As I write this, I am in mortal sin because I have no self control despite my best (or worst) efforts to control the ancient habit of masturbation.
I have been finding my way back into the Church over the course of the past month. I have tried responding to God more with true faith, I have tried learning more about my faith, tried reading the Bible more and more, tried praying more, and have been going to confession at least once a week in addition to Mass and becoming more involved with my parish, specifically the youth catechumenate – but I find that I am little more than a hypocrite.
Only this past Wednesday, two days ago, did I confess the first instance of this sin for nearly three weeks, and only today did I successfully complete my reconciliation/penance. What makes it even worse is that, just yesterday afternoon, filled with the spirit of Christ, I was on another message board and posted about the dangers of masturbation and why it’s a sin!
Not only do I not practice what I preach, but I don’t righty know why I did what I did. It was just simply so…thoughtless. I didn’t have hardly a single conscientious thought to the contrary. The thought of “God” or “Christ” or “heaven” or “hell” didn’t even occur to me, or, if it did, it didn’t seem to affect me any at all.
I’m now confused. I feel exactly the same as I did when I initially walked away from the Church: as if there’s no hope for me to be good, as if I’m only trying to be a good Catholic for all the wrong reasons, and as if I’d rather live a life of moral disobedience.
The worst news is that my next chance for confession isn’t until next Wednesday.