Sorry if I sounded harsh, GhostMan. But you were the one who asked LADIES what they thought and how to get a woman to talk to you. And then you wrote how you handled your last effort. Would you rather I have written this?
Awww, GhostMan, Sorry the witch wouldn’t take you up on your dinner out. How horrible she is. You are right. It’s hopeless. Go buy a bottle of Rose and drink yourself into a stupor. It won’t help anything but it will dull the pain and you won’t have to think about her opinion of you and what the evening could have been if you hadn’t quit.
Well, that wouldn’t have been charitable either.
Quite frankly, if you had written the letter as a woman, I would have given a woman the same answer. But I haven’t seen a letter from a woman here throwing in the towel and saying she got drunk and passed out.
And that is what made me angriest. You are modelling for your many children an example that substance abuse is the answer to pain and rejection. And then you hurl the word “man-bashing” around here.
No man bashing here. I’d have said the same thing to a woman. Your job as a husband and father is to be the head of your family. To set an example of patience and virtue. Your wife didn’t jump through the hoop in the exact manner you thought she should. So you withdrew a lovely offer from the table and acted like a child.
Now you’ve made it worse and your wife (amazingly) shuts down on you. I dont’ know all your past issues or how things got to here from where you began. But I will repeat, this isn’t only your wife’s fault. If what you write and how you respond to criticism as you have shown here is any indication, YOU can’t fix her until you control better how YOU react. You can’t change her. You can only change how YOU behave. Sometimes that causes the other person to alter their behavior.
Again… try again. Apologize for your initial wrong reaction. Here’s a hint: Maybe when she said she’s tired of feeling everything is always her fault, a better thing for you to say is “Honey, there’s plenty of blame to go around. Let’s not place blame. Let’s just try to fix things. You are too important to me. I don’t blame you.”
Instead, you shut her down by starting in on YOUR disappointment and YOUR anger and YOU took your toys and stomped home, so to speak. Then you ask US how to get her to talk?
And when we tell you, you call us man-bashers?
Women go into defensive posture when they feel attacked. If they think their deepest thoughts will be judged, mocked, criticized or negated, they won’t share them. At least not with you. They’ll tell their mother, their sister, their best friend… but not you.
You seem to have to re-earn her trust. Your marriage is on life support. It’s in no condition for heavy conversations. It can’t take the stress. You can’t tell her you’ll have a fun time with no heaviness. You have to SHOW her. You can’t tell her she can trust you. You have to SHOW her by being patient and accepting of what she says.
Most women I know are very very eager to share their opinions. Whether their husbands want to hear it or not. The fact your wife is so far into shut down mode tells me your communication techniques with each other in the past have caused her to withdraw.
Is there truth to her feeling that you blame her? I don’t hear a lot of self-blame in your posts. Just how much you’ve tried and how awful she is to make you live like this.
Until you figure the path that got you here, you won’t be able to trace your steps back to a better place.
And that advice goes for men AND women. No man-bashing here. I’ve seen many wonderful men who make their wives feel loved and treasured. And I’ve seen many women who treat decent men like garbage. But if she treated you like garbage in the beginning, you wouldn’t have married her and had all those children, would you? So what changed? Until you can find that spot in the road and ask yourself some really honest questions and not flinch at the answers or point fingers, you won’t fix anything.
And playing the martyr and settling for a loveless hollow marriage is an insult to your wife, to your kids and to yourself. And to God.
Emotionally walking away…