Keep secret from boyfriend?

My best friend has a problem and that’s why I wanted to know all of yours opinion…
My friend has a sister and her sister has a secret…My friend promised her not to tell anyone about it(including her boyfriend) so now the boyfriend is angry at her, because she is not sharing every secret with him.
I can understand that my mate can’t tell him everything…I mean if I tell her something & ask her not to tell anyone I wouldn’t want to that she tells her boyfriend…
Hmm anyways, so he hurt her alot & she cried alot she told me…cause he can’t take a no…she explained to him that she doesn’t want to break a promise & plus it has nothing to do with their relationship & the secret won’t affect their relationship…
I don’t know what to think, but she should keep a promise right? I mean it’s not nice to break & hurt her sisters feeling…or a friends feeling?
Please give me some advice…I really want to help her…she is a lovely girl & my best friend:)

Lora

So I attended a wedding once and the priest said, :“Okay, just so you know. There are no secrets now. The only ones you can keep are things like suprise partys, okay. You were once 2, but now you are one; so you have to trust one another and help one another.”

That isn’t the case here. A girlfriend or a boyfriend should keep many things private. There is no sort of full disclosure agreement.

A boy friend that demands to be told something that was promised to be kept secret…and that has nothing to do with him, is jus being nosy.

However, it’s also generous of secret keepers to keep the secrets secret. Telling people “I know somthing but I won’t tell” is not very generous either.

It was wrong of her even to disclose that she knew the sister’s secret, but it would be even more wrong to share the secret.

If this boyfriend is willing to break up over nosiness, he did your friend a favor. She deserves someone who will respect her promises.

A boyfriend has no right to expect to be treated like a husband.

People know, up front, that DH and I do not keep secrets.

But, the fact that the boyfriend thinks he has some right to know, and keeps hounding your friend to tell him, is a red flag in my book.

Your friend needs to keep an eye on this guy for other signs of controlling behavior.

And, no, she should not break her confidence with her friend. She should not tell him the “secret”.

she is in an abusive relationship and needs the help and support of all her friends to break out of it, please tell a trusted adult so she can get this help. If she stays with this guy, the only possible outcome is more violence, more pain, and no love, no joy and no fulfullment.

Nobody has a secret in this story. The sister, the girl, the sister’s friends and who knows how many other people know it. The boyfriend will know it in short order because this girl has no power to resist him on her own, she is trapped in his controlling relationship. A secret is not a secret when it is told to one other person. How does the boyfriend even know this secret exists? because somebody told him, probably the girlfirend herself. therefore, there is no secret.

I’m glad somebody mentioned this. This is an abusive relationship if this boyfriend would hurt her in order to learn a secret. Even if he were her husband he would have no right to hurt her to get her to reveal a secret. He has no respect for her, and I hope she will be able to see this and give up this relationship.

Thanks people for ur advice…
God bless you all:)

Lora

I didn’t catch this before-- I wasn’t thinking “hurt her” as in physically, I was thinking he said something that hurt her. Ugh!

If he hurt her physically, she should leave him and never look back.

If he hurt her by saying something mean, it could have been a “heat of the moment” thing but I think he’s very controlling. I would cool it with him.

I don’t believe in keeping ANYTHING form a spouse! No way no how! :nope: Once you hit the fiancé stage, that is preparing for marriage. I wouldn’t keep anything from a fiancé either, just as I wouldn’t keep anything from my spouse. :nope: By the fiancé stage…my husband and I shared everything…we had no surprises saved to get upset over later in marriage. :wink:

However, a boyfriend, if the secret doesn’t affect him or hurt him emotionally or physically, I don’t see it as a problem. If it is a fiancé and not just a boyfriend, I would probably share it with him. :thumbsup:

So for everyone that says a spouse needs to know everything without question:

What if the secret from a third party does not concern either spouse? What if, say, my friend tells me that she suffered abuse as a child, and asks me not to tell my husband about it because she is embarrassed? Or if she has female health issues? Why would my husband even need to know that? If I was in a situation like that, I wouldn’t hesitate to tell him the truth if he asked about it (and I would tell my friend that), but neither would I freely volunteer the information. I don’t think that respecting a friend’s modesty and privacy would mean that I was a bad wife.

For the OP: this guy sounds like he’s controlling, if not abusive. Your friend is hurt but will likely be better off in the long run. She’s lucky to have a friend like you. :slight_smile:

I, for one, don’t agree with the idea that spouses should share everything.

