Just had to vent about cohabitating


#1

Please pray for me not to be so mean spirited. Keep me from self pity.

I bumped into a long-time friend that I haven’t seen in about two months. She informed me that she and her boyfriend are moving in together by late summer.

They were just so happy, holding hands and smiling. She told me she was surprised at all the gifts people are giving them, dishes, a new car, towels and furniture.

For some reason, I just stopped being sad for her and for all the people I know who live like this. I used to have these feelings that I should pray and feel sorry for them because ultimately they are hurting themselves.

Now I just feel angry inside. I feel like I am struggling so hard, working two jobs, going to school, saving every penny, stretching out my engagement to do the right thing. We are delaying everything until we can be responsible parents. My family is too poor and I am too proud to expect any type of gifts from them at the wedding. Everything is going to be for the long haul and sometimes it’s just plain hard. I found myself feeling bitter.

Not a good thing! Anyways, I just had to vent. I felt just unnerved that they could traipse along into happiness like that. lol.:mad:


#2

Congrats on your upcoming nuptials… even if they are a year away! I don’t like cohabiting either… even though I’ve done it. Now, disclaimer: we were engaged and we were completely abstaining from any non Church-approved hanky panky. Before getting engaged, we lived on two seperate continents and decided to live together as we’d save loads of cash. (We live in London- the 4th most expensive city on the planet.) We also didn’t receive any “congrats on your cohabiation” gifts.

With that said, we’re probably going to split up… (you can read the details in one of my other posts.) which needless to say, will be an awkward task. I’m definately more stable financially than when I first moved only a few months ago, but will still have to find flatmates. When I moved over,I brought only necessities like clothes, a few books, etc. All of the furniture is his so we won’t have the “this is mine, you bought that” thing.

I consider myself lucky that this fell apart now, after only months, as opposed to years later. I’ve known couples who’ve moved in, never married, only to split up 5 years down the road. And as they’re not married, they have few legal rights regarding property. Some even co-own a house!

So be patient… you’re totally doing the right thing. And as you’re not living together prior to marriage, you can justify that “upgrade” to the 5-speed blender on your registry!! :stuck_out_tongue:


#3

Keep venting.

You are doing the right thing - they are doing the easy thing.
You are keeping the bond of love faithfully.
They are not respecting each other or their family.
You are working for a long term relationship full of love and blessed happiness for many years.
They are playing house with no commitment to each other.
You are mature enough to realize what commitment really is.
They are statistically not going to last 3 years.

Be mad, angry, and vent all you want. But rest secure in the knowledge that you are doing the right thing.

And don’t give her anything either - sounds like she is getting enough stuff already - I mean - a car??? wow - we got dish towels!!


#4

God bless you for your faithfulness to God. Those who whore around before marriage and get gifts for doing so have their reward already. Both of my sons and our eventual DILs were faced with the pressures and temptations that seem ever more powerfully put upon young people. But they resisted and are now happily married.

BTW Why wait a year?

CDL


#5

That’s seriously harsh and un Christianlike with the name calling.


#6

Please pray for me not to be so mean spirited. Keep me from self pity.

Cohabitation is a scourge on our society and the eventual end of marriage as a broadly accepted (expected?) institution.

Your friend has nothing. You have everything. Don’t forget that.


#7

An unwillingness to call it what it is (concubinage) is what removed the social stigma in the first place. We wouldn’t be in this position as a society if we weren’t so worried about hurting someone’s feelings when they do the will of Satan and make a mockery of marriage.


#8

When doing the right thing - it can be very hard NOT to get a but of a “superiority” feeling. Don’t let it get to that. I’d suggest praying for your friends.

You are struggling - and maybe, just maybe, you are waiting too long to get married. Two joined in the struggle can make it more of an adventure!

When we got married, we spent $500 and did not have a honeymoon or own a home. Heck, we could not afford wedding rings. You don’t have to wait for things to be perfect to get married, maybe it would be good for your soul to marry sooner?


#9

I understand the importance of calling a sin a sin. What I think is unChristianlike is stating that a person is a “whore” or is “whoring around”. There is absolutely no love attached to those words, only a superficial, uncaring judgementalism. I have yet to hear the pope or any bishop call what a cohabitating couple is doing “whoring around”. I haven’t even heard of one calling prostitution “whoring”.


#10

Well I’m sure I’ll be flamed for this but first off is your friend a catholic? If she isn’t a Christian why should she be kept to Christian values. I certainly know it’s hard to make things work these days. I actually have to live with my parents for a bit while I get my feet back under me so I know how tough it is to make it on one salary let alone the cost of a wedding.

Not to be contradictory but are you angry because you see her seemingly happy in a lifestyle you don’t believe in or because she has things easier than you do?

GP no insult here but I waited and “did the right thing” and still had a marriage that crashed and burned so although I don’t think you meant it this way just because you do everything right doesn’t mean that everything works out ok here on earth.

Bottom line is they and they alone are responsible for their choices and what I heard wasn’t concern for their well-being but rather anger that they had things easier than you. I’d be careful and not dwell too much on them because it could lead you to a dark place where compassion is outweighed by judgment.


#11

I’ll grant you that it’s not polite to just call someone a “whore”, but when you get down to it, what’s the difference? Couples that are only together for non-committal sexual relations are just pimping themselves out to each other, but won’t admit that given the stigma of being a pimp. So, we do things like have “cohabitation showers” and congratulate them and idly watch them lose their souls instead of doing the hard thing (the truly loving thing) and saying, “Look - call it what you want, it’s not love, and it’s nothing to celebrate.”


