with what she thinks she might hear from you. Yes, pray for her - if you want to call her (which it seems might seem kind of odd since you've only e-mailed or texted since you came back to Catholicism. If you do feel you have to call her, I wouldn't ask straight out, I might bring some things up but I'm a firm believer of information being someone's business once he/she has told you what has happened.
God Bless
Rye


#4

She did tell me. We were very close growing up, and still are, but with facebook and texting, we don't actually talk on the phone that much. We have been meaning to talk, and she always says she's going to call later, but doesn't, and being that I don't want to intrude on her life, I never call her. She's been saying that she had drama going on, and that she would call me, but today she told me over text. The way it sounded over text, is that she hasn't told anyone in the family yet, which is another reason why I'm calling tonight.

Edit:

She live in California, which is another reason it may have come off as us not being to close in the OP. We text each other several times a week, so we're usually fairly up to date with each other's lives. Unfortunately she said she's been pretending everything was ok these past few months, and if I had called her I feel I would've been able to tell something was wrong:(.

God Bless


#5

Sidebar: Youngsters don't talk on the phone much anymore. They text.


#6

What a tough situation you're in. :( Here's some advice that may or may not be helpful for you, just off the top of my head:

I would suggest to start out with, just listen. Let her lead the conversation; let her vent and open up to you. Then you can maybe get a clearer idea of where her head and heart are at the moment about this.

I agree that you don't want to come straight out and condemn her...because the act has already been done and it sounds like she might already have been blessed with some feelings of guilt about it. At the same time, you don't want to in any way give the impression that you think it was excusable. If she opens up to you, you can express sympathy for what she went through and validate any guilt and sadness that she might be feeling. And make sure to suggest that she go to confession ASAP. Or at least go talk to a priest about it for her own peace of mind (who will in turn lead her to the confessional.;))

I'll say a prayer for you both.

P.S. Wooly Wolf, please stop beating yourself up and feeling guilty about this. It sounds like she is just as culpable as you are (if not more) for the fact that the two of yall haven't been in touch as regularly as you'd have liked. There's no way you could have known that she was going through a tough time without her reaching out and letting you know herself. And there's no way of knowing if she would have even confided in you about the pregnancy or about her intentions to abort.

And unfortunately, chances are there would have been nothing you could have said to change her mind even if she had told you about it.


#7

SInce you asked about real life experience, here it is.

I had a friend who had an abortion and made it crystal clear (before the abortion) that if I judged her she would no longer be my friend. I though to myself 'Here is my chance to show her Catholics are not judgemental so I will stick by her'

BIG MISTAKE. After the abortion, she suffered tremendously and took it out on me. All she wanted to do was talk about her maternity clock ticking and all her day dreams of what she would do with her future children (down to details about how she was looking forward to her kids waking her up in the middle of the night because they were scared). It was scary the more she started to live in her fantasy world. Then she would take all her bad moods out on me. If we were walking down the street and I waived to a kid she would scream 'CM's maternity clock si ticking he he he he he' She became impossible

This is what I wished I would have done I would have said 'I pass no judgement since God only can do that. However, you know my views about the situation. I think it is best we don't talk about it. The only time I will ever help you is if you ask me where to find a priest for confession. I respect your choice but you need to respect mine'

And if she leaves your life.... good riddance. It is NO fun associating with a woman who is full of guilt for killing her kid and thinks God should change his opinion to be in line with hers

CM


#8

[quote="ryecroft, post:3, topic:203712"]
O.K. not trying to be rude here, but you say that you two are cousins and havn't spoken on the phone- only texted some and she didn't tell you (if I understand correctly) that she had the abortion - first of all are you sure you heard from a very reliable source? and second, it doesn't seem you guys are that close, it would be one thing if she told you (if she really did have one), but she hasn't confided in you, so I would steer clear of coming out and asking her right out. Not to be rude but if she wanted you to know, I think she might have told you. Maybe she hasn't told you because of your religious stance (being Catholic) and doesn't want to deal with what she thinks she might hear from you. Yes, pray for her - if you want to call her (which it seems might seem kind of odd since you've only e-mailed or texted since you came back to Catholicism. If you do feel you have to call her, I wouldn't ask straight out, I might bring some things up but I'm a firm believer of information being someone's business once he/she has told you what has happened.
God Bless
Rye

[/quote]

I would second that sentiment.