But I need to qualify that statement. Ultimately spouses do share everything. But I don’t think that such sharing has to be in the form of words, at least not as soon as it’s physically possible to do so. In fact, I think sharing some types of information is as much a form of controlling behavior as is demanding too much information from a spouse.

IMO, sharing gossip is a form of warfare engaged in by women. The victims are both the subject of the gossip and those who hear it.

There are lots of things that spouses don’t share with each other. We generally don’t divulge how many sheets of toilet tissue we use on a given day and no one seems to think that is a case of dishonesty. In fact emotionally healthy spouses wouldn’t want to know that much detail. Now obviously there is a point where spouses are entitled to certain information. Likewise, there is information that spouses must be prepared to hear, even if they don’t want to do so. But I think some people, particularly women, feel the need to share much more than is reasonable.

If withholding the information is going to hurt the relationship between the spouses then it should be shared. If divulging the information will hurt the relationship then the spouse with said information needs to consider the consequences of sharing. Some sharing needs to be delayed. Some needs to be measured out in small doses. Sometimes the secret bearer must quietly and lovingly live with the pain of being unable to share.

Now after having said all that, I think anyone who tells a secret to a married person should have no expectation that the spouse will not learn the information.

I agree. This guy sounds like he is dangerous.

Exactly!

i don’t think that this compares. the amount of toilet paper you use is not a purposeful secret. if my husband wanted to know, i suppose that i could estimate but it is not something that i count. actually he has followed me in the bathroom to continue a conversation so if he was that interested he could see for himself.:rolleyes:

mostly when friends have asked me to keep secret some information, it is just silly stuff, that my hubby wouldn’t care to know anyway.

if he asked, i would tell him. but i don’t think that he cares what my conversations with other women are about.

sometimes, i tell him things because i am bothered by a friend’s confidence and i want his opinion.

the boyfriend sounds dangerous. your friend is very lucky that she is discovering this now before she gets into a deeper relationship with him.

The boyfriend sounds like he has serious control issues.

I would also say the same thing about a husband who demanded a wife to tell him something HER friend told HER in private. If by her not telling him something that has nothing to do with him causes a problem in the relationship, then I feel there are ALREADY problems.

Uh, I think people are being too hard on the “boyfriend”. It sounds kind of as if “girlfriend” said she had a secret and now “boyfriend” wants to know. Why did “girlfriend” say anything in the first place? I’d be kind of annoyed too if any of the guys I had dated (married now so it’s not an issue) said “I have a secret but I’m not going to tell you”. It would be a whole other thing if “girlfriend” just hadn’t opened her mouth in the first place. All sounds rather juvenile.

I think that maybe “girlfriend” should apologize for saying anything to both of the other parties and then she might want to tell sis that she’s not the one to tell secrets too. I’m just going to take a complete guess that this sounds juvenile for a reason.:shrug:

Uh, again, boyfriend said something mean. He didn’t punch her.

Jaffna_Gal, just curious, how old are the parties involved?

Hello people, thanks again for replying to my problem…
Well the guy didn’t abuse her like physically…he just said things to hurt her…
And no she didn’t like tell “I have a secret which I can’t tell” she was in a situation where she had to say something about her sister and then he asked the reason why and she coudn’t tell him that…
Then yea he got disappointed and angry hmm…
She is really hurt at the moment, because the guy said he doesn’t want a wife who wouldn’t trust him (they are not married and they are far away from marrying by the way…) so he kind of broke up with her…
That’s so silly…I think she doesn’t deserve him…not at all, but yea she is a really nice girl & she does love him truly…although I doubt the trueness of his love for her…
I just want her to be happy…she is such a lovely girl & I love her alot & hate to see her hurt like this:( I really don’t know what I can do…I’m trying my best to comfort her and to give her advice…but it’s hard at times…
You all are a great help for me…I thank you so much for that:)

i’ve known both men and women who were involved in abusive situation. in all of them, the precursor to the abuse was controlling behavior and verbal abuse.

now, i don’t know what the op considers mean words. maybe the boyfriend just pouted a bit and got childish. but demanding to know a secret sounds controlling.

of course, this could be, as you point out, the result of youth and inexperience with relationships on the part of the two people involved.

Hmm. I wonder about this “no secrets between husband and wife” idea.

There are some things related to my job that I do not share with my wife. There’s some obligation to keep a tight lip about things so it’s best not to talk about it. Due to the nature of the work there are other people’s reputations at stake.

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