#12

Well I guess you can be angry about it, sometimes it’s hard to control those emotions when they start to crop up. Ahh, you could even throw out if cohabiting is right or wrong, understand though you are really laying the foundations of a good future.

Maybe they do have things easier or whatever, but one lesson to learn is how to be resilient. There will always be ebbs and flows of consolations and desolations in relationships, especially as close as marriage. If you have to learn to deny yourself, you will be taking good steps to learning how to be patient enough to set up the circumstances to make the best choices.

Look at it this way, one could go out and spend loads of money on building a garden and flower beds. Another without the money to spend, could spend a bit of money every year, and really learn her land, learn her plants, learn how to nuture them, learn what to do in flood and droughts. In the end, even if the one who spends loads of money every year has prettier flowers, I am sure the other garden will be looking pretty good, but also a garden full of love and joy. In the end, the flowers aren’t so important, the joy of the gardener comes from time in the garden building the relationship with it.

I can understand if you get angry, and I’m sure you get angry, becuase your disapointed that you are angry. Don’t worry about the stuff they have, the relationship is about the relationship. They may have hugs and kisses, but I seriouslly doubt a meaningful relationship could be forged out of only hugs and kisses. You miss their fights and their doubts. She might even be a bit envious of you, and wonders if she could do the same herself that you do. Maybe not, but she might be surprised to know how you feel.

In the end what can I say, those feelings will pop up as they do, but just tell yourself, it’s a long life, you are doing good looking ahead. Maybe we don’t feel she is making the best decision, so what to do is when you see her, be her friend, and keep saying your prayers for her, as you should for those you care about. Sometimes things can look easy on the surface, but when it comes to marriage nothing is easy. Sometimes a great start isn’t the best start.


#13

Matthew 7:13 Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the road braod that leads to destruction, and those who enter through it are many. How narrow the gate and constricted the road that leads to life. And those who find it are few.

Take it from someone who has taken the broad road way too often in life - know that your sacrifices now are being stored in Heaven as blessings. And do pray for your friends. Yes, they’re happy now. But “now” is not forever. You are doing the right and good thing. God bless you!

Trish


#14

I didn’t call anyone a name. Who are you to judge me or anyone?

CDL


#15

Lets face it, engaging in sex outside of the bond of marriage has a name for it. Well, many names for it I guess.

We are all adults here. It is what it is.


#16

I had 10 days off work and $110 in my pocket for a honeymoon. That was 1967 but it still wasn’t much. We got as far as the Mackinac bridge but couldn’t afford to cross it to the UP. We were both in college but we made it. We supported each other, finished college and we have enjoyed 40+ years together. There are benefits to doing it right and making God’s plan ones own.

CDL


#17

It’s ok that you are feeling like that. You can’t help feelings when they come into your mind and heart. Just don’t let it eat away at you and keep praying.

My husband and I were engaged for two years and we lived separately. I shared an apartment with my sister and he lived an condo that he bought for thet two of us. I wouldn’t buy anything together with him (like a home, car, etc.) until we were married. I also struggled and worked seven days a week with three different jobs during those two years. Despite the temptations and close calls to just go along with the flow, we’re both very happy that we waited and did things the “old-fashioned” way. I think it’s A LOT harder today than it was in our grandparents’ and parents’ times. Although my parents were one of the few couples in the 70s who were still virgins on their wedding night.

I have family members who didn’t want to believe that my husband and I waited until we were married, not that we went around telling people that we were virgins. It was never any of their business. We actually found out all this talk from my parents. My uncles were all busting my dad’s chops telling him, “Oh, yeah, you really think your daughter is being chaste?” and all that. I was always very open with my parents, so they knew what was up with us. One of my uncles and his son (born-agains) came up to me and my husband at our wedding reception thanking him for making me “an honest woman”. Obnoxious? Yes, definitely, especially since we gave no reason for them to come to this conclusion. But my uncle isn’t a happy and stable man. He’s very bitter and hateful, so I pity him and pray for him.

I just feel sorry that they can’t accept there are young people out there who actually do take courtship and the engagement seriously as Catholics.

You are in my prayers and are on the right path. Just know that there are people out there like you going through the same thing.


#18

She was my lifelong friend, a Catholic playmate who grew up on the street next to mine. We shared the backyard fence.

And yeah it is some self-pity that they have things so easy. I feel as if I struggle just to keep my head above the water and they are enjoying life. Her parents paid for her education, gave her a new car every year, she goes on vacations with her boyfriend, she accomplishes things she wants to do, such as singing in a band, seeing faraway sites, meeting people, etc.

I just need to grow up a little bit more, lol.

And let’s not get into the when to get married debate on this thread. I wouldn’t mind starting one…hahaha. I feel that I am very financially secure and my housing plans are coming together nicely (I’ve been saving to buy a house in 08). I’ve got a year of school left after this summer semester and no debt. But my parents and my parish priest said no to the marriage.

Maybe I need to put my foot down and cut off my family and move on with my life. Maybe they are making a horrid mistake in advising we wait (our marriage date will put us at 22 and 23). But it is so cliche for young adults to think they have it all and the parents know nothing. sigh


#19

its also very typical of this forum along with judgeing everyone around them, better to just get used to it they aint gonna change,this isnt the only post such as this nor will it be the last


#20

Oh I would love to tell you to tell parents and priest to mind thier own lives but I think you already know that


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