just married and husband does not want sex

My husband and I were married September 29. We abstained before marriage, and I thought we would be so excited to be able to be with each other once we were married. I anticipated being intimate at least once a day. But, it hasn’t been that way. I make sure I look nice every night when he comes home, and I’ve even gone to bed with a cute nightie on, and he just rolls over and goes to sleep. I tried to talk to him about it, but he says it makes it “weird” to talk about it.

During our honeymoon, things seemed pretty good. But, since we’ve gotten home, he can go several days without trying to initiate intimacy. I told him that I don’t like being the initiator, and he said that he doesn’t like for the woman to be the initiator. So, why isn’t he initiating?

I feel like I do my part, and he needs to take the ball and run. I can’t talk to him because he gets angry and says it’s “weird” to talk about it. What can I do? I want to be wanted by my husband. He definitely desired me when we were dating. I had to push him off all the time. Now that we’re married and it’s encouraged to be intimate, it seems like he has no interest. Any suggestions on what to do?

I do not know of many couples who engage in the marital act at least once a day. Even early in their marriage. Of course, your concerns are valid and the “average” is not always important when you are hurting emotionally but it may help to note that a lot of people are going through what you are.

Sometimes things go in phases…you may both be relaxed and close and have a time where you are intimate very often. Then there may be a time when he is tired from work or other obligations and perhaps you don’t feel well and in those circumstances it may be several days/weeks between intimate relations.

Your husband may also be feeling pressure to “perform” more often then he is ready to do. It is likely that he is embarassed and possibly feeling like he is letting you down as your husband. If he feels this way I can assure you it will not improve the quality of your marriage.

I know it is exciting and wonderful to be able to be physically close to your husband after waiting so long. Just make sure that you concentrate on the other aspects of your marriage as well and maybe don’t put so much emphasis on this for a while it may help. I will pray for you. Hope this helps a little.

Just relax.

Remember the disclaimer that the financial experts use.
Past performance is no guarantee of future…

Your honeymoon was just that, a honeymoon. Now he’s back to work, back to the “grind” so to speak. You haven’t said what kind of work he does, or if you work so there may be factors there.

I agree with the previous poster. Sexual intimacy daily is very unusual. “Normal” (if there is such a thing) might be a couple times a week. Of course that depends on whether your trying to conceive or trying to avoid.

My main advise is to be patient with him and yourself. Your still going through a large adjustment. Just be close and love each other. The rest should take care of itself.


Well I am sorry girlfriend. That’s rough. Maybe it is because you started initiating sex (now that you can!) it kinda scared him a bit. He likes to be the hunter, and if his “prey” is sitting there ready to be slayed in her sexie nightie…well it kinda defeats the purpose. :smiley: :stuck_out_tongue: :smiley: Not that you are doing ANYTHING wrong, I don’t think so at all, I just think you new Dh might have some issues that need to be addressed.

Little does he KNOW how foolish he is being, because in a few years, especially while you are pregnant, post partum, etc. you aren’t going to be so willing - in fact you might take on the tone of “oh uh-huh not tonight my love.” Silly on him! :shrug: Just wait – he’ll say “but back when…you were so…” LOL Welcome to marriage! Now we are lucky if we can even get some loving in…Dh had to hop in the shower with me this morning, lock and bolt the doors against our three kids and still be ready for church…long gone are the days of lounging sexily in lengerie enjoying each other and that sweet thing called “time.” :wink:

Well quick advice on this for your part, only because I watched this happen to a friend of mine, and oh man, you don’t even want to know how badly it turned out…BUT NOTE: they did have premarital sex, she was pg when they wed, and he didn’t even touch her on the honeymoon. He didn’t touch her for almost 2 years. When I say “touch” I don’t mean just sexually – I mean COMPLETELY. No hugs, no kisses, no kindness, no snuggles – NOTHING. We all thought him gay, and was surprised he did actually touch her at 2 years, but then quit touching her again, and eventually had an affair and left her for another WOMAN! :eek: I could of bet it would be a man…but yeah anyway…

Her response was typical, she wanted love. He told her he didn’t like “confrontation” and he felt threatened with “anger” or “arguing” when she attempted to talk to him. So she responded in a predictable but un-cool way. She started throwing silent tantrums, grunting, grudges, attitude, wouldn’t speak up but made the air thick enough to slice with a knife…and what’s worse: she brought it to her friends. In all areas fo life she was a miserable human with so much attitude it was difficult to get along with her, or even have her around.