#9

I think everyone who undergoes an abortion has a different reaction. I've known women who have had an abortion and while not thrilled with the need for it said they were 100% sure they did the right thing, would do it again in a heartbeat and were glad they had the option. I've known others who always second guessed the decision.


#10

There is such a thing as post-abortion syndrome. Since the abortion is done being harsh will not accomplish anything. And I don't think saying "it is best we don't talk about it" since you mentioned you wanted to reach out her. That would make her feel even more isolated. I think saying things like I feel terrible that you went through such a trauma. It must have been so hard to feel you had no other alternative. I would listen to her feelings and offer her information on Rachel's Vineyard -a post abortion outreach. Even if she doesn't think she needs it now she may very well likely need it in future.
rachelsvineyard.org/


#11

Thanks for the prayers and advice. I talked to her, and she is definitely already regretting her decision even though she felt she had no other choice. Thanks for that link rayne89, I'll make sure she is aware of it.

God Bless


#12

That poor woman. That poor, poor woman. :(

Just be there. Listen. Pray. Show her that you love her unconditionally. If it's possible, try eventually to steer her to Rachel's Vineyard or to a really good priest. And...pray.


#13

I agree -- just listen, let her talk, cry with her if she cries.

I doubt she will come out and ask you your opinion -- but if she does, be gentle but honest.

Tell her you are concerned for her emotional and spiritual well-being, and that if she is suffering, to reach out to you. Then just be there. Good luck.


#14

I don't think every woman second guesses having an abortion but I do think that most of them have a hard time emotionally afterward. At this point you can't save the baby, so work on loving your cousin. Like PP's have said--listen to her, cry with her, pray for her. You never know--perhaps how you behave with this situation will encourage her to make different decisions in her future. :thumbsup:

KG


#15

This is heartbreaking, but God can forgive all sins, and her children are not "annihilated", those babies are probably with God and with the angels, in Heaven, now. Your cousin will get to see her children in Heaven, and spend all eternity with them in happiness, if she repents of her sin and if she chooses to accept the salvation offered by Jesus Christ.

I guess your cousin is somewhat fallen away from the faith she grew up with, somewhat confused. Is she in college, or out of college? Many of us, myself included, came to question our faith and the existence of God in college, it's quite typical. Hopefully this trauma will set your cousin on the path of asking the questions that have to be asked: Who's right in this? The Church or the pro-choicers? Is there a God in Heavens, do we have immortal souls, is there an eternal life? Once she will find the answers to those questions, your cousin will KNOW that all is not lost, that her children are with God, and that she will have a chance to meet them in Heaven.

On a more immediate level, do help her to break up with the father, if she hasn't done so already. If there was drama, if he was not supportive of her carrying the pregnancy to term and giving birth to the babies, your cousin owes it to herself to dump this guy, promptly.


#16

:crying::crying::crying:

:gopray2::gopray2::gopray2:

I can only recommend that you pray before the Blessed Sacrament daily for your cousin's repentance. :(


#17

[quote="rayne89, post:10, topic:203712"]
There is such a thing as post-abortion syndrome. Since the abortion is done being harsh will not accomplish anything. And I don't think saying "it is best we don't talk about it" since you mentioned you wanted to reach out her. That would make her feel even more isolated. I think saying things like I feel terrible that you went through such a trauma. It must have been so hard to feel you had no other alternative. I would listen to her feelings and offer her information on Rachel's Vineyard -a post abortion outreach. Even if she doesn't think she needs it now she may very well likely need it in future.
rachelsvineyard.org/

[/quote]

:thumbsup:

I have two family members that when I found out about their abortions (years later) I recommended Rachel's Vineyard to them and also, if there was a retreat coming up, would give them the flyer. They said thank you and left it at that. One of the family members had a baby recently. I brought it up again (about Rachel's Vineyard) because I said that she may have feelings about her two children in heaven with the arrival of her third child and that there are many women who have been what she's been through so that if she needs it, they are a great place for support (from my understanding). I have said a few other times that she has two children in heaven praying for her, but I said this at appropriate times (thank you Holy Spirit).


#18

[quote="Wooly_Wolf, post:11, topic:203712"]
Thanks for the prayers and advice. I talked to her, and she is definitely already regretting her decision even though she felt she had no other choice. Thanks for that link rayne89, I'll make sure she is aware of it.

God Bless

[/quote]

I was praying for you two. I hope God continues to heal the situation.


closed #19

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.