Lack of Sex in Marriage


#1

My husband this morning told me that he is very unhappy with the lack of passion in our marriage.

I think it is because I am not a vixen in the bedroom because we are affectionate with each other overall.

I don't know how to get over this.

He is now taking testosterone shots which means his sex drive has gone up.

Meanwhile, mine has practically dried up because I think I am in pre-menopause. I have gone to doctors about this , counselors, and have had to talk to them about this which is embarrassing for me because I don't like talking about sex.

I am angry with him this morning because it seems like he thinks sex is the be all, end all of a marriage and it is NOT. I'm tired of the pressure.

I am tired most of the time and I'm sorry there is not a hormonal "shot" for me to increase my sex drive.

I would try fantasizing about movie stars but I'm afraid I would then commit adultery.

I love and adore my husband, I just don't like sex with him though I do usually go along with him when he wants it. He will then complain I'm not passionate enough.

Any advice, prayers, help?


#2

Quick question -
Why is he taking testosterone shots?

Yours is a difficult situation. Men generally DO put greater importance on sex than women do and certainly there can be points in your lives when you are not “in sync”.

One thing I would like to ask you to do is to consider how your “ego” is playing into all of this. He seeks more “passion” from you. Can you do any more to try and give this gift to him from yourself?

For his part, he does need to try and understand where you are in life. That your hormones may be “out of whack” etc.

You and he need to reach some sort of “middle ground” of perhaps fewer, but more passionate, entounters.

I’m no expert on any of this. These are just a couple of quick thoughts.

Peace
James


#3

He had male problems, went to the doctor , and asked for blood tests to measure his testosterone levels. They were low.

I am praying so as to know how to be passionate and not feel like I'm sinning. I try hard most of the time, but I have not been feeling that well for a while now.


#4

Have you heard about the book “Holy Sex” by Gregory Popcak? (exceptionalmarriages.com/shop/shopexd.asp?id=15) It’s a nice book for understanding passionate, loving encounters within the context of Catholic moral theology.

Another thing you might want to do is to sit down with your husband and talk about your preferences. Some women, for example, like the room to be clean so that they can relax and not worry about the mess.


#5

[quote="doanli, post:1, topic:193808"]
My husband this morning told me that he is very unhappy with the lack of passion in our marriage.

I think it is because I am not a vixen in the bedroom because we are affectionate with each other overall.

I don't know how to get over this.

He is now taking testosterone shots which means his sex drive has gone up.

Meanwhile, mine has practically dried up because I think I am in pre-menopause. I have gone to doctors about this , counselors, and have had to talk to them about this which is embarrassing for me because I don't like talking about sex.

I am angry with him this morning because it seems like he thinks sex is the be all, end all of a marriage and it is NOT. I'm tired of the pressure.

I am tired most of the time and I'm sorry there is not a hormonal "shot" for me to increase my sex drive.

I would try fantasizing about movie stars but I'm afraid I would then commit adultery.

I love and adore my husband, I just don't like sex with him though I do usually go along with him when he wants it. He will then complain I'm not passionate enough.

Any advice, prayers, help?

[/quote]

yes of course thinking about movie stars is out...that would as you say be adultery...but thinking about him is of course fine...

while when we get married we commit ourselves morally to engaging in marital relations with our spouse....

but one cannot always though control too much how 'passionate' one can be at the moment....I think key is addressing your health issues and also not 'thinking' about it in any bothersome way ...if we approach anything in life as a 'task' one has to do...again!...it takes away part of the joy of life :).... forget yourself...and enter into the event...not worrying if it is passionate or not...just love your husband communicate with him...perhaps ask him to help you 'get in the mood'...a nice backrub for instance...

also know that this can be part of your particular cross in your marriage...and part of the way you two love more...by each forgetting oneself and loving and understanding the other...


#6

Try exercising every day, like going for a walk for at least half an hour.It will increase your level of energy and get your glands pumping.I guarantee it will help.Work on your appearance and good looks,so that you like what you see in the mirror.It will give you confidence to know you are attractive.If you feel pretty you will be more inclined to want to engage in sex.
Sex involves the physical and the emotional aspects of a person.
Tam.


#7

Thank you for all of the answers.

A little getaway vacation would help a lot too, LOL


#8

Seems to me that there is an element of cheating here. He is on this testosterone shot and he expects you to be like a performing seal…without realising it he is turning intercourse into a mechanical act rather than an expression of love Honey, sit this guy down and threaten him with a bucket of ice-cubes and demand to be loved properly! Don’t worry, he will listen and I have no doubt he loves you. We men just need a woman to be a little bit assertive from time to time…oh and by the way, push for the little vacation as well!
God Bless you both


#9

Matthew Kelly “The Seven Levels of Intimacy” is a book I’d suggest to you.

Remember 90% of sex is between your ears.

What brought you together in the first place? What did you do when you were dating? Did you go dancing - then, get dressed up, open a nice bottle of wine and light candles - put on a CD and dance on the back porch or in the living room.

How about massages or taking a bubble bath together?

Sounds like you need romance.

One more thing - pray together.


#10

[quote="sinnegam, post:8, topic:193808"]
Seems to me that there is an element of cheating here. He is on this testosterone shot and he expects you to be like a performing seal.....without realising it he is turning intercourse into a mechanical act rather than an expression of love Honey, sit this guy down and threaten him with a bucket of ice-cubes and demand to be loved properly! Don't worry, he will listen and I have no doubt he loves you. We men just need a woman to be a little bit assertive from time to time.....oh and by the way, push for the little vacation as well!
God Bless you both

[/quote]

ROFL!

