Recently I posted about having had the Essure procedure done, and how I didn’t expect the emotional fallout afterwards. I felt like I let God down, because as a new Catholic, I understand what the Church teaches about contraception and more importantly, WHY. It makes total logical sense to me. However, I made the choice to have the Essure procedure knowing that NFP just was not cutting it for me, and that having another baby would likely be dangerous. Still, despite my own “logical” reasons for doing the Essure, I still felt like I yanked my fertility out of God’s Hands and took it into my own and basically killed it. I’ve never had an abortion, but I’d liken what I felt after the procedure to having had one.
However, I’ve talked with my priest about it, and he was just wonderful. Plus, I decided yesterday to quit wallowing in my self-pity; it’s become a nasty habit and I’m sick of it. The change in my attitude has been hard—it’s easy for me to get bogged down and despair with two demanding little girls, one who’s moody sometimes and the other who has to CIO sometimes in order to sleep.
But, I’ve been mindful of moments of grace in the last several days. . . like the grace of a new day that puts the night’s screaming and witching hours into perspective. The grace to look upon my daughters with love despite the mothering them that sometimes tests everything I have. The grace of Mass every time I go. The grace of a friend who not only invites me over for supper, but gives me a whole trash bag of her own girls’ outgrown clothes. The grace of God that comes like a whisper through my heart when I need it.
And the grace of Jesus through this on-line community that is so edifying, educating and encouraging! The grace of Father Serpa to respond lovingly to my PM. The grace of this Easter Season that is finally filling my heart through the Eucharist, proclaiming He Is Risen Indeed!
I’m so conscious of my own wretchedness that is so completely undeserving of my Redeemer’s love and sacrifice for me. It’s a realization that is at once humbling enough to drive me to my knees in thanks to Him, and freeing enough to rise up in praise to Him.
TO GOD BE THE GLORY, GREAT THINGS HE HATH DONE!!! HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!!! HE IS RISEN, INDEED!!! :amen: