Answers from women only, please. These could be qualities or roles that a good man should possess in making an ideal husband. I’m curious to know what women have to say. I would think one would be: an able provider. But I should like to hear what you gals have to say, in hindsight or looking ahead for a good spouse. Seven to ten items would be ideal. (In order of importance if you wish) Thanks, ladies.
In no particular order:
He loves you and you love him: You have a natural and unforced affection for each other. You enjoy each other’s company. You feel happy that he wants you as much as you want him. On a normal day, you find it a pleasure to please him, and vice versa. For some people, this requires a physical attractiveness; for others, that is not so important.
He has the maturity to keep loving you even when he doesn’t feel like it: chooses to habitually act in a loving way, doesn’t use love as something he gives or withdraws to control or manipulate you or to express anger or negative emotions.
He has integrity. You can trust him to tell the truth, to keep your agreed-upon confidences, to be where he says he will be, to do what he says he’ll do, and to own up and make amends (such as he can) when he fails.
He has communications skills–he knows how to complain or disagree with you and with others without making personal attacks, being negative, bottling it all up and denying anything is wrong, and so on. He knows how to let others know when their communication methods are not working, too. He is neither a pushover nor a bully when it comes to working out differences with others.
You share priorities and both value the things you both think are most important. From this, you respect his opinions even when they do not agree with yours, because they are based on principles that you also believe in.
He is responsible. He routinely acts in accordance with your shared highest priorities, whether that means living within your means, delaying gratification, doing the work necessary to support yourselves, and so on.
These things imply that he’s not enslaved to something that would ruin his character, whether that is alcohol or work or self-gratification. It implies a certain level of self-mastery. It implies an emotional bond that will elicit the best from each of you for each other and for those you care about. On the other hand, it implies that while he has a certain number of faults, those are in areas that you are willing to live with. To a certain degree, it helps if your tolerance and his faults are complementary, and vice versa. If you don’t find being screamed at a particularly negative way to communicate for instance, the two of you might work out your differences in ways that make others think you are going to split up, but that don’t turn a hair on the two of you, because you don’t take volume that seriously.
It is very important, though, to not let the haze of rampant affection let you lie to yourself about whether or not a prospective spouse has faults that you really ought to deem non-negotiable. That is where it pays to consider whether he or she gets along with your friends and family, and if they don’t, why they don’t. (That depends a great deal on what kind of relationship you have with your family and why you chose your friends! If you chose your friends for bad reasons, then a good choice for a spouse is probably not going to like them. If you chose your friends wisely and your prospective spouse unwisely, it will show up in a relationship with friends that they will let you know in one way or other is not working.)
In no particular order:
- Sense of humor
- Lives within means/manages money well
- Loves you
- Level-headed and emotionally healthy
- Shares your values/religion/life philosophy
- Is able to grow/change/adapt
- You are attracted to him
- You like and get along with his family
- Respects you and treats you as an equal
Sense of humor.
Importance of family.
This is just a random list in no particular order.
I don’t think I have ten brain cells left after the intensity of this day (5th graders are insane this time of year :eek:), but I’ll do my best…
Except for #1, these are not in any particular order.
- A man of God, who places his relationship with God above all.
- A mature man who demonstrates integrity with word and deed.
- A man who understands that love is a choice of actions, rather than a feeling.
- A man who is easy to talk with.
- A man who isn’t so attached to his ideas, plans, opinions that he is inflexible (well, such a man wouldn’t be attracted to me anyway :D)
- A humble man who acknowledges God’s amazing gifts in his talents, his intelligence, his strengths.
- A humble man who seeks God in his weaknesses, his losses, his failures.
- A man who knows that marriage is about helping his wife and children attain heaven.
- A man who loves and accepts me as I am, but encourages me to keep growing.
- A man of God who can be the step-father to my son that God is calling him to be – that’s the one that has kept me from dating in the past. Don’t know if I have a vocation to marriage, but I already have the vocation of being a mom.
Absence of vanity
Willingness to help anyone, anytime
Loyalty to me and to the family
It goes without saying that you would love each other.
Very helpful, wise, and insightful replies, ladies. Not so much what I expected in some ways, but quite understandable and reasonable upon hearing them.
It would be nice if we men could just flick a switch and be such men, but for many it comes with grace, time, and effort. For other men, some of these things just don’t seem to be attainable for one reason or another.
Gertabelle, you should not let #10 hold you back. Trust in the Providence of God.
Many thanks to all so far!!
I just wish those would have been my requirements in my 20’s! Back then the culture we grew up in you lived in the moment and hoped things would work out. They usually didn’t.
