Keeping Self To Self


#1

I (a single man) came back to Church about a year ago (not yet Confirmed but received during unsaid communion several months ago).

I came into Church by myself and enjoy praying by myself especially in a quiet Church

I am uneasy with people but have no trouble - and receive peace and joy from - coming in any praying even in a packed Church as long as i am just a member of the congregation

I have the occasional SSA thought (not actions though it is said to "lust" is a sin too - all i believe to be True, i practice chastity), no one knows not even my friends - except our elederly priest who i confessed (hopefuly) everything that i could think of and regularly attend confession (well more often than most in our Church).

I feel all i can manage sometimes/often is to just to come in quietly to talk to God / confess my sins etc i even come in during the week when i can fit it in

People have noticed me though (obviously the more you go the more people remember you) , from the start a very devout and elderly lady approached me and offered to be my sponsor and has got to inviting me regularly for dinners etc .... the trouble is she keeps saying things like "i think our Lord has plans for you" and to me she is like a Saint!!! She has even called me a Saint!!!! Little does she know....

My SSA secrecy gets to me at time - it's like the more i get to know someone the more i feel guilty / a bit of a fraud in keeping this secret, and feel if i was open from the start often this friend would have avoided/shuned me (The SSA would NOT be a problem for me if i could trust people as much as i trust God, but i have found some people to be fickle they often have confused thoughts about issues such as SSA - which is scary!!!)

Peter said to Jesus ... when Jesus asked him if he believes , Peter responded something like .... But who can i turn to / Where else can i go? this phrase keeps coming to mind, it's what I keep think on the way to Church

Please pray for the faithful who battle with this disorder and attempt to live Chaste lives that they may not feel threatened or isolated - Thank You:)


#2

First, please don't think you're the only one with secrets. It's a bit self-important to think that you're the only one who could possibly be hiding things. People endure so many things these days. Someone hides that they were abused, that they lost a parent, that they lost a child, that they struggle with rage, or prejudice, or gluttony, that they got in a car accident that killed a sibling. SSA, just like all of these things are not who you are.

And unlike many young adult think, young adult groups are NOT for dating. Period. So your sexual orientation should have NO bearing on events you attend.

God has plans for you. He calls all of us to be saints. Offhand I can't think of any saints who struggled with SSA but I'd highly recommend the book called "Saints Behaving Badly" by Thomas J Craughwell. It details the sordid pasts of many powerful (and some unknown) saints. Mostly it shows the very humanness of those saints who achieved recognized sainthood. We must always remember there are many in heaven that are saints whom we do not recognize by name, because their deeds have been lost to history.


#3

Hi PurpleSunshine,
Thank You for your reply , this is True about people keeping lots of different categories of secrets not just the one i struggle with

It is important too to consider the motive of keeping a secret -for instance : i do this for a number of reasons because i think a lot of people cannot understand the disorder, or would not want to know or worse they may even hate me for it, the main reason is i care for my friends and only wish to build them up, but when we are talking about Church friends the topics often get very deep - talking for instance about family matters - my sponsor for instance does talk to me about relatives who have died suicide and all manner of things , i feel i know her whole life history!!! (Bless Her)

I am due to be Confirmed but am not the usual age i am getting on a bit now:)

PS: Thanks for the book suggestion i will read it (since returning to Church i have become a bit of a book worm i find reading Christian Biographies etc intriguing)

PPS Regarding Gods plan - Yes i do keep my mind open on this , but i say to my friend even if i am as i am now i thank God for what i have , never taking His Gift of Life for granted


#4

Keep in mind that if you’re not consenting to these thoughts, you’re not sinning, and so this won’t prevent you from growing in holiness :slight_smile:

remember how St Paul asked God to take away the “thorn” (I don’t know what it was though). And God said, “My grace is sufficient for you, because My power is made perfect in weakness.”

God bless


#5

Thanks Monica,

There is hope in what you say - St Pauls Thorn in his flesh , Yes he apparently kept His thorny issue , whatever it may have been, between Him and God, if this forum existed 2000 years ago would he have been tempted to anonymously post as i have done - I will pray to St Paul - thanks for that! It is also True that in our weaknesses we are indeed drawn closer to our God, well my weakness is a major reason for coming back into the Church, and getting some hint of Peace that does not come from the world outside.

Since returning to Church and consequently praying more in the last year i find i am making some progress here, the sacrements - prayer etc are working, slowly but ideally a miracle will happen like finding some woman whom i am attracted to who likes me too (to complicate matters - i still find some women attractive) who can understand my past, but if not (and this seems more likely as i get older) i still thank God for all the other Gifts that make life in this world a Joy and the hope for the life of the world to come, a life without these obstacles …

Peace Be With You:)


#6

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