So I think, most important of all is to KEEP COMMUNICATION OPEN. He is trying to tell you he’s uncomfortable when you initiate, but I think he needs to learn that mutual intiation is not only “normal” it can be very sexy. I know the idea of a marriage retreat so early in the marriage may feel like a failure, but ANYTHING that strengthens your relationship, opens the lines of communication, builds trust, and helps with the happiness and bliss of early marriage is a GOOD GOOD THING.

I don’t want you to become like my friend. She’s better now that he left her, but still…what a ****** situation. Keep the lines of communication open! Wear sexy nighty, but under a robe and only slightly “flash” him…make him work for it for now, and let him ease in to the idea that you actually LIKE what he has to offer!

Big hugs momma, prayers with you. Update us when you can!

ok kiddo, now this is advice from the ball and chain. now he told me to tell you that the last advice was right on. there is nothing like a little tease. he said there is nothing better than to see a little and it will be enough if you know what i mean. and let him make the moves. dont pressure him. Later on in your marriage, now thats when ill give ya the good advice. so right now let him come on to your for now, But what you wear is all it takes. hope this helps good luck.

DH and I also abstained prior to marriage.

You don’t say how old you two are, but age can definitely impact him and how frequently he can and wants to be intimate. And, then there is tired, don’t feel good, up late, up early, traveling, and life… it happens.

If he is not being intimate at all then there might be a problem. If he feels “weird” talking about it forever, he might have some hang-ups. Who can he talk about it with, if not his wife?

But, I’d save all the talk for down the road 6 months to a year. Just let it be. And, he will initiate.

Once a day-- good God-- that’s not realistic. I think the secular media has given women and men a distorted view of sexual intimacy and married life.

Remember, intimacy isn’t always sex. So do some smooching on the couch, just like you used to before you were married. Snuggle and cuddle up, without expectation of leading anywhere.

You are craving intimacy, but it may not be SEX you need just some of that same attention you got before you were married. If he feels he cannot hug you or kiss you without an expectation attached… there may be some anxiety and “performance” issues. It’s all new-- just let it take it’s natural course.

Now, if he doesn’t ever want to be intimate, he doesn’t ever want to talk about it-- then he needs to see his doctor and you need to consider some counseling.

6 months to a year???

If this man goes on this way that long, and won’t speak of it, it may very well be too late.
Darn if I’d wait another month before I had my answers.
If he’s tired, fine. Pressured, fine. But he’s a grown man, a married man, and he CAN sit down and say so.
Doesn’t like her to initiate? Maybe, but it sounds like an excuse.

No, sex is not everything, but this man is not even 4 weeks married, and is already refusing? Uh-uh. No way.
I’d sit him down, and kindly and politely find out what’s going on.
Maybe he’d talk to a priest about it?
At any rate, if this continues, counseling may be in order.
Not trying to be scary/negative, but it is very easy to fall into bad habits and excuses. Better to nip them in the bud early, learn to communicate, and get on with your marriage.

Well, TC2, that’s why they say ‘YMMV’ – your mileage may vary. I have my opinion, you have yours.

I think the bigger deal she makes, the more she tries to control and demand, and talk and talk, the worse it will get.

They’ve been married 3 weeks. It can be overwhelming. It’s a big adjustment. I don’t think 6 months to 1 year of adjusting and getting to know each other and what is “normal” for them is unreasonable. Sex every day is NOT a reasonable expectation-- I think she’s got some ideas from the media that have led her to feel something is wrong when nothing is wrong… It’s all about expectations. If she just leaves it alone and lets it take its course then she may find out that 1x per week is normal for them, or 3x per week, or whatever. THEN, if she’s not happy with frequency, they should talk about it.

1ke, you are correct, it is only my opinion.
It is easy to offer advice w/o knowing all the
facts, and easier to jump to conclusions.
TC2 offers olive branch. Accepted?

To the orig poster:

You didn’t say just how often youre having
’relations’ so maybe it’s not that bad.
Maybe your once a day expectations are too
much for him, and he’s overwhelmed.
If he was raised in a 'sex is bad/dirty/naughty’
household, that could have a lot to do with it, too.

So maybe backing off a while may work. Get comfy w/one another, that’s a great plan, no problems there.
But if he is refusing completely, then we have a
problem. I think you do need to work on
communication, learning each others wants/needs/
expectations, and coming to a mutual agreement.

Of course, said agreement could change down the
road, as needs and desires grow/fluctuate.
So, again, communication, not nagging, is key,
and only time will tell.
My prayers are with you both.