It could be that some of you wonderful gals would have ended up single.
A quick response:
sense of responsibility to the community
understanding and accepting the gravity of the marriage committment (helping each other get to heaven/self-sacrifice/to death do us part)
committment to family (extended family included)
I agree with the poster who noted financial sense-it’s important. I know adding that puts me at 11-maybe we could bundle responsibility to the community with being responsible in general to meet the limit of 10.
You did say “making an ideal husband.”
I told my sons when they were in grade school that they weren’t going to become men in a day. To be the sort of guy that they wanted to be when they were 16 or 21, they had to start working towards the man they wanted to be when they were still boys.
That is what you tend to see in men who seem to fit the ideal when they are still very young men. Others get to it later. Others, though, just plain don’t get to it at all. When the problem is serious, they can hardly hope to have a valid marriage. It is not enough to understand the goods of marriage and to want them. There has to be capacity to live them. That does not come to anyone in a day, whether we are male or female, but the thing to understand going into marriage is that it is not guaranteed to come at all. The person you marry may be as mature and generous as they are ever going to be. Choose carefully.
- Willingness to communicate.
- Takes responsibility
- Willingness to provide for his family
- Loves his wife for herself not for what he can get out of her
- Good hygiene and personal habit
- No addictions
- Allows for change and growth
- Willingness to do his share around the house
- Loves God above all.
- Respects women - Respects his mother, sisters, aunts, friends, nieces, co-workers and female bosses!
- Good at balancing work and relaxing time. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy-All play and no work makes Jack a mere toy. I refused to marry my husband until we had a day a Water World … He had to be able to play at water world to prove he could indeed play.
- Gives to charity. Again, a balance between treasure, time and talent.
- Eat similar to me … It’s always uncomfortable when you eat with someone who doesn’t eat like you. Imagine getting married and having to be a short order cook to Accomodate the difference.
- Similar in age. Do you want to be a nurse, babysitter, or share your life with someone? When looking long term, you don’t wan to pick someone who will most likely leave yôu a widow for decades; since women already live 7 years longer than men, pick wisely.
- Good driving record, and respectful to other drivers on the road … This tells a lot about how they handle the small things in life.
- Kind to servents like waitresses and waiters … And is respectful to the enviroment they are in (make mess, help clean it up).
- Listens and talks in balanced manner.
- Singing is a big shinny way to make her smile … Dancing would be even better … But a love of music cannot be overlooked.
- Family - he likes my family and I like his family!
*]loves God above all
*]shares faith, values, and morals
*]trustworthy and with integrity
*]enjoy the company of each other
*]emotionally healthy, mature, and balanced
*]no serious addictions
*] someone you consider to be your best friend
*]able to keep cool and calm under difficult circumstances
*]inspires his family to become the best version of themselves; uplifts and motivates them; someone who is not a Negative Nancy
Respectful of your opinions
Willing to take risks sometimes.
^ That’s my lovely husband.
:eek: I forgot an important one :eek
A good kisser … What good would it be to be married to a bad kisser??? A good kiss is very important to the picking of a spouse.
What if a man said this?
I’d say the same.
For the record, “bad kisser” tends to mean sloppy, too much tongue or not sensitive to cues. For example:
“The problem is that when he gets really into the moment, he starts practically mauling my face off, which is not sexy at all, and, is painful when he has stubble, which is most of the time. I’ve usually been able to solve the problem by situating myself so that I’m above him when we’re kissing so that I can take control, but I felt compelled to write in when, the last time we were intimate, he just kept gnawing away at my face no matter what I tried, which was really frustrating. He hasn’t picked up on any of the nonverbal cues that I’ve tried to give, and I’m afraid that it’s gotten to the point where I’ll just start rushing through foreplay to avoid his terrible kissing.”
“The thing is, he’s a bad kisser. For any of you that have seen the episode of Sex in the City where Charlotte dates a bad kisser, while it’s not to that extent, it’s certainly not far off. He uses way too much tongue and keeps his mouth open very wide like he’s about to have dental surgery. I said something about it to him on the second date and tried to give him pointers, but I don’t know if he was just caught up in the moment or didn’t want to listen because he kept on kissing in his own way.”
Even more complaints about bad kissing:
Bad kissing is apparently an epidemic.
- He not only loves me completely; but also, he is strong enough to be a loving, compassionate, and caring man toward others.
- He is loyal.
- He is intelligent.
- He has a strong Faith in God, and similar moral values as I do.
- Fun loving with a great sense of humor.
- Reasonably attractive. (Just being honest)
- Productive/hard working