Trouble is, he has a point. I am usually half asleep by bedtime but he thinks that is a rejection of him.


#11

We both love to laugh…we watched TV and movies together, went out to eat…trouble is, he won’t take the initiative to plan a “date”.

Funny thing is that I’m happy and vivacious on getaways/vacations…like I’ve mentioned before.

I have had depression and anxiety problems a lot more than usual when we’re home. Something I’m trying to find a doctor to help me with as well.


#12

I'm going to look for these books as well!!!


#13

YOU plan the date night! Rent a funny movie, order in some great food, make martinis and laugh til it hurts!


#14

After reading again the poster's first entry, it ocurred to me,would it be a sin if she were to fantasize about the image of her own husband, but in his younger years, when she was crazy for him,and when he probably was as attractive as George Clooney or Richard Gere? No adultery there.
I agree that it is always better to live in the present reality, but since she mentions the idea to resort to that type of help,I decided to throw that concept to see if others think that would be sinful or not.


#15

Various Errors on Moral Subjects (II) *

[Condemned in a decree of the Holy Office, March 4, 1679]

1159 9. The act of marriage exercised for pleasure only is entirely free of all fault and venial defect.

1198 48. Thus it seems clear that fornication by its nature involves no malice, and that it is evil only because it is forbidden, so that the contrary seems entirely in disagreement with reason.

1199 49. Voluptuousness is not prohibited by the law of nature. Therefore, if God had not forbidden it, it would be good, and sometimes obligatory under pain of mortal sin.


#16

A doctor but also perhaps a cognitive therapist? In fact, the latter works just as well in many cases and antidepressants tend to reduce sex drive. Perhaps marriage counseling? He’s not exactly being the most sensitive guy in the sea.
www.catholictherapists.com

I think those above had terrific things to say: being more assertive, exercise, etc…

oh gee wiz, I forgot! There are changes with pre-menopause. Lowered libido and fatigue are two of them. There are ways to fix that! Do see your physician about that; maybe even a GYN if you can.


#17

Marriage is a sacrament which God gives to sanctify us.

I think this is one of God’s favorite ways to do it. He puts us together with someone with whom we have to learn to be unselfish.

My wife’s lack of desire has been a huge cross for me. I’m sure she sees my desire as a huge cross for herself. Is she sinning by denying me? Am I being overly selfish by expecting her to do something she’d rather not? I’ve been looking at these forums for a long time trying to find answers and insights, but I’m pretty sure there are no easy answers.

I read about the “Holy Sex” that JPII, Christopher West, and Greg Popcak talk about and they make it sound so easy and perfect, and that can be really frustrating.

Right now I think God is using abstinence to try to purify me. The examples of good priests show that it can be done. It’s just hard when I have to sleep next to a woman who is so beautiful to me. Ultimately he wants me to look to Him for my ultimate fulfillment and not to my wife. However, I do long for a little “consolation”.

The question seems so relative, too. On these forums, I have seen some complain about “2-3 times a month at the most”. Wow, that would be awesome! Then I see the guys who have gone without for years, and I feel lucky for the times my wife has been in the mood (or has at least been in the mood enough to make me happy).


#18

[quote="Tryin2bGood, post:17, topic:193808"]
Marriage is a sacrament which God gives to sanctify us.

I think this is one of God's favorite ways to do it. He puts us together with someone with whom we have to learn to be unselfish.

My wife's lack of desire has been a huge cross for me. I'm sure she sees my desire as a huge cross for herself. Is she sinning by denying me? Am I being overly selfish by expecting her to do something she'd rather not? I've been looking at these forums for a long time trying to find answers and insights, but I'm pretty sure there are no easy answers.

I read about the "Holy Sex" that JPII, Christopher West, and Greg Popcak talk about and they make it sound so easy and perfect, and that can be really frustrating.

Right now I think God is using abstinence to try to purify me. The examples of good priests show that it can be done. It's just hard when I have to sleep next to a woman who is so beautiful to me. Ultimately he wants me to look to Him for my ultimate fulfillment and not to my wife. However, I do long for a little "consolation".

The question seems so relative, too. On these forums, I have seen some complain about "2-3 times a month at the most". Wow, that would be awesome! Then I see the guys who have gone without for years, and I feel lucky for the times my wife has been in the mood (or has at least been in the mood enough to make me happy).

[/quote]

I'm not sure married people are supposed to be celibate. And sexless marriages are not unifying. Now I could be wrong on this, but I thought God wanted us to find Him *through *our marriages, not apart from them. Sexual differences, tensions, problems really need to be discussed candidly and if there cannot be an understanding that results in genuine peace and joy in marital life (sexually too) for BOTH partners, I think marriage counseling is needed as well as prayer. That's why I put the website above. Been married 23 yrs in May. It all hasn't been smooth sailing in the bedroom all 23 yrs. :blush:


#19

Sexless marriage is not a sin (joseph and mary) :thumbsup:


#20

Sexless marriage is not necessarily a sinful, but they most likely are. Part of marriage is sex, plain and simple. Thats the deal and it is so for a multitude of reasons. Couples must resolve these issues jointly. A wife who allows a husband to be continually frustrated is very likely engaging in immoral behavior. This may be rather sexist, but women really need to work to get past these issues. Husbands should be supportive through it all, but the attitude that a there is nothing wrong with a sexless marriage or that I just don’t have a sex drive and my husband needs to control his libido is wrong (not accusing the OP of this attitude, but it does seem to be expressed to often around here).


DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.