Sorry…I’m w/ TC2 here. I never knew of a man who needed time to “adjust” to unlimited access to sex. Nah…not buying it. I would also insist on some answers–not in the heat of the moment, but maybe over a glass of wine or dinner out–and not in a threatening or angry way–but with great tenderness and love. He may well be uncomfortable talking about his sex life, but that needs to change and the only way it will is with practice!

Based on what she posted: they’ve been married 3 weeks, she expected sex ‘every day’ and he can go ‘several days without initiating’.

He’s not **refusing **sex. He’s not “not” initiating-- he just isn’t initiating **every **day.

I think that’s **normal **and I don’t think there’s any problem.

I still think she needs to just chill out and let it be for a while to see what their actual rhythm IS. It’s been 3 weeks-- geesh!

I have only been married ten years :shrug: and my husband would LOVE to have sex every day.

We DID have sex every day, if not once a day but NUMEROUS times a day as newlyweds - ECSPECIALLY the FIRST MONTH. I am surprised he actually went to work. :o !!!

This is STILL their “honeymoon,” (honeymoon originally referring to the first full cycle of the moon after a marriage) and the OP has a reason to be concerned. I am with MYSELF and the other poster(s) who says this SHOULD be addressed.

Like I said, it shouldn’t be nagged on, but should be discussed. If the marriage starts now with a cycle of upset/ignore/bury/deny it could ruin their marriage.

Oh and 1ke I am actually glad/surprised to hear you are married. I wondered about that!

That’s great for you.

But, the OP should not be made to feel she has to compare to that, nor her DH.

Everyone’s libido is different. If her DH thinks every 2 or 3 or 4 days is good, why is that wrong?

Must we really discuss how often we have had sex?:rolleyes:

We are solving an issue for the original poster, not bragging about sexual achievements :shrug:

I don’t think daily intimacy in early marriage is so unusual. Still, you’ve hurt his pride by voicing complaints so early in your sexual relationship. No man wants to be a disappointment in the bedroom, but that is what your comments have shown him…you are disappointed in his performance, or lack of performance. Probably seems like an attack on his “manliness”. Your feelings count, too, but in this case I think you should just follow his lead. Let him come to see his wife’s embrace as safe, loving, accepting, willing…not as demanding. Let him feel that his lovemaking is enough for you. It has to make him feel pretty low that he can’t satisfy his new wife in bed. AND…remember that all intimacy doesn’t have to lead to something. Show your husband that you still love all his body, not just the “fun bits”…Haha! But seriously, maybe TMI, but the most intimate time I share with my husband is on the mornings when we don’t have any kids who have wondered in during the night. He always sets the alarm too early so he can hit snooze a couple of times, and I’ll wake up and snuggle up to him and tell him how much I love him …we don’t usually have time for it to lead anywhere…but it fills our hearts with love and desire for one another. Those are the days when I get phone calls telling me he misses me…and those are the nights he goes out of the way to help me get the kids to bed early…

I have no idea what the man is thinking or feeling.

But I’d sure like to know what the OP has for breakfast, lunch and dinner most days. I might start doing the grocery shopping for my family!

If you don’t want to read about sex, then I have a great idea:

Don’t open threads with “sex” in the title!

I am not bragging, I am just stating my reality, as other’s have posted their reality: that they don’t want nor have sex as often. We are all entitled to weigh in – and we are all different. I am just saying what was/is normal for us.

We, too, abstained before marriage and found that there was a definite psychological adjustment period involved in going from “Don’t have sex - it’s bad” to “Have lots of it and make babies”, which is pretty much what happens overnight when you get married. Additionally, without being too graphic, have you considered that if there were initially some issues or physical discomfort he may be afraid of hurting you?

I don’t think that after three weeks you need to worry too much but I think you should talk to him about it - not in bed, but at a time when you’re both relaxed and comfortable. Don’t blindside him with it, and don’t get too caught up with what you think “normal” is. Just listen to his concerns and understand that early marriage is an adjustment for both of you, especially if you’ve been accustomed to living alone and doing your own thing most of the time.

This is a serious issue, regardless of statistics. There can be many factors as other posters have noted but lack of desire for a newlywed male is not normal.

In order for a marriage to be sacramental the marital act must be unitive AND open to procreation. These are the underlying elements that sanctify the marital vows and they should be discussed as to shed some light where the problem may be rooted.

It’s not about sex- it’s about total self giving with sex being a key ingredient.

There does not seem to be a “lack of desire”. The OP merely stated that her DH does not initiate sex every day. That does not equate to “lack of desire” or any “serious issue